Crazy (noun) 1 Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results 2 Internet dating

Crazy (noun) 1 Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results 2 Internet dating

Monday, March 14, 2011

You Tweet Like a Dickhead (07/19/09)

The internet has been pretty good to me over the years, and although I’m old enough to remember pecking away at my first keyboard when my typing class upgraded to Tandy computers way back in the 80’s, I consider myself pretty proficient at navigating the world wide web now.

I still recall walking into my typing class to find that all the typewriters had been replaced by Tandy Computers. They were big grey monitors with a keyboard attached to them, and we would type out green letters on a black screen. All they were really good for was typing and printing. To me it seemed like a lot of hardware just to get the same result as a typewriter. Sure it saved you the trouble of having to use white out, but without the internet, that was their only advantage.

Although the reality of what computers could do at the time wasn’t as exciting as the imagination of Hollywood, they still represented a future of unparalleled possibilities. Tron, War Games, and The Terminator all showed us what could happen if we let ourselves rely too much on technology. It’s been almost 30 years since those movies prophesized the future world of computers, and instead of destroying humanity, they now let me pay my bills online, buy stupid shit on e-bay, meet women on Craigslist, and find a job on Monster all while watching midgets pee on hamsters. I think that those movies had it backwards; Computers will not usher in the destruction of humanity, but the world WITHOUT computers will.
There was a time when I didn’t know shit about computers, and frankly having a home computer was a frightening prospect. They seemed slow, expensive, and time consuming. Now I can take a computer apart and put it back together, I find myself constantly upgrading my hardware, I’ve taught myself how to use program after program, and even after some trepidations about online dating, I now find myself addicted to social networking. Whenever somebody starts a new social networking site, I’m there. I dig it, hell women don’t really want to talk to me when they SEE me, so what better way for me to get my foot in the door to vagina-ville?

And let’s face it: I’m not the only one. Social networking has become America’s cup of Joe in the morning. It gives us hope in an otherwise hopeless world. Hope of meeting a friend…hope of meeting a partner…and hope that someone out there will simply care enough to listen. But however you choose to use it, the internet is a great forum for one to express their feelings about any topic they choose: its freedom of speech at its extreme. Some people will like what I have to say, some people would just as soon put me in a burlap sack with a few aerobics weights and toss me into the [1]Cal Sag. But, the point is that if I said the shit I say on the internet to a stranger in a bar, or to a co-worker at my job, I’d probably end up being put in a straight jacket and hauled off to the funny farm to spend my days playing ‘tick tack throw’ in plastic shoes.

But through all these years of watching the internet grow, I’ve noticed a sharp decline in civil human interaction. Can you remember the last time that you stopped to look at a movie poster and struck up a conversation with a complete stranger who would go on to become one of your closest friends? Or the last time you went to your neighborhood basketball court and just played a pickup game with some guy who would eventually introduce you to your greatest love? That’s how society USED to work, that’s how REAL networking was done in the world. Now we’ve become a culture of closed doors, headphones, and Bluetooth headsets. Personal space has gone from an arm’s length, to everything within your fucking eyesight.

Today’s world is full of so much mistrust and uncaring hypocrisy that it makes George Orwell’s [2]1984 look like a fucking [3]Highlights magazine. Fear mongering and a violence obsessed news media have made you think that most people would just as soon stab you in the eye as shake your hand. If I was a conspiracy theorist, I would think that e-harmony has paid off the media in an effort to get more people to just meet online.

The sad thing is that this decline in social etiquette DIDN’T just start with cell phones and iPods. Back before there were cars, society was polite because you’d ride around on a ridiculous looking bike, or you’d walk down the boulevard because your house was like a fucking sauna in the heat with no a/c, or you’d take a carriage ride and tip your hat to people and be generally available for conversation with the rogue passerby. Now you drive around with your windows rolled up and the baseline to 'Hammer time' so loud that people think a sonic fucking boom just passed them by. OR, you sit in your house with the a/c on and the windows up, going outside less frequently than [4]J.D. Salinger. As great as our technological advances have been over the years, it seems that every one of them has slowly killed our societal infrastructure.

But are cars, air conditioning and Al Gore truly to blame for our lack of societal propriety? Not really. It’s our general need to be lazy that has given over our collective personality to the internet. Instead of getting all gussied up to go spend copious amounts of money in a bar on the off chance that I’ll meet a woman drunk enough to fondle my scrote for a few minutes, now I can lie in bed and meet someone while alternating between scratching myself and farting. It truly is a wonderful world we live in.

Is the internet better than the real world though? Well, let’s see. Do you find yourself bragging that you have over 2000 friends on face book, when you only have THREE in real life? That may be an indication that you need to get out of the house [5]Brian Wilson.

Even though our day to day human contact consists solely of whiney co-workers or violent drunks that we end up fighting in bars, I think we should make more of an effort to meet people in real life. But at the same time I love the fact that I have this forum with which to bitch and moan. Social networking sites don’t seem to be THAT social, but the ‘networking’ part HAS gotten me closer to finding a girlfriend. So when [6]Ashton Kutcher tells me to check out a new site? You can bet your ass I’ll be profiling like a mother fucker there because that guy knows how to get pussy.

Case in point: Twitter. As douche baggy as it sounded to me at the time, I loved the idea of signing up for this site. As you may know, I’m something of an asshole, and I like letting people know what I’m doing throughout the day in that vein. “Michael Hempen is: masturbating furiously” or “Michael Hempen is: thinking of ways to better hide your body”. Things that make ME laugh, not particularly for anyone else’s sake. THAT’S how people should view these websites. A way for YOU to say something creative that makes YOU laugh, helps you through your day, and if other people read it…so fucking be it. Quit taking it so seriously. As [7]John Wayne said to a group of college students “It’s gettin’ to be re-goddamned-diculous”

MOST people who ‘post up’ on these sites can be more pretentious than that guy who dresses up as ‘Darth Maul’ at a Star Wars convention. He says he’s ‘just doing it for fun’, but he’s got more to prove and a bigger chip on his shoulder than a white midget playing for the Lakers. He couldn’t tell you who the bad guys were in WWII, but he can tell you the sub atomic structure of a fucking midichlorian. He’ll also be all too happy to tell you about the time he had a girl in his moms basement, but what he won’t tell you is that it was when the dryer broke, and the Maytag repair ‘man’ just happened to be a chick. Fuck you ‘Darth Maul’ guy.

So does ANYBODY really care that ‘Sandra Titmouse is: eating an Oreo cookie’ or that ‘Chip McBuffnuts is: just finishing 200 crunchies’ or that ‘Miley Cirus is: Not tweeting anymore’ and then ‘Miley Cirus is: tweeting again’, and then ‘Miley Cirus is: not tweeting again’ AHHHHHHHHH! How about ‘Miley Cirus is: putting a shotgun under her chin’ THAT I wanna read.

That being said, Twitter made me wonder with the joy that ‘what ifs’ can sometimes give you way down in that place that makes you smile to yourself, what would have happened if it had been around when the great writers were? Hemmingway, Burroughs, Hunter S. Thompson, hell even Dickens, Chaucer, Dostoyevsky. People who were famous for actually DOING something, creating something, innovating an idea, and opening people’s eyes to an intelligent intellectual viewpoint…what might they have ‘Tweeted’? “Hunter S. Thompson is: savagely strumming a banjo”, “Fyodor Dostoyevsky is: getting existential on yo ass!”, or “Anthony Burgess is: hating Stanley Kubrick”.

Sometimes I just need to entertain myself because I don’t always feel like watching a movie, reading a hefty tome, or playing the PS3. So in order to occupy my time, I LOVE trying new things. My latest ‘new thing’ is Face book. Several months ago, I gleefully filled out every part of the profile and started throwing shit at my ‘wall’ like a performance artist after a White Castle enema. At first I didn’t care about, nor did I look up any friends. It was just a way for me to release pent up creative energy, which eventually led me to do what you are now reading.
After I put up a few short stories in my notes section, I realized that it was pointless if nobody was going to read them. Like the old question ‘If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around…who gives a fuck?’ So I started looking people up. As soon as I got a few responses and I started perusing some other people’s walls, I realized just what a fucking loser I was. Everyone had over 200 ‘friends’…I had 3. And one was Tom from MySpace…That little mother fucker is EVERY where. He’s like the ‘Where’s Waldo’ of insipid internet bullshit.

So, now I ‘care’. This sucks for me because when I CARE about something, I’m like [8]Elvis when he died on the toilet. I follow that shit through to the bitter end. So I started pandering for friends. I even started calling people, who DON’T have Face book, and telling them they should sign up. I’m sure that this is the ULTIMATE goal of the Face book team, to eventually dominate the universe through word of mouth. If that’s the case, I put on the Nike’s, donned the black sweats, threw some Phenobarbital in the applesauce and started shepherding people aboard the Face book [9]Hale bop.

I’m up to 27 friends now (yeah, me!), most of whom I know. The nice thing I’ve found is that I now have an opportunity to communicate with old friends whom I’d lost contact with, grade school buddies, High school friends, really good friends who’ve moved on in life, and ex girlfriends who no longer hold a grudge because I had a ‘ball gag’ fetish in my early twenties after seeing Pulp Fiction…don’t ask.

After I started my Facebook page, I began my quest to find a girlfriend on the web, and although I haven’t quite found my internet sweetie yet in the 4 months since I started this online experiment, I keep getting closer. I’ve been on a few dates now, and I even made out with one girl. The shocking thing to me is that I haven’t been rejected yet. I have a specific girl in mind that I’m looking for and none of the women I’ve met have been her, but the internet has put me closer to the playing field than I’d ever thought I’d be with it.

