Crazy (noun) 1 Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results 2 Internet dating

Crazy (noun) 1 Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results 2 Internet dating

Monday, September 12, 2011

The Week in Review: Curtis ‘Horseteeth’ Jackson, Andy Whitfield, and 9/11

One of the truths I’ve learned in life is that the dumbest most ignorant retards shop on holidays. This isn’t just me spouting angry at the general public, this is a cold hard fact. In society there is a sub-culture of physically and mentally disfigured individuals who YOU only see in Mad Max movies, on TV shows about hoarders, or at the doctor’s office while waiting to get a checkup. These are the 700 pound people whose skin has melded with a couch cushion, or that have a big red birthmark that covers the entire right side of their face, or whose skin has more pot holes in it than Harlem Avenue in the winter. USUALLY the only place you can see these freaks is at a Dunkin’ Doughnuts at 3 AM OR at a comic book convention, but that’s because you have a normal job in which you don’t have to work on holidays. In my world however, these people ONLY shop on holidays because they know that NORMAL people stay home, freeing up retail establishments like mine for their freak parade.

I wouldn’t MIND so much if they were JUST freakish looking, but these people are also a special KIND of entitled asshole. On Labor Day this week I had a tiny Mexican who didn’t have the ability to blink, limp into my store with a powder blue polo shirt on backwards. A polo shirt is a hard thing to put on backwards as it has a collar and 3 buttons opening up the front. Not ONLY was this thing on backwards, but there were soup stains on the back, meaning that he had been wearing it backwards for some time. He yelled and cursed at me in Spanish because we don’t take coupons for the converter boxes any longer….which expired 3 years ago. Next was a 400 pound white woman whose back tits were bigger than her front tits. Her shirt was small and tight, causing her belly to hang out over the top of her pajama pants and she smelled of many, many, many cats. SHE yelled at me because my store doesn’t sell lottery tickets. Seriously...I work at a fucking RadioShack. Next was the old Polish woman who came in with her granddaughter who has Down’s syndrome. These people make me sad, and I try to have a modicum of empathy for their lot in life. However, this girl didn’t stop screaming at the top of her lungs in garbled Polish the entire time she was in my store. Not only that but she kept taking items off the sales floor and throwing them across the store like a gorilla hurling rocks at his trainer. WHILE she’s doing this, her grandmother is asking me for something in Polish and getting incrementally pissed off because I didn’t know what the fuck she was asking for.

My point is that holidays suck for me, so in an effort to calm myself after a day like that I went to see a movie with my cousin after work. Cous’n Hemp’n chose Apollo 18 because he’d seen everything else in the theaters. No shit, he goes to the movies by himself 5 times a week. From the trailers for this movie, I thought it might not be that bad. It had Warren Christie from the SyFy show ‘Alphas’ in it, and I like the show Alphas.

First of all the movie opened up with a trailer for ‘Paranormal Activity 3’, and if you know anything about me…that pissed me off. I yelled ‘FUCK YOU TOO HOLLYWOOD’ at the screen after the trailer ended. Then Apollo 18 started. From the very beginning I knew it was gonna be a piece of shit. The whole movie was nothing but stock footage and shaky camera movements on a black and white moon set. It was the lunar version of the Blair Witch Project. Not only that, but FROM the first time they showed original footage of that 1953 science fiction looking fake set, I knew what the monster was because they throw it in your face. Believe me; I’m not giving anything away when I tell you that the monster is moon rocks. Yes, moon rocks come alive with little teeth and hurl themselves at the astronaut’s helmets causing them to break, which in turn causes them to die. Although during the 2 hours of the movie there are really only 2 actors in the thing so only 2 people really die from this. That’s SOME horror movie. 2 deaths? Caused by self hurling rocks? Again, fuck you too Hollywood. A perfect end to a perfect holiday.

So, on Tuesday I decided to wash that shit out of my mouth with a decent movie. I saw that Bruce Willis was starring in a flick that I’d never heard of called ‘Set up’. Sure it was made by the same guy who did 57 Blocks or whatever that shit movie was that starred Willis and Mos Def, but hey…I’ll usually give anything with Bruce in it a chance.   