All of my ex girlfriends were girls that I met at the supermarket, work, or the Laundromat. Meeting a woman is the hardest part in the timeline of a relationship, for me anyway. Most women I’ve met in the real world would rather try to tell you their entire life story before you get up to take a leak, than listen to a god damned thing you have to say. Fuckin’ talky bitches. At least if I read a profile first I can take in what a woman has to say about herself, in my own time. The internet affords us that luxury and as long as you don’t bullshit your prospective date about what you look like, the end results can be sextactular.

As I said in the first chapter, at one point I was dead set against meeting women on the internet because it seemed as though I was admitting to my own failure at meeting them in real life. You’d think that after my initial foray into online dating with the larger than life Tiffany, my position would have only been cemented. I was lucky enough to have met a woman soon after that debacle and for the past 2 years I really only needed the internet to check movie show times and occasionally beat off when my girl friend was out of town. But after that relationship ended a few months ago, enough time had passed for me to give online dating another whirl. Even though my ex was great in a lot of ways, and a shitty girlfriend in some: the end of our relationship made me remember that thing most men forget about after a prolonged period of time with a significant other, that thing that makes the world go around and can start or end wars…New Pussy.

There’s nothing quite like a first kiss, is there? Your heart races, you get goose bumps, and an indescribable feeling washes over you and makes you feel indestructible. A swagger returns to your step, you’re nicer to people, and your whole outlook towards life changes. Sure it only lasts until the girl pulls the rug out from underneath you, but in that short time you are a king. THAT’S new pussy. To me, love is a woman that gives you that feeling all of the time; Every kiss is a first kiss, every touch gives you butterflies, and every nut you bust on her belly, back, or face if she’s a trooper, feels like it did the first time. And I’ve yet to find her. My search could have ended many times over if I just wanted to settle on some fat chick who professed her love for me, but I’m stubborn. I know what I want, and the internet allows me to expand on that search.

However, I’m finding that there are women out there who abuse the unspoken online trust, and all that does is bitter me the fuck up to the whole process. The internet isn’t too different from driving a car. It’s a privilege, not a right, and sometimes people abuse that privilege. Much like people who drive like dickheads, there are people who tweet like dickheads. Just like there are assholes who roll through stop signs, there are assholes who listen to music without paying for it. And just like the mother fuckers who drive on suspended licenses, there are mother fuckers who bullshit about everything from their job to their weight, and I gotta say; I’m getting pretty fucking sick of it.

I would never suggest that freedom of speech be taken away from anyone, especially on a forum like the internet. Your opinion is just as valid as mine, and you should be able to go online and bitch about what you choose, worship who you choose, and voice your masturbational preferences. However, saying that you weigh 118 pounds, when you really weigh 318 pounds is NOT an opinion…it’s a fucking lie and it serves no other purpose other than wasting my god damned time.

People lie about all kinds of things when they meet in the real world, but the ONE thing you can’t lie about face to face is what you look like. Sure you can tell me you have a thyroid problem, but then I can counter that lie with the fact that I have a disorder called FCI: Fat Chick Impotence.
When I start talking to women on the internet, I tell them from the git-go that I’m one ugly bastard. I show them the most unflattering pictures of myself that I have. I describe myself as looking like the love child of Herman Munster and Meatloaf. Most times, I find myself lying in the OTHER direction. I tell chicks that I’m uglier than I am so that there is NO chance of them being disappointed when we meet. Why? Because of the 6 dates I’ve gone on since March, I’ve had to disguise an ‘oh-no’ face from 3 of them. Women who blatantly lied about their looks in the hope that I wouldn’t notice or care. Well I did notice, and I DO care.

I don’t consider my honesty as a detriment to the cause. Sure I’ll meet more women, and hotter women if I tell them all that I look like Brad Pitt, but what the fuck is the point? When they meet me they’ll see the harsh reality. All I’m gonna do by lying is make it that much harder for the NEXT guy to gain that girls trust. Then nobody gets laid, and I refuse to be an unseen cockblock. If I cockblock? I’ll be standing RIGHT next to the cockblockee.

But women, especially heavy women, don’t seem to understand that basic premise. When they lie they fuck it up for the next chick. Women who lie about their looks on the internet piss me off, but the other day I came across something that pissed me off even more. I was reading the posts in the ‘women seeking men’ section of Craigslist, when I came across one where a woman was lying FOR her friend. This post, with its patronizing tone and passive aggressive rambling, made me want to beat the shit out of Craig for listing it.

The post was titled ‘come on guys’, and started with a woman telling us that she’s married, but doesn’t understand why the men seeking women on CL haven’t hooked up with her friend. She went on to tell us, without spelling 2 words correctly, what a nice person her friend was (fat), how she loves going out to dinner (fat), and that she’s available 24/7 to meet the right guy (fat).
The body of her post went on to harp on ME, as a man, for being too shallow and narrow minded to find the lovely person trapped inside the body of a whale. Then she scolded men for asking to see a picture of their potential date. She wrapped up her little ‘hook up’ fantasy by trying to guilt me into giving this big bitch a chance. Well, FUCK YOU!

So I wrote this little response to her, and I hope that you enjoy it:

“Dear, you fucking dirt bag, listening to you ramble incoherently makes me want to staple bagels to my face. That poor husband of yours...what he must endure. Are certain keys missing from your keyboard or are you missing fingers? I haven’t seen spelling like this since [10]Tarzan came back to Greystoke Castle. At first I thought I was reading a third graders homework. I imagine that you’re the type of person who is more comfortable writing their ‘R’s backwards in crayon. How does a legally retarded person get a marriage license, anyway?

I assume that at this point in your marriage, 'doggy style' to your husband means whimpering at the bedroom door and peeing on himself a little when you scold him, because if he were a real man, he'd have taught you how to shut the fuck up by now.

Look, in response to your post, it's obvious that your friend doesn't want to do this and you’re pushing her into it so that you can live some kind of sick fantasy THROUGH her. The problem is that...IT’S AN INTERNET FANTASY!! At least, push her into something less humiliating that you can live through, like midnight bowling, or ordering IN at a fast food place instead of using the drive through.

So here you are shoving this fatty on us and laying a guilt trip out that Shatner couldn’t sell on ‘Priceline’. Why is it so wrong to ask for a picture? What you need to realize talky, is that men are generally 'visual' creatures and women are 'mental' creatures. If you haven't figured this out by now, maybe you should seriously reconsider giving advice to anybody. It sounds to me like you have sour grapes up your ass because you couldn’t get [11]The Grimace over there a date.

And what kind of friend ARE you anyway? They recently prosecuted a man who shot a woman in the face, a woman who went to meet him because she answered a post on Craigslist!!! Is this whole thing some passive aggressive way of trying to get rid of your friend? Are you just jealous that she might be enjoying her single life while you’re stuck in a loveless dead relationship where church shoes are now more important than rim jobs? Fuck you. You're a horrible person. I say get over YOURSELF, and leave your friend alone. The reason she's not meeting anyone is because 'good intentioned' friends like YOU, give her low self esteem by putting her on this site like a fucking worm on a hook. Let the bitch be. She'll meet someone when she’s ready, SHE will put herself out there and find the man that’s right for her. Hopefully she’s smart enough to realize that it won’t happen on fucking Craigslist…mainly because bitches like YOU screw it up for the ones who are deserving of a GOOD date by pissing off guys like me who can give one.

Look, I don’t mind that your friend is a fucking fatty, but if you’re too stupid to just come out and admit that in the body of your post, DON’T treat me like I’m a drooling idiot who can’t figure it out through simple deductive reasoning. You can’t say things like ‘men are assholes for wanting to see a picture of my friend’, and expect me NOT to think that this woman is a fucking hippo.

You should thank your fucking stars that you found a man stupid enough to put up with your douchebaggery. I can ONLY hope that you haven’t bred, because between HIS block-headed idiocy of not being able to see through your transparent harpy cuntish demeanor, and YOUR general lack of intelligence (you spelled ‘the’ wrong, for chrissake: it’s not ‘te’), those kids don’t stand a fucking chance.

Now go do some serious shutting the fuck up.”Now, I know that response may have seemed harsh, but fuck her. The only thing that pisses me off MORE than a nagging, self entitled bitch is one who can’t fucking spell.

I have nothing against her friend, and I wish her the best, but I only hope that she ‘nuts’ up and tells this lunatic hag to mind her own fucking business. If you’re going to have someone try to ‘hook you up’, have them do it in a bar, NOT on the internet. You should be able to navigate the internet by yourself.

My point is that if you’re honest with me, I’ll be honest with you. My Facebook profile may not be pretty, but it DOES have the distinction of being wholly honest. Although, I don’t tell ANYone in real life or otherwise, my real age. I DO however tell a woman how old I really am RIGHT before we fuck. JUST at the ‘point of no return’ so she doesn’t have time to think about it.

But believe it or not, the internet has actually given me a desire to grow up a little. Not in a [12]Billy Joel sucks because he stopped drinking, or [13]NIN isn’t as good anymore since Trent got married kinda way, but in a way that makes me see the parts of life that are passing me by. I have friends on Face book that I haven’t seen or heard from in 20 years. They have children, and wives, and careers, and houses. It actually makes me a tad jealous.

Jealous in a way that I hope will push me towards achieving these things for myself. As of now, I have a car that runs, a shit job, a bottle of Jergens, and an apartment with a mouse in it that my dog chases around knocking shit over like in a Tom and Jerry cartoon; One of the GOOD episodes before they changed the maid’s voice from sounding like Mammy in Gone with the Wind to Edie McClurg in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. I came home the other day to find my dog hiding around the corner from the stove with a broom in her hands and a French resistance uniform on. Suddenly, a mouse wearing a black and white striped long sleeve shirt with a red bandana around his neck poked his head out from under my stove, looked cautiously in both directions, and then ran across the kitchen floor at top speed while carrying a tiny loaf of French bread tucked under his arm. My dog gave chase and a ruckus ensued.