First of all I gotta ask: Is Bruce Willis broke, Or just desperate to prove to everyone that he isn't racist? Second, the fucking trailer for this movie lied to me like a woman. It didn’t STAR Bruce Willis at all. It STARRED, yes I said STARRED Curtis ‘50 cent’ Jackson and CO-starred Bruce Willis. Now, I KNOW black people are gonna get pissed at me for saying this, but 50 cent is about the toofiest mother fucker I've ever seen. I think those horse teeth aren't even separated, it's just a wall of sheet rock painted a blinding shade of white that doesn’t even exist on our color spectrum. They NEVER move! He talks and talks and talks, and those teefus stay the fuck put. What is that? I feel bad for chicks because making out with him has to be like licking a plaster wall.

But, other than those fucking teeth (get it?); this guy has got to be the worst actor I’ve ever seen. He makes Pauly Shore look like fucking Marlon Brando. His acting is as stiff as his teeth. His expression NEVER changes. There’s a scene in the movie where he’s chasing Ryan Philippe and he gets away (when a bus cuts him off…SO dumb) and 50 cent screams ‘FUCK!’, but all he does is raise his voice. His mouth doesn’t open and his expression doesn’t change AT all. He always has a look on his face like a white blonde woman with big tits.

Another point of contention for me came at the climactic gun fight in which 7 guys are standing in a circle about 2 feet apart and begin shooting at each other for 17 fucking minutes, not once hitting anyone. The only person who gets shot is Bruce Willis, who takes one in the shoulder, and then you NEVER see him again in the flick. After that, 50 cent finally catches up with Ryan Philippe, who killed his best friend. He throws him in a truck, drives him out to a junk yard, throws him on the ground and proceeds to dump a gallon of store bought anti freeze on his head. WHY? What the fuck does that do? Gasoline I could understand, but fucking anti freeze? Then he tosses him a shovel, tells him to dig his own grave, shoots him in the leg, and leaves him there alive. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? He’s been chasing this guy the WHOLE movie! Movies like this should be fucking illegal.

Now granted, I’m a white guy, but I do enjoy the occasional hip hop song, and to be honest with you I haven’t heard a good 50 cent song in about 7 years. Why this guy thinks he can go from rap to acting is beyond me, much less with a mega star like Bruce Willis...oh wait, this all might be Bruce’s fault. Back in the 80’s Bruce put out 2 shitty albums, going from acting to music. He set a horrible precedent that 50 might be emulating. Well I put it upon Bruce to share the fact that his albums flopped and his music sucked with his new co-star.

Did 50 cent stumble upon Bruce Willis fucking a dog or something? How the hell did he coerce that man into being in this piece of shit? Ryan Philippe? For fucking shame man. Aren’t you an Oscar winner? Bottom line is that this may be the worst movie I’ve ever seen and I’m pissed that I was duped into seeing it simply because Bruce Willis is made to look like the star in the trailer. The acting sucked, the story was ludicrous (why wasn’t he in it), the dialogue was dumb, and there were more editing mistakes and story element fuck ups than I could count. Don’t waste your time.

After my epic failures at trying to watch a good movie, I turned to television, and in this entertainment medium I was deluged with more horror. The horror of 9/11.

We live in a world where people who commit horrible crimes cannot be pigeon holed into any other category than ‘bat shit crazy’. I don’t care what their excuse is, be it women, voices in their heads, or the most popular one: Religion.

Welcome to September where our country will not only continue to forget that there are TWO wars going on right now, that our economy is failing partly because of them, and that our boys are dying by the thousands in a middle eastern Vietnam simply because our president doesn’t want to look like that guy at the party who punches out the wrong guy when he heard someone said his wife has nice tits. Instead we’ll have candlelight vigils, magnificent fireworks displays, and half the country will buy and shove an American flag up their ass in an effort to ‘REMEMBER’ the event that was used as a springboard to wage an unnecessary and unwinnable war against a fucking verb.