Anyway, I’m kind of cool with things just as they are. I occasionally date someone and they either dig me for who I am, or they don’t. Most times they don’t. I’d rather do it that way then be with someone JUST for the sake of being with someone. But there has to be a line. I’m WAY too critical and I have a childish Rated ‘R’ (R-uh if you’re African American) sense of humor. I’d no more wish to get rid of that part of me than I’d like to give up my Lost Bluray collection. I just have to find a way to sell that part of me in a better light. Like P.T. Barnum said: “Without promotion something terrible happens….Nothing!” So the internet seems like a great way to promote myself.

There’s a girl out there SOME where for me, of that I’m sure. The internet can help me find her, but it’s up to me to be a better man when I get into a relationship. I know I talk a lot of shit here, but let’s face it; It’s my OWN fault that I’m driving down a one way dead end street that leads to masturbationilvania. (Maybe it’s because I say things like ‘masturbationilvainia’?)

One of my biggest problems is that I ‘think’ too much in a relationship. I’m always looking at ways it could end. She’s gonna cheat, I’m gonna cheat, she’s gonna leave the box open on my ‘Fruity Pebbles’ and that’s gonna lead to a fight, her mom’s not gonna like me. All things that are purely in my head.

I think that instead of prosthelytizing the future like the computer movies of the 80’s, I should just let the future unfold. I’m sure that my friend ‘Smart’ Jim could give you a better definition of it, but I know there is a scientific principle which states that you CHANGE something simply by observing it. And that’s EXACTLY what I’ve been doing. I’ve been stepping outside of the relationship and viewing it from a third person point of view, instead of just being IN the relationship.

Bottom Line? It was getting in touch with people I respect on Face book that ultimately now drives my desire for something more from life. We learn a lot from other people, especially people we care about. My life of late has been pretty stagnant when it comes to making new friends. Now that I have a chance to re-kindle old friendships, make new ones, and keep in touch with those who I might not have otherwise, I find my views softening, and my jaded view of ‘what HAS to be’, becoming a more hopeful view of ‘what COULD be’. So thank you Face book. Thank you the internet and Thank you Ashton Kutcher.

But still….Fuck you Darth Maul guy.


[1] The Cal-Sag is a canal used for barge traffic and a conduit used for waste water in southern Cook County Illinois. It’s also a disgusting, smelly, murky waterway that snakes its way RIGHT behind my fucking apartment. Over the years, numerous dead bodies have been discovered dumped in this sewer, and there’s nothing quite like sitting on my balcony and watching the sun rise in the morning with a hot cup of delicious Brazilian Coffee…and seeing a turd the size of a full grown anaconda float by underneath me. Fuck you Cook County.

[2] 1984 is a novel that was published in 1949 by George Orwell. I cannot recommend it enough. The book depicts the future world of 1984 as one of perpetual war, pervasive government surveillance, and incessant public mind control. The individual is always subordinated to the state, and it is in part this philosophy which allows the Party to manipulate and control humanity. Holy shit, I just realized…1984 is about Jerry Bruckheimer. DAMN YOU BRUCKHEIMER!!!

[3] ‘Highlights’ magazine is a children’s magazine that’s been around since 1946 and has surpassed a billion copies in print. I can vaguely remember getting all excited as a child when the mail man would drop off the new issue. Much the same as when I drunkenly wait for the mailman to bring me the new Victoria Secret catalogue now.

[4] Salinger was best known for his novel ‘The Catcher in the Rye’ which was an immediate popular success when published in 1951. His depiction of adolescent alienation and loss of innocence in the protagonist Holden Caulfield was influential, especially among adolescent readers and serial killers. He is also well known for being a helluva recluse. He gave his last interview in 1980, and hasn’t left his house since.

[5] Brian Wilson is the lead vocalist and (mainly) songwriter of ‘The Beach Boys’. Over the years he has suffered a crippling bout of agoraphobia and once stayed in bed for THREE years while chain smoking, doing the pot, and sleeping. The rumor that I heard is that it was the Blues Brothers; Dan Ackroyd and John Belushi that finally got him off his ass and back to reality, but I can’t find any information confirming that. It’s probably one of those half truths, where they visited him, but just snorted some powder and left.

[6] Ashton Kutcher was one of the stars of ‘That 70’s Show’ which ran from 1998 to 2006. I have to say that when the show first aired, I didn’t think much of Kutcher, and as it continued on I fucking hated the kid. Too me, it didn’t seem like he was acting. I imagined that he was just as much of a narcissistic prick in real life, as his character was on the show. BUT, that’s the sign of a GOOD actor, isn’t it? The first movie I saw of his was ‘Dude, Where’s My Car?’ and nobody was more shocked than me, that I fucking loved that flick. But it wasn’t enough to make me think any better of Kutcher. I simply chalked it up to the writing. Over the years he’s been in a myriad of mostly shitty flicks, but THIS year he completely won me over. ‘Spread’ is a sexual comedy where, much like That 70’s Show, it was easy to imagine that Kutcher would act like the character he plays, in real life. But the story was great, the acting was superb, and Kutcher put his own money behind the film to make sure it got made. It was a good decision that won him a fan. ‘Spread’…rent that shit up TONIGHT, watch it with your girlfriend and I guarantee that you’ll be getting a handy halfway through the flick.

[7] Marion Mitchell ‘Duke’ Morrison, better known as John Wayne was mostly known as a tough as nails action western movie star. He lived from 1907-1979 and during his film career made 171 films. Most of the movies he made were shit flicks, but consider that he was most prolific during the 30’s when movies were still trying to find their way. As his career AND the movie industry grew, Wayne would become America’s father figure. Some of his best work can be found in movies directed by John Ford such as Stagecoach, The Searchers, and The Man Who Shot Liberty Vallance. His last film and my personal favorite of Wayne’s was The Shootist in 1976 where he starred opposite a teenaged Ron Howard and Jimmy Stewart. Wayne portrayed an aging gunman dying of cancer who must deal with the prejudices brought on by his fame, his illness, and being a role model to a young boy. In the end he decided to pick a fight so he could go out with a gun in his hand. In the movie Wayne utters one of my favorite lines of all time;” I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. I won't be laid a-hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them.” Wayne was well known for giving controversial interviews and not really giving a fuck. He was also a fantastic drunk who would troll for pussy with The Tonight Show’s sidekick Ed McMahon. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and join those two in a bar…oofa.

[8] Although everyone, at this point, knows WHO Elvis was…nobody seems to know what he did other than sing and star in a bunch of shit flicks. Elvis was a practical joker who would toss a monkey into a bedroom while his friends were trying to get laid, he was a momma’s boy, an honorary police officer who would ACTUALLY pull people over and give them tickets, he was a philanthropist who would hand out Cadillac’s like they were nothing, he was a Monty Python fan, a black belt, and he once pulled a gun on Alice Cooper. However, as he aged he got addicted to prescription drugs and became a bad joke in comparison to his former glory. The use of these drugs when combined with his diet of Meatloaf and Fried Peanut Butter and ‘Nana sammiches only brought on more medical complications with in him. On August 16th, 1977, twenty one days after my fourth birthday, Elvis’ 21 year old fiancĂ© found him dead on the floor of the bathroom. Most people assume that his death was caused by a drug overdose, but the coroner’s report states that he died of an impacted colon. He had 32 pounds of undigested meat in that mother fucker and it exploded inside of him, which MORE than explains why he was on the toilet when he collapsed.

[9] IN 1997 Marshal Applewhite, leader of a cult called ‘Heaven’s Gate’, convinced 39 of his followers that they needed to commit mass suicide in order to board a spaceship that he believed was hidden in the trail of the Hale Bopp comet. Personally? If ANYONE is THAT gullible, I say ‘so fucking long’. 39 more parking spaces in the world.

[10] Tarzan is a fictional character created by Edgar Rice Burroughs in 1912. Many see Tarzan as homage to Kipling’s character Mowgli from ‘The Jungle Book’ which was released in 1894. Tarzan was born to a British lord and lady who were marooned on the West coast of Africa by Mutineers. After his mother died of natural causes, his father was killed by a great ape whose tribe would go on to raise Tarzan from an infant and make him one of their own. Because of his upbringing, Tarzan would go on to learn how to communicate with all the animals of the jungle and he would possess superior strength, agility, and often intelligence over his enemies. In his adult years, Tarzan was found by family members who didn’t know that he even existed, and taken back to England where he received a classical education. However the stuffy dipshittery of noble society soon led Tarzan back to the Jungle where he went on to help others and fight crime. Good shit right? Well, in my opinion, the best incarnation of this tale which has included innumerable remakes, retellings, and sequels has to be ‘Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes’ The movie featured Christopher Lambert (Highlander) in his acting debut and even though it has the stink of 1984 special effects on it, it was still a well acted and engrossing story to behold. Rent it.

[11] Although McDonalds features many characters which make one think of the various foods they sell, I STILL don’t know what the fuck The Grimace is other than a fat purple monster. Someone once suggested to me that Grimace represents milk shakes, but I have yet to see a purple milkshake. Also, The WORD grimace means ‘a contorted twisting of the face that expresses disgust or pain’ and yet The Grimace always has a fucking smile on his face! Fuck you Grimace for antagonizing me with your lack of resemblance to any food stuff and confusing me with your name.

[12] Yes, I like Billy Joel…suck it. Billy was an ugly kid who tried his hand at boxing before going on to become the best song writer of our time. Yeah, I know the argument, I’ve had them many times…’But Mike, isn’t Springstien the best song writer of our time?’ No. Springstien IS a great writer, IF you live in fucking New Joisy, ok? Joel bends the ear of the entire world and his music speaks to me more directly than any other. Maybe I relate so well because I’M an ugly fuck and it warms my heart that this man married the hottest fucking super model of the 80’s. Sure it didn’t work out, but Joel stuck his foot in the door of super model pussy, and maybe he propped it open JUST enough that a douche like me can squeeze through. Thanks Billy, who loves ya? And fuck you Springstein, you STILL seem like any asshole I went to high school with that laughed at nothing, had no personality, but STILL got all the pussy because you played a fucking six string and rambled on about ‘azure skies’ and ‘hometown twat’.

[13] Ah, Nine Inch Nails, my SECOND concert. I sat so fucking far away from the stage; I may as well have watched it with binoculars from my roof. I remember the first time I heard ‘Pretty Hate Machine’…I was dumbfounded. Nothing I’d ever listened to sounded like that, and when an older friend got me into my first bar when I was 18, the punk chicks with pink hair were dancing to the words and industrial beat of Trent Reznor. I’ve never looked back. Those are still my kind of women, and that album enjoys a permanent residence at the TOP of my iPod ‘fuck’ list whenever a young lady deems me fit to be in the presence of her open legs.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

The Hempenary

I feel like I should give a little explanation to the Hempenary for those of you who are not my friend on the Facebook. The Hempenary is a work in progress. What you read here is not a complete Hempenary, nor do I think it will EVER be fully complete.

I'm writing a book called 'General Douchebaggery: Pontifications of an Idiot" and The Hempenary will act as a glossary of terms used in the book. I have 33 chapters written and what you are about to read only encompasses words used in the first 14 chapters. It has been suggested to me that I make 'The Hempenary' it's own book because it promices to be so fucking long, but I believe it to be a neccessary addition to General Douchebaggery. I don't claim that ALL of the terms were coined by me, but some of them were. Others are words I've simply heard in life that Webster won't dignify, and there are also those that friends have given me.

As I said, it's still a work in progress, so if you have any words that you don't see hear, and you think they would make an appropriate addition to the Hempenary, please feel free to post them in the comments section.

By the way, my last name is Hempen if you didn't catch that.

The Hempenary

1973 Dodge Dick (noun) – 1. A classic vehicle built in 1973 whose durable chassis and high powered engine was made to race at the Cuntingham Speedway 2. Other models of the same year include the ’73 Chevy Impenis, The ’73 Ford Puntang, and The ’73 Mercedes Bone

3 wheels all day (phrase) – 1. The point at which a woman weighs up to or over 300 pounds and whose weight never fluctuates 2. A woman’s perpetual state of being over 300 pounds

Allergic to Pussy (adjective) – a man who has a strong aversion to a particular vagina, and whose friends cannot figure out why that aversion exists

Alterna-chick (noun) – a super hot thin girl with short black, red, or pink hair who wears tight black clothes, some sort of high soled shoe, and is oft times VERY disinterested in fucking ME

Assholedness (adjective) – a man who is acting with, resulting from, or characteristic of the thoughtless, impetuous behavior of an asshole

Ass Piss (verb) – 1. An explosive discharge of diarrhea from one’s anus which is lacking of any solid chunks 2. A yellowish geyser which will erupt from one’s asshole when sick 3. The name of my band in high school

ATM (noun) – 1. an Automated teller machine 2. (verb) in porn, this is the term used to describe when a man removes his penis from a woman’s asshole and into the waiting mouth of a another woman i.e. ass to mouth

Bar Accident (noun) – an infant product created by the coupling of two drunken assholes that have neither means nor desire to see to its proper upbringing

Bar Dick (noun) – cute guys between the ages of 21 and 25 who don’t have to work at getting laid while at bars because women of that age see them in the same light that a retarded sees something shiney

Beer Goggles (plural noun) - the organ of sight or light sensitivity in men which is responsible for converting fat chicks into fuckable chicks after a certain amount of beer has been ingested

Bicok (noun)– A misspelled word meaning any number of things, my first guess is ‘big cock’
Big bitch (noun) – 1. A frighteningly monstrous woman who is not only tall but round as well 2. A woman whose bad attitude is only outweighed by her ass fat

Bi partisan ship (?) – I still have NO idea and I STILL don’t care to learn

Biscuits (noun) – An 80’s term used when someone has been proven wrong, by shouting it at the end of the statement which has outted their mistake example: BISCUITS! This term has since been replaced with DAAAAAAAAAAAYMN!

Blackstravaganza (noun) – a large group of African Americans

Blanket Party (noun) – 1. A gathering of men in which four hold the intended target down with a blanket while the others repeatedly bash his torso with bars of soap swung in towels or socks 2. A very violent and somewhat gay gathering of men

The Boy Who Cried Pussy (A Hempen Fable) - any lonely man who tricks his friends into thinking he got some stank on his hang low

Bra (noun) – a Hawaiian term used by douchebags to address what they perceive to be a close male Hawaiian friend

Bride-Grooming (noun) – the upkeeping of a woman’s crotchal area in which the pubic hair is shaved completely or left in the small shape of a heart, antelope, or landing strip

Bro (noun) – a term often misused in which a complete douchebag addresses what he perceives to be a close male friend

Bro-ham (noun) – A term used by an even BIGGER douchebag to address what he perceives to be a close male friend

A Bromsky (noun) – the act of placing ones mouth in a woman’s ample cleavage and making a zurbert while shaking one’s head back and forth; See also ‘A Motorboat’

Brovah (noun) – a term used by Desmond on ‘Lost’ to address close friends

Cankles (noun) – the part of a heavy set womans leg where the leg fat morphs into the foot fat creating a Redwood Tree circumference where a normal person’s ankle would be

Cat Food and Ass (smell) – 1. An odor that is created when a man and a woman have vaginal intercourse 2. Cat food and ass is not detected immediately, however when one partner leaves the room and comes back, the odor is prevalent

Catnip for Black People (noun) – A restaurant or diner of whose clientele mainly consists of black people i.e. Red Lobster

Catnip for Pussy (noun) – an establishment or penis that draws women to it i.e. Vision Nightclub in Chicago or Scott Baio

Celtic Curse (noun) – A curse which afflicts the peni of Irish men to be below average in length
Cheap floozy (noun) – 1. A thin yet wholly unattractive woman who frequents karaoke bars and other less savory joints in search of booze and dick 2. A vulgar and promiscuous woman who’s handy will only come at the cost of a mimosa

The Chick Mullet (noun) – 1. A woman’s haircut that conveys her general lack of interest in the way that she looks 2. Cropped short on the top and sides, but with lengthy flowing locks in back, this is the typical hairdo of a butch lesbian

A Christmas Shit (noun) – A truly smelly gift that wafts about the house on Christmas morning

Cock Block (verb) – the act of one male impeding another’s trip to Vagina-Ville

Chubby Chaser (noun) – 1. a gentleman who prefers the company of large women 2. A tubby vagina, taken with or after one of a smaller and more aesthetically pleasing nature e.g. fucking Rosanne Barr after Scarlett Johanson

Clit diving (verb) – to jump or throw yourself into a clitoris, usually head first, with the intention of performing some back arching cunnilingus

A Clitoral Bonanza (noun) – 1. a nightclub or other such establishment which yields great vaginal success 2. An extremely desirable, perfectly proportioned, and often rare clit found while on a whisker hunt

Cooter (noun) - 1. The county mechanic and an honorary Duke on the TV show ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’ 2. Although I can’t imagine ANY scenario in which I might use this expression, cooter refers to a woman’s naughty bit

Cracker Parade (noun) – a large group of cracker ass crackers

Craptacular (adjective) – 1. A shit that is impressive or dramatic to look at or watch 2. A remarkably large, great, or speedy poop 3. A lavish dookey or fartistic production

Crazy-eyes (noun) – the creepy gaze of a whack-a-do

Creamed beef on toast (noun) – 1. Some sort of grayish gravy with chunks of what I assume is meat in it poured over toasted white bread 2. I really have no fucking clue; also referred to as ‘Shit on a Shingle’

Creeper (noun) – a quaint female term used to describe a man who does odd things, not necessarily TOWARDS them but around them, in a social setting i.e. a man who stares intently at an inanimate object while tugging on his earlobe or who flicks peanuts at an animal while grasping his package

Crossing Streams (verb) – The undertaking of two males, in the act of close quarter urination, in which they cross their pee streams

Cuntish Demeanor (noun) – The disposition of a woman in which she acts like a cunt

Cunty (adjective) – a man who is in the throes of a womanly temper tantrum example: Don’t be cunty

D.C.F.S. S.W.A.T Team (proper noun) – The Department of Children and Family Services Special Weapons and Tactics Team is a specialized branch of the DCFS that is called out to euthanize parents who are unfit and irresponsible in the care of children Examples: parents who bring children to a midnight showing of a rated R film, mothers who leave infants in cars to ‘run in’ and buy cigarettes, and father’s who spend more time beating their boys than teaching them to conduct themselves like men

D.P. (noun) – 1. Director of Photography 2. Double penetration

Dick Assumption (noun) 1. a dick that a woman believes is hers without proof 2. The act of a woman to take a dick upon herself without previous consent

Dick-vertising (noun) the public promotions of one’s penis in order to attract or increase interest in it

Dimwit (noun) – A woman of diminished intelligence who’s only form of discussion is through confrontational anger

Dingus (noun) – a very abrasive and often intellectually inferior penis

Dooky (poo noun) – a pasty shit that lies somewhere between a solid and a liquid but still falls in the form of tiny chunks or pellets 2. A poop whose tremendous odor belies its tiny mass; see also ‘The Snoopy Sno-Cone Shit’

Double Gunt – (noun) a mammoth amount of fatty tissue that protrudes OVER the first gunt resembling two large fluffy couch cushions on top of one another also known as a lard sandwich