During WWII, even though we decided not to get involved until the last minute and then take credit for winning it, every aspect of that war was on the cover of every newspaper in the country for MOST of the time it happened. You would go to a movie and get updates on how the war was progressing before the film started. Radios gave daily updates to families as they sat around the dinner table and listened with a reserved sadness and a deep pride at how the war was progressing in our favor. Sure a lot of it was censored and most of it was propaganda, but the point is that the war was forefront on the minds of Americans throughout this great country. We were informed and we were happy to do our part. Women who were used to doing housework now got jobs at factories making weapons, inventors were hard at work coming up with things that could help the war effort, and people everywhere bought war bonds. We were fighting a clear and distinct man whose army was a clear and distinct danger to our world, and we were stimulating our economy as we did it.

Now I don’t know what the fuck is going on. I didn’t even know we were fighting two wars until I watched an episode of ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’ from last year. You would think that with the amount of media attention this thing gets that there was no war going on at all. I saw a news story the other day about a kitten that saved a dog from a fire and thought to myself “WHO THE FUCK CARES! There are people, younger than me, fighting an enemy who although nasty and smelly, isn’t really worth fighting at all. The only reason we don’t like these people and they don’t like us is because we all don’t believe in the same mythical fables. People are dying in the name of a fucking fiction! And it pisses me off. Plus, let’s not forget the fact that women became more independent and their efforts during the war made them MORE than just something to keep barefoot and pregnant. In THIS war we won’t even let homosexuals fight. WHO GIVES A FUCK WHAT SOMEONE LIKES TO STICK IN THEIR MOUTH AS LONG AS THEY’RE SHOOTING THE ENEMY. Many of these people want to fight and help their country, but our government is more concerned with their marriage rights than putting a fucking rifle in their hand and letting them get their kill on. I don’t give a fuck if some kid wears a pink scarf and ties up his uniform shirt at the bottom as long as he’s on MY side.

The Vietnam War came to an end because people were informed enough to protest that shit. It was college kids that ended that war. This week millions of people gathered to remember how these current wars were started instead of gathering to bring our troops home. I call bullshit on America. STOP the fucking wars, STOP these children from being killed for no other reason than God v. Muhammad, and protest until Obama sais ‘fuck it’ and starts bringing them home HIMSELF in air force one.

And lastly; When I first saw the show Spartacus: Blood and Sand, I was NOT a fan. In fact I hated it. But like most things I hate, I still watched it. Why? Because I’m not going to tell you how horrible something is unless I’ve seen it…which is why I’ve sat through every horrible Twilight movie. However, and this rarely happens, as Spartacus progressed, it made me a fan. Not because of the story or the history, but because of Andy Whitfield who played Spartacus. Whitfield was a good actor; in fact I was surprised I hadn’t seen him in anything before. I learned that this was a first gig for him and he knocked it out of the park. When the first season ended I was happy that the show had won critical acclaim and I was looked forward to seeing Andy reprise the role that he worked so hard at. However, before filming of season 2 started, Andy went to the doctor for a routine checkup and found out that he had cancer. We all learned that he would NOT be coming back to Spartacus and the studio decided to stretch out a 2 episode flashback story arc into an interim 6 episode season while they searched for a new Spartacus. This PREQUEL was pretty good, but it was lacking in a very obvious department…no Andy Whitfield.

Well, it was just announced today that almost a year after finding out he had cancer, Andy Whitfield has died at 39 years old. A promising career snuffed out before it even started. Now THAT deserves a candlelight vigil.

So long Andy, we barely knew ye.


Dedicated to Andy Whitfield


1 comment:

  1. Funny, funny shit, Mike. Not only funny, but informative. I learn something new in each of your pieces. I have to say - I don't care if 50 cent can act or not, I would do naughty things to him if given the opportunity. I felt the same way about Andy Whitfield - except he was a phenomenal actor. RIP Andy.