Douchebaggery (noun) – A general lack of all things sensible

Douche-chill (verb) – a sudden shuddering feeling of coldeness caused by fear, anxiety, or excitement brought on by a douchbag

Drop-Fuck (verb) – An illegal move in the world of fuckery in which one sexual partner attacks the others genitals by leaping into the air and striking their partners private parts with their own

Dropping a Deuce (verb) – A shit made of more length than girth that breaks in the middle due to weight or an unexpected sphincter clench, the second half of which is produced through some forceful pushing and contorted facial expressions

Emoticons (noun) – annoying little fucking smiley face things used by individuals who lack a coherent vocabulary

Ex-sex (noun) – an often hot and passionate sexual encounter with an ex lover

Eye-groping (noun) – a loving glance made at a womans breasts or buttocks that turns creepy when it goes on past 30 seconds

Face book thirty (noun) – The age at which a man turns on the internet when people start to notice that he’s been 29 for 7 years

Fat Chick (noun) – 1. A woman having a body weight greater than is considered desirable or advisable 2. A woman who is somewhere north of ‘heavy’ 3. 98% of the women who post on dating websites

Fat friend (noun) – 1. The beastly, ever present, and stalwart companion of a hot chick whose only goal is to slam the door of pussy on your genitalia 2. A girthy woman whose jealousy seeks to deprive her beautiful companion of the evening’s dick

Fat ripple (verb) – a convulsive wave of flesh that runs down the course of a fat woman’s body when displeased, much like a when a rhino stomps it’s foot before charging.

Feeling Froggy (verb) – the act of an over-testosteroned male in which he feels the need to jump violently at the smallest provocation

Florida (noun) 1. the name of the actress who played the mother on ‘Good Times’ 2. A section of skin shaped like the handle of a cast iron cooking pan that extends away from the body it belongs to i.e. a dick

Forever hold (verb) – An aggressive act often made by a disgruntled retail employee, in which a person calling to ask dumb questions such as ‘what is your phone number there?’ is told to wait a moment and then is placed on hold never to be talked to again

Friskies (noun) – 1. A gathering of hot legal teenage girls, usually in a mall, who cavort and carry on in a spirited manner 2. A group of young ladies whose tight jeans are so low that one can see their who-ha popping out of the top

Fuckable (adjective) – 1. Not HOT, but not grotesque either 2. Will do in a pinch

Fucking one’s hand (masturbatory phrase) – 1. Masturbation at a quick steady pace 2. Masturbation wherein the masturbator keeps his fist at a fixed position while thrusting his penis into it repeatedly 3. Masturbation intended more for speed than comfort

Fugetaboutit (verb) – A term used mostly by Gumbahs meaning ‘don’t worry about it’ or ‘don’t give it another thought’.

The Friend zone (noun) – 1. a place that men sometimes find themselves in with women, that is mysterious and cannot easily be explained 2. A destination in the female psyche of which a man can easily founder into by not giving a woman any reason to consider him a potential sexual partner i.e. not even trying to kiss her by the end of the second date

Gangsta Lean (verb) – 1. Intransitive verb when a car is in or moves to a position that is at an angle to the vertical due to the weight of a passenger or driver

Gazoongas (noun) – comically oversized titties often implanted when a woman’s attractiveness has hit the wall making her feel the need to draw a man’s gaze from her crows feet and laugh lines

Getting the Card Stamped (Phrase) – a term meaning that a man has been rejected by a woman, like a traveling salesman who gets his passport stamped at many airports without success of selling his product example: DAMN! She stamped the SHIT outta your card!

Getting the Christmas Goose Early (phrase) – Pinching someone’s ass during the holiday season is considered giving them their Christmas goose early

Getting some Stank on your Hang-low (verb) – the act made when a man’s penis is placed inside of a woman’s vagina

Getting some strange (phrase) – 1. A random sexual encounter with a hot chick met in a bar 2. Not to be confused with ‘Poking some peculiar’

Getting Tapped Out (verb) – the act of one man, in the throes of an MMF threesome, hitting the other lightly more than once, informing him of his desire for imminent sloppy seconds

Ghetto pass (noun) – a very rare declaration made by a black man or woman giving permission to a specific white man to use the word nigger when he has proven beyond doubt that he is not oppressive or racist in any way

Glowering Cow (noun) –a fat chick who looks at somebody or something with sullen anger or strong resentment

The Gooch (noun) – 1. A bully who occasionally picked on Arnold Jackson 2. The skin between one’s balls and asshole; see also ‘taint’

Goopey load (noun) – a semiliquid sticky or messy ejaculate which often muddily splashes from a penis rather than squirts in a fine spray

Gravitationally Challenged (noun) – a politically correct term used to describe very fat women

Grumpy Sumo Wrestler (noun) – An argumentative fat chick; See also ‘Pouty Hippo’

Gunt (noun) – 1. The surface of the body of a woman where the stomach dips down past her genitals 2. A pants covered region on a woman’s Netherlands wherein there is no distinct separation of gut and cunt 3. Disgusting

The Hairy Eyeball (verb) – 1. A look that a woman will give a man whom she does not wish to be approached by 2. A condescending glare

Hammy Shit (noun) – A poorly acted movie i.e. ‘Manhunter'

The Hempen Back Massage (noun) – a completely uneducated fumbling about the naked back of a woman where in the act of human contact, not proficient at massage, is enough to spark a woman’s vagina to moisten

The Hempennis (noun) – My Cock

Hetero life partner (noun) – The person with whom a straight man has decided to spend the rest of his life with in a non sexual relationship because pussy eludes him at every turn

Holiday Anal (noun) – a form of sexual intercourse in which a man puts his penis into the anus of a man or woman on a nationally recognized holiday i.e. Canadian Boxing Day

The Holiday Hard On (noun) – a rock solid hard-on traditionally placed inside of a vagina on Christmas Eve

A Hooker’s Asshole (noun) – 1. A highly offensive sphincter that perpetually smells of mud butt 2. A vile hole of treachery that vomits partially digested gummed chunks of fast food

A Hot Mess (noun) – A woman in a dirty or untidy state usually while smelling like she just sucked a cigarette’s dick

A Huge White Whale Piece of Shit (noun) – A fat white woman whose gross neglect and unfair treatment of those weaker than her causes harm to others

Hulking Out (verb) – the act of a retarded to exhibit great strength when angered

Human Beingary (verb) – The simple act of acting like a god-damned civilized human fucking being

The I’m not a fag seat (noun) – A seat, usually in a movie theater, that remains unoccupied between two heterosexual men

Inner Asshole (existential noun) – 1. The inner asshole is a part that lies deep within the core of all those that YOU consider to be ‘nice’ people Example; when a church mom stubs her toe on an end table and lashes out at her child who simply asks if she’s ‘ok’ 2. The inner asshole should not be confused with the inner cunt, which helps in your beautiful and kind wife’s decision to bury another’s cock in her penile cemetery plot

Inner Nigger (noun) – 1. Even though I agree with the argument of Chris Rock that there are ‘niggers’, and there are ‘black people’, the inner nigger is well suppressed, but ever present within the latter. This is the inner voice that makes even the most well mannered, well educated, and well intentioned of African Americans curse and scream when they don’t get their way instead of trying to discuss a solution Example: Everything that Whoopi Goldberg does on the View 2. This phenomenon is not ONLY specific to black people and can be seen in fat white women, drunken white men, Asians in traffic school, and Hispanics when their Boost Mobile minutes run out in the middle of a conversation

The Internet Fandango (noun) – A vigorous internet chat laced with double entendres and sexual overtones traditionally performed by a man and a woman as a courtship ritual

Jerkin’ one’s Gherkin’ (masturbatory phrase) – A form of masturbation wherein the masturbator smiles delightfully to himself

The Jimboree (noun) – a gathering of 3 or more persons who have the first name Jim

A Jimjam (noun) – a gathering of no more or less than 2 persons who have the first name Jim

Jism (noun) – semen

Jumping on the Fat bomb (verb) – 1. an act usually performed by a wingman, in which he throws himself in front of a fat chick while you make good your escape with her hot friend 2. In the case of a REALLY good wingman, he will actually FUCK the fat chick in furtherance of YOUR effort to bag the hotty, earning himself a Vaginal Medal of Valor in the process

Junk (noun) – a formidable, yet sloppily combed private area

The Kemo-Hempy (noun) a coat worn, for more than 7 years by Michael Hempen which resembles a jacket that may have been sown together by pioneers of the old west

Kid drunk (verb) – the hilarious stumbling about of children after they have accidentally drinken a beer that has been left out

Kid Fucker (noun) – Although this term should always follow the preamble ‘dead’, as in ‘dead kid fucker’, our society still hasn’t gotten the balls to shoot these vile pieces of dog shit upon conviction, but instead continues to relinquish to the notion of ‘justice’ by sending them to a nice comfortable prison. There is no justice when a kid is fucked…kill the kid fucker where they stand. If my book sells, I offer a 10000 dollar bounty for every kid fucker scalp you bring me. see also 'soap box'

Kitten Ass (noun) – 1. A man in complete and utter thrall to his woman 2. A man who submissively shows favoritism to his woman over his friends on a consistent basis see also; pussy whipped

Knuckleville Junction (proper noun) – 1. A stop along the railways that cross the harsh terrain between Vagina-ville and Masturbationilvainia 2. Knuckleville Junction will oft times find multiple men in various stages of penile manipulation

Let-me-tell-YOU-something’s (noun) – a gathering of hot Hispanic or African American legal teenagers usually in a mall, who although dressed wildly inappropriate and sexually explicit, tell any man who approaches them to fuck off not to be confused with; Friskies

Losery (noun) – a state in which I find myself on most days

Lunatic hag (noun) – An older woman whom should know better than to act like a twit, but whom

The Magnificent Seven Inches (noun) – a nickname used for the Hempennis

The Mall Cop Lean (verb) – The act of mall security officers in which they move to a position that is at an angle to the vertical, usually on a calendar or watch kiosk counter, while hitting on hot teenage employee’s of said establishment who want nothing to do with their 8 dollar an hour, go-tee’d, distended belly having, 40 year old still living with mom, real cop wanna-be asses

Man-Scaping (noun) The enhancemet of the appearance of a mans pubic area, especially around the penis, by altering the countours of pubic hair and shaving the balls completely

Masian (noun) – a rare and odd looking individual whose heritage cannot be clearly discerned as Asian or Mexican

Master Cocksmith (noun) – A man who, although his cock may not be mighty, wields it as though it were

Masturbationilvania (proper noun) – 1. A lonely township which lies in the foothills of the Flogginit mountain range 2. Masturbationilvainia is exactly on the opposite side of the globe from Vagina-ville

Mega Woman (noun) – A seemingly normal human female in all respects save one; she weighs 500 pounds.

Mexicans in Frickin’ Dance Clubs (noun) - a term, used ONLY by Jessica Smith in which she voices her general lack of interest in dancing Hispanics

Mexiganza (noun) – a large group of Hispanic Americans

Mid-jerk (verb) – the act of being half way or more into a self stimulating stroke a thon

A Mouth Wash (noun) – a female aperture which cleans a penis with a revolving tongue and jets of spittle, usually to orgasm if done correctly

Nekkid (adjective) – an unattractively naked man whose in-the-buffery is often considered to be threatening or disturbing to those within eyesight of it

Neuticals (noun) – Testicular prosthetic implants for neutered pets

New Pussy (noun) – a thrilling and exciting new vagina which stimulates a man for the first time in a long time when the previous and often current vagina has become ho-hum and commonplace

The No Call List (noun) – a mental list created by a woman, on which men she has no desire to bang are penciled in

Nouveau Riche (adjective) – a fancy way for assholes like me to say ‘new’

Nutting up (noun) – the act of a man to take responsability for his actions

On the labia wagon (phrase) – Taking time off from the perils of vagina; see also ‘spinster’

Pandora’s Vagina (noun) – 1. A vagina that a man KNOWS he shouldn’t fuck because his pennis sense is tingling, but which he cannot resist 2. Opening Pandora’s vagina means to unleash an evil upon the world which cannot be undone 3. A vagina which, although beautiful and wondrous, brings with it misfortune and lies

Pants tent (noun) – a denim, courdoroy, or gabardine fabric held up by a man’s pethis when it is in a state of excitement while its owner is fully clothed

Passive Aggressive Rambling (adjective) – The speech of a talky bitch which seeks to manipulate others indirectly and belittle people to their face whom she thinks are too dumb to notice that she’s doing it

Pending vagina (adjective) – 1. A vagina that is about to happen or come into effect for a man 2. A vagina not yet dealt with, decided upon, or settled into

Peni (noun) – The correct plural form of ‘penis’, it is NOT penises

Penile Clientele (noun) – 1. The female clients or customers of a professional penis proficient in the world of dick-vertising 2. Any lady shopping for dick

A Penile Distance(noun) – the length of space at which a woman keeps a man when she wants him to THINK there will be insertion even though her objectives are less than scrutable

Penile flirt (verb) – 1. When a cute female server actually wants some dick 2. An EXTREMLY rare occurrence except where celebrity is involved

Pennis (noun) pronounced like ‘tennis’ 1. A substitute used when one finds the hard ‘E’ in penis to be too firm 2. To lighten the tone of one’s junk by giving it a soft ‘e’

Pethis (noun) – A penis which, although not great in length or girth, has the distinction of being very pleasing and impressive to look at, listen to, touch , smell or taste

Pimp ride (noun) – Any car that one is not embarrassed to hand the keys of to the valet.

The Planet Pussiter (noun) – A planetary body within the twat nebula where mysteries abound

Poking some Peculiar (verb) - a random sexual encounter with a NOT so hot chick met in a bar

Poo March (verb) – 1. An incredibly ludicrous walk in which the none of the bodies extremities are moved save the legs at the hip joint 2. A quick zombie-like amble brought on by one’s need to shit furiously

Pouty Hippo (noun) – The point at which a heavy woman shows displeasure; See also; Glowering Cow

Pre-vaginal ceremony (noun) - 1. the work or planning involved in making ones penis ready in advance of pending vagina 2. A state of pre-vaginal readiness

Pumping off (verb) – an angry form of masturbation which is often accompanied by the gritting of teeth

Pussy boner (noun) – a vagina whose state of sexual excitement makes its owner forceful like a man

Pussy Corporation Ltd. Inc. (noun) – 1. A vagina recognized by law as a single pussy with its own powers and liabilities, separate from those of honest, thoughtful, and dignified women. Pussy Corporation Ltd. Inc. performs many of the functions of a private vagina, only on a far more grand scale 2. A group of vaginas acting as a single entity

The pussy express (noun) – a penis that travels direct to its intended vagina, making few or no stops on the way

Pussy preparation mode (noun) – 1. The work or planning involved in making a penis or scrotum ready for pending vagina 2. A way, manner, or form of putting a dork in a state of readiness 3. Manscaping done in advance in order for one’s crotchal area to be ready for a future vagina

The Pussy Process (noun) – 1. a series of actions directed toward bedding a specific vagina 2. A series of natural occurrences that produce change or development in a vagina i.e. divorce, recurring small peni, horrible sex

Pussy Stockholm Syndrome (noun) – 1. A condition experienced by some men who have been held at vagina-point for an extended time in which they begin to identify with and feel sympathetic toward their girlfriend whose done just horrible shit to them 2. When a man stays with a woman whom he knows that he should not because of her extracurricular vaginal exploits

Quick Pussy (noun) – a vigorous one night stand

Rack (noun) – a substantial bosom which when revealed unteathered from clothing restrictions, stands at attention and is able to hold a full glass of water without dropping it

Rama Lama Ding Dong (genital noun) – 1. A penis in the midst of minding its own business 2. Not to be confused with Rama Lama, Rama Lama Lama Ding Dong which is a narcissistic penis who likes his presence to be known.

A Rapey Vibe (noun) – 1. a particular kind of feeling or ambience that some men exude when they are not clear in meaning or intention while alone with a woman 2. a creepy feeling that some women get in regards to a potential date which should NOT be overlooked

A Real Trooper (noun) – a woman who will not only let, but often insist that a man releases his seminal load on her face

The Relationship Countdown Clock (noun) – a metaphorical clock which countsdown the time left in a relationship as a mans girlfriend approaches 21 years of age

The Re-Shirt (noun) – A T-shirt with a picture of a retarded on it

Retail Masturbation (verb) – 1. The act of an individual customer to consistently buy things and then return them soon after purchase for no discernable gratification 2. An act usually carried out by people of a low intelligence

Retail Psychic (noun) – a loser, whose time spent in the same position for more than 10 years, garners him a profound insight into the behavior of prospective clientele before they enter his place of business

Rim Job (verb) – 1. Getting the rims of one’s car replaced or cleaned 2. The act of licking another’s taint or anus with the tongue

Ripe vagina (noun) – 1. a female sexual organ or ‘HEY NOW!’ that has matured or aged enough to have developed the best flavor and body 2. A vagina at the most suitable stage of preparation or development 3. A pussy, usually in its early to mid twenties that is mature and ready to be plucked and eaten

The Robot (verb) – the most awesomest dance ever

Roofie Cookies (secret noun) – Shhhhhhhhh!

Rotundiness (noun) – The point on a mostly circular woman at which the head begins to resemble a large thumb

Ruckus (noun) – a noisy and unpleasant disturbance, usually caused by a fat chick
Sausage fingers (noun) – the thick fingers of an extra large person that can barely bend at the knuckle

Schedenfreud (noun) – a German word which has no LITERAL English translation, but loosely means ‘taking pleasure in the misfortune of others’

Semen Shrapnel (noun) – A geyser which sometimes spurts free JUST before one has the presence of mind to cover one’s dick hole with a tissue

Serial Chubber (noun) – 1. A chubby woman who tries to seduce a number of men on the internet using subversive and false methods over a period of time, especially one who uses the same method each time 2. A woman who has never known ‘thin’ and from birth was a sizable individual i.e.; a habitual fatty

Sextacular (noun) – a sexual marathon between two partners that often lasts a weekend or more

Shitheadedness (noun) – rash or thoughtless behavior made by a shithead

Shooting Ropes (verb) – A stringy ejaculation of semen brought about from eating certain foods such as large amounts of celery example: ANY Peter North movie

Sitting bitch (verb) – 1. the act of a male in which he is forced to sit in the passenger seat of a car, or behind the driver of a motorcycle 2. The occupant of a vehicle of which he is not in control is said to be sitting bitch see also; bitch seat

Skullduggery (noun) – 1. An awesome word which means ‘unfair and dishonest practices carried out in a secretive way in order to trick other people’ 2. If this word were a vagina, I would fuck it

Slacks-capade (verb) – 1. The act of a man shopping for pants 2. A hetero adventure to a mall in which a man shops for hours searching out a new pair of dungarees

Sloppy seconds (adjective) – a humping that is additional to and less important than the first or main hump

Snaggle-tooth (noun) – a person whose teeth look like an M.C. Escher drawing

The Snatch Shallows (noun) – a bay in the Gulf of Clitoria where the vagina is more beautiful, but displays little intellectual or emotional complexity or value

Soapaphobic (noun) – an individual whose lack of hygiene causes them to smell of ass

Spaghetti unibrow (noun) – A thin unibrow made of pasta

Sphintoric Endeavor (verb) – The need of one’s anus to make a serious and sincere effort to achieve a shit

Spictacular (adjective) – a lavish Hispanic celebration or production

Spider Nipples (noun) – hairy nipples that resemble a large furry spider squashed between knarled toes

Spinster (noun) – 1. An offensive term for a woman who has remained unmarried beyond a certain age 2. A man who acts like a woman and whines about not getting laid

The Squeeze Technique (masturbatory noun) –1. A procedure wherein a man squeezes the base of his cock JUST before orgasm, withholding the wonders of his semen 2. A modus operandi which should only to be used in EXTREME circumstances where tissue is not present i.e. police station interrogation rooms

Stalkerazzi (noun) – All of the men in a bar who hit on one particular woman, usually the most beautiful one in the establishment, without success

Stalk Monster (noun) – 1. An undesirable female who will follow or try to get close to a man who has already expressed his disinterest in her 2. A woman whose perceived rotundiness or vicious behavior terrifies and disgusts the subject of her affections

Steppin’ (verb) – 1. some sort of dance of which elderly African American couples are frequently involved 2. A source of great humor for Mike Hempen and Action Jim as Mike’s mother would practice ‘steppin’ with video tapes

Stripper stank (noun) – the vaginal secretions left on a penis after a stripper has dismounted it

The Structurally Deprived (noun) a politically correct term for homeless people who wear newpaper underwear

Super Sized (noun) – 1. A woman whose girth is greater than what is normal 2. A woman who is large to or in a high or extreme degree 3. A big bitch; see also ‘Fat Chick’
The Swallow (noun) – a favorite bird of 18-25 year old girls who don’t know any better
Sweater prison (noun) a secure garment made of cotton or synthetic fiber in which breasts are confined as punishment for being beautiful or while waiting to be unleashed upon a lucky gentleman

Sweater-Puppies (noun) – a pair of aestetically pleasing breasts, made even more so by the tight sweater that houses them

Sword Fight (verb) – a very homosexual act, usually performed by 2 males who claim to NOT be homosexual wherein they mock a contest of phallus with their peni

Taint Bait (noun) – a hot chick with a long narrow tongue

Tang (noun) – 1. A drink used by astronauts 2. A derivative of the French word ‘pun tang’ which means ‘female genitalia’

Talent (noun) – 1. Multiple hot ass woman, usually meandering about a bar 2. An unusual natural ability within a group of extremely beautiful women to look amazing, especially in the ass area

Talky bitches (noun) – Women who drone on and on and on, only pausing to let you talk long enough to order them another drink

Teefus (noun) – 1. A person’s teeth which are in a state of upheaval or rebellion from the gums 2. Teeth which protrude in all directions see also; snaggle-tooth

Thas how I Roll (Phrase) – A term meaning ‘that’s how I do things’ example: Eating chocolate covered dove peni? Thas just how I roll

Tig ole Biddies (noun) – 1. A very large set of bazooms i.e. big ole titties

The Time Machine (noun) a term used to describe an ATM machine when one spends all of their time there i.e. the ATM at a strip club

Tip flirt (verb) – 1. Vaginal verb When a cute female server behaves in a playfully alluring way in furtherance of pandering to your lack of sex in search of a bigger tip 2. Penile verb When a man is in the presence of a woman or women and the tip of his penis precariously pokes its head out of the hole in the front of his boxer shorts unbeknownst to him

Tit Man (noun) – a man whose first priority when sizing up a woman, is her ta-tas

Titsember (noun) – The 7th month of the Hempenian Calendar

Tomfoolery (noun) – silly behavior

The Troll Brigade (noun) – a group of hideously ugly women organized to achieve a particular goal such as scoring dick from drunken guys or characterized by a common trait such as attitude, weight, vulgarity, or smell

Trooper (noun) – a woman who will let a man shoot his ropes on her face example; she’s a real trooper

Tubby Brat (noun) – a fat woman in the throes of a quiet temper tantrum

Turtling (verb) – the act of a penis to retract itself entirely inside the pubic area, usually when frightened or extremely cold

Uber-horny (adjective) – 1. a person who is extremely sexually excited, or very easily aroused sexually 2. A state of being in men in which the slightest breeze can make them fuck the most inanimate of objects i.e. fucking a gourd after cutting a hole in it and slightly warming it in the microwave

Unknown Pussy (adjective) – 1. Undetermined or undiscovered vagina 2. A pussy that is not known to, or recognized by, my penis

The Vagimazon (noun) – Also known as ‘Vagimazonia’ is an unkempt, moist, tropical, pussy forest that covers all of a woman’s pubic area and may never have seen a razor, clippers, or have had any bride grooming done in its lifetime e.g. All Greek women

Vaginal sabbatical (adjective) – a voluntary vacation from the happenstance of vagina

The Vagina Corps (proper noun) – Sometimes referred to as G.I. G-Spot, the Vagina Corps is a rag tag group of every straight man on the planet who would like to get laid slogans include: A pussy of one, Vagina Strong, Today's Vagina Wants to Join YOU, and Be All The Vagina You Can Be

Vaginamite (noun) – 1. An explosive vagina whose unstable nature will cause catastrophic ripples in a man’s psyche 2. A woman who will cause a man to act in ways that he normally wouldn’t because the sex is better than what he’s used to

The Vagina/Penis ratio (noun) – 1. The proportional relationship between private parts in a bar 2. The point at which is reached more of one than the other

Vaginatown (proper noun) – A rustic jungle village set deep in the heart of Twattica whose chief exports include wigs, tree stumps, razor burns, and a deep sadness. Founded in the 70’s,
Vaginatown enjoyed being nestled in the moist tropical forests until the land was laid bare by the Gillette Company’s ‘depubization’ project in the late 90’s. The only evidence left of its existence is a landing strip which occasionally haunts the barren waste of what was once a fertile bush.

The Vigina Triangle (noun) – An area on an extremely beautiful female between her thighs where peni and testicles have disappeared and not been seen again

Vagina-ville (proper noun) – 1. A fishing village whose borders caress the Gulf of Clitoria 2. Vagina-Ville is a place of infinite wonder where night time is ever present and secrets are kept from the prying ears of visitors from Cockifornia

Vagit Nam (noun) – a harsh and unyielding province where guerilla STD warfare is often used against invading and unsuspecting peni

Va-J-J (noun) a pussy that is dy-NO-mite!

The Vapors (noun) – A condition in which a man swoons like a woman

Whack-a-do (noun) – a woman, usually of a deeply religious or spiritual nature, whose overzealous and potentially dangerous belief system makes them a fucking loony

What-now (noun) – The private sector of a woman’s crotchal region that is used in a direct or indirect way to gather information about the identity or nature of its penile quarry at the present time

Where Club Kids Go to Die (noun) – A shitty nightclub whose D.J. moonlights as a bagger at Jewel and still plays ‘Copacabana’ and ‘Walk the Dinosaur’ to the sad ears of middle aged, over dressed, heavily perfumed, divoree’s whose sadness lies NOT in their wanting to get laid, but wanting to get laid by people in THAT nightclub

Where Hard-on’s Go to Die (noun) – A magical place where a penis is taken by a woman who, while sending out all the silent signals such as body language, alluring clothes, and the occasional touch, talks of mundane things such as laundry, children, or parents . This mindless blathering does not coincide with her sex pottery, and is wont to send a full on robot chub into a quarter flaccid state of penile depression

Whisker Hunt (transitive and intransitive verb)- 1. To persue a vagina with the intention of making the sweetest of loves on top of it 2. To engage in a sport involving the pursuit of consensual sex, usually with the aid of wingmen 3. To search persistently for a who-ha that’s difficult to find

White Trashery (verb) White people or a group of white people considered as possessing the stereotypical characteristics of a lower-income group in society, in the act of being white trash i.e. white people drinking mountain dew in a trailer park or disheveled white women hitting on men in return for their buying them a drink in a karaoke bar

Who-Dat (noun) – A womans clitoris

Who-er (noun) one of the best terms offered to the English Language from the Italians, who-er is a term used for somebody regarded as being sexually indiscriminate such as a wife or goomata

Who-Ha (noun) a woman’s man cave

Wingman (noun) – a friend whose job it is to help you get laid, usually in a bar, by introducing you to women or jumping on a fat bomb if necessary

Work Sex (verb) – the act of making the sweetest of loves in the place where one is employed

Wrestling The Cock (masturbatory verb) – the act of masturbation in which a man grips his penis using special holds while rolling around on the floor or in his bed

Yentering it up (verb) – 1. The act of 2 or more women clucking at each other like hens, often speaking over one another to the great annoyance of men

The Young Twattery (noun) – The young twattery is a wonderous place where a twat that has fermented for 18 years is ready to be tasted by a twat master

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Movie Snob

NOW we’re gettin’ somewhere. After my last post on Craigslist, in which I asked a myriad of questions, I received a deluge of responses. I’d forgotten how much women like to drone on and on about themselves and my questionnaire gave quite a few that opportunity.

However, even though it seemed that I was coming closer to my goal of finding Ms. Right, the lady whose attentions I decided to favor, from my gaggle of responses, pushed the wrong button on a bomb that’s wanted to explode for quite some time. In the grand scheme of things, the broad isn’t important, what is important though is the horrible act that she asked me to commit. After we ate dinner, she asked me to take her out to see [1]Transformers 2. She may as well have asked me if I wouldn’t mind shoving her fist up my ass.

When I asked her why she wanted to see that particular movie, and I REALLY wanted to know, she told me that she loved Megan Fox. I have GOT to stop dating chicks under 25. I promptly drove her home and dropped her off after a quick hand job, and I now look forward to never speaking to her again…all because of her choice of film.

And do you know why? Because I’m a movie snob and fucking proud of it.

I did end up seeing Transformers 2 after my best friend Mike and his girlfriend dragged me out to the theater. Why? Maybe from some sort of spiteful inner hatred towards me, or it could be the same reason most of America saw this steaming pile of hammy shit: because they don’t know any better. When I was a kid I actually liked the Transformers cartoon, and I had many of the toys. However, the fucking animated movie from 1986 had a better story and a more interesting history as it marked the final roles for both Orson Welles and Scatman Crothers.
Today I cleansed my movie going palate with ‘[2]The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly’. The comparison in my mind made me realize JUST how much films have changed over the years.

I don’t claim to be a film scholar, but I think I know some shit. My friends won’t even attempt to play Trivial Pursuit: Pop Culture with me because I’ve forgotten more Hollywood knowledge than most people will learn in a lifetime. Hell, I’ve created many an awkward silence by saying things like ‘I’m about to get luckier than [3]Marisa Tomei at the Oscars’ while on a date. The invariable look I get in return for a comment like that is somewhere between ‘who’s Marisa Tomei’, ‘what’s an Oscar?’, or ‘How do you spell ‘luck’?’

I’ve always been critical of film on a personal level because movies had so much to do with my upbringing. When I was a kid, my mother’s way of dealing with me when I was forced to go home on the weekend from military school was to walk me over to the mall at ten A.M., flash her badge to the manager of the movie theater, and leave me there to watch every movie until midnight so she could go tie one on at the local shithole cop bar.

On the many weekends that I DID spend on campus, I would be allowed to walk down to the Washington Square movie theater and see a flick. Sometimes the dean of our school would have movie nights on Wednesday in the library. I didn’t have access to film like I have now, but I know that I looked forward to those nights more than any other while I was there. We would often watch blaxploitation flicks from the 70’s because my military school was about 70 percent black, and even though Super Fly has the same effect on black kids that Rocky has on Italians, making them beat the shit out me for being ‘the man’, I was enthralled by the soundtracks and in love with those cars.

But sitting alone in the movie theatre on Saturdays, [4]Harrison Ford, [5]Michael J. Fox, [6]R. Lee Ermy, and [7]Steve Martin were my baby sitters and I could count on them more than I could count on my own family. Movies made me laugh, they inspired me to want more from life, and showed me that anything is possible…even writing a book.

Some of my fondest memories happened around film. The first movie I saw in a theater was Risky Business with my cousin. Little bit of an adult theme for a kid my age, but I fucking loved it. I was too young to have seen Star Wars in the theatre, but The Empire Strikes Back brought a whole universe of wonder to my brain. I remember the comradery I felt when I went to see Popeye with my mother on opening night and people had to stand in the back because the theater was so crowded.

When I got out of military school in ’86, the Beta-max war had just been won by VHS. This was in a time before Blockbuster, Hollywood Video, and Red box, when the neighborhood mom and pop video store reigned supreme. With eight months to wait until I was to start going to a public high school, I got a rental card for my local video store and rented 3 movies almost every night for a year. Because my mother worked midnights, I would stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning watching everything from Rodney Dangerfield Presents comedy specials to movies I had absolutely no interest in seeing. I would have theme nights where I would watch every movie with Jack Nicolson, Harrison Ford, or William Shatner. I even tried to teach myself Esperanto after seeing the only film ever made in that language: Incubus. I’m sure that by the time I was 16, I had grown up way too quickly. My vocabulary had quadrupled in that short time since military school, and I had learned how to cuss quite effectively.

Whenever I felt alone or depressed, I’d just ride my bike down to the video store for some much needed escapism. Was it a healthy way to deal with life? Hell no, but movies were there for me when no one else was. I’m sure that if you ask a lot of directors, producers, actors, gaffers and key grips…they’ll all have similar stories that inspired them to work in the film business. It makes for a cute sound bite, and chicks really eat that shit up. The problem I have is that it seems that any asshole can now walk out of a college and get behind the camera to make a shit film, no matter how fucking untalented he/she may be.

I take film as seriously as some people take the American Flag. To them, the flag represents freedom, their rights as a citizen, and an ever ending loyalty to the great nation that keeps them close to her bosom. When I see a movie like Transformers 2? It’s like someone just shit on my American flag.

I understand that they call it ‘show biz’ for a reason. It’s a fucking business, but the business of show has lost its heart, it’s lost its soul, and it’s lost my fucking mind. Before special effects became the big thing, a movie needed a good story, good actors, good camera work, good production, and good editing. NOW, Jerry Bruckheimer gets a shit script penned by illiterate 3rd graders and throws a 100 million dollars at it like he’s throwing a softball at ‘good taste’ in a dunk tank. Then his lackeys bribe worthless shithole magazine writers, who aren’t even critics, to pen a blurb about it, and through the magic of YOUR wallet, and YOUR stupidity…Hollywood art is created. Fuck that.

Jerry Bruckheimer…my arch rival…my nemesis. He is my [8]William Randolph Hearst. I’m actually WRITING a screenplay right now, and the protagonist is named ‘Bruck Dickheimer’. This man is to film, what BP is to The Gulf. I always hear ‘but Mike, his movies make millions of dollars’, yes they do, but for the SAME reason that the human centipede eats shit…because it doesn’t have a choice.

Jerry Bruckheimer will be responsible for the downfall of intelligence in this country. His films are so mind numbingly bad, that you have no CHOICE but to say you liked them, because if you gave yourself the time to really think about what you just watched, you’d put a shotgun under your fucking chin. I haven’t seen the public fall SO in love with such racist, sexist, misogynistic idiotic diatribe, and irrelevant, badly written, shitheadedness since Germany in the 40’s. Fuck you Jerry Bruckheimer…you’re a bad, bad guy…you go to hell.

Look, films influence young people. ESPECIALLY kids whose fathers are less available than Sid Vicious in an Opium den. When my father was a kid he had Clint Eastwood and John Wayne to teach him how to be a man. They were American role models who taught people to stand up for what’s right, take responsibility for their own actions, and treat other people with respect. In the 80’s, my generation was brought up with Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Russell, and Willis. The values they taught us were much the same but with a bigger emphasis on being tough. What do kids have now? Whiney pasty faced Vampires who walk around with a puss on their face because they have super powers and women who are famous for no other reason than that they have big tits. What are the values that Megan Fox is inspiring in your kids? That if you get implants you can be in movies with giant robots?

With so much potential in the world having its mind hammered flatter than Calista Flockhart’s tits, it’s hard to ignore the repercussions that film can have on society. Movies very often influence children to become students, to become politicians, to become Columbian drug lords, and recently? To become incredibly stupid. Kids need an Eastwood or a Stallone to show them right and wrong. There’s ALWAYS been crime in the world, but the fact that it keeps getting more violent and horrific HAS to correlate to the fact that movies keep getting shittier and shittier.

Don’t get me wrong here; I’m not advocating less violence in film. Hell, Kubrick, Kurosawa, and Eastwood are among my favorite directors and I imagine that just SAYING their names makes Bruckheimer wince like a vampire does when the curtains are drawn back suddenly at noon. What I AM advocating is that you tell the fucking story better. It’s irresponsible to slap this shit on a screen with no forethought as to HOW the god damned thing will be viewed. The FIRST fucking person’s name that should roll up on the screen during the closing credits is the writer. That way, we can collectively applaud his style and intelligence OR form a mob and go after him like the villagers in Frankenstein for pandering to the lowest common denominator.

Another thing that pisses me off is that there are people starving in AMERICA, in our home, hell down the street from you, there is a war going on right now that is bleeding us dry, jobs are gone, murder and mayhem run rampant through our streets and there are commercials which show me one eyed cats and dogs on scooters begging for change. WHILE all this is happening…Hollywood has the nerve to put a hundred million dollars into ‘Transformers 2’. WTF? Transformers 2 is to film what mimes are to comedy.

If your ONLY purpose in telling a story is to have Megan Fox running from place to place with her titties more crammed together than New Yorkers in Time Square at 11:59 P.M. on December 31st, then JUST do that. DON’T hide it behind an epic tale of giant fucking robots. How bout for 120 minutes, you JUST have Megan Fox run from one side of a room to the other with 43 inches of cleavage swinging around like King Kong’s nut sack. You save money on actors; you save money on post production, hell the only people you’d have to pay are the location scout, the ‘tit’ makeup artist, and Megan fucking Fox. I guarantee that you make JUST as much money at the box office, and with the dough you saved on production you can open up a nice Zoo to put homeless people in.

Look, I get capitalism, I UNDERSTAND the need to make a buck. But DON’T put a horrendous actress with big tits, and a kid who got famous for making an ‘oh no’ face in a movie about giant robots and have the nerve to call it ‘art’ of ANY kind. It’s NOT art. Its art in the same way that a ‘performance artist’ dipping pictures of Jesus in tubs of urine is ART. Entertainment? FINE! Pure entertainment, like when I put tape on my cat’s paws or put a quarter stick of dynamite in my asshole neighbors’ mailbox.

It positively boggles my fucking mind when they plaster on the posters ‘Transformers 2 is the most well written film since Dr. Zhivago’, or ‘Transformers 2 is 2009’s Citizen Cane!’ And then you whip out your electron microscope to view the ‘small print’ which looks like it was written using an ant’s dick, and it says ‘Raves Paula McNumnuts San Francisco Penny Saver’ or ‘Claims Jack Twat, Barely Legal Magazine’. Who the fuck ARE these people?

Your opinion matters WAY more than theirs, but Hollywood doesn’t have the balls to take REAL criticism. You never have, and you never will hear an HONEST opinion of a movie because Hollywood OWNS the fucking critics. Hell, I found out that if you want to join the critics association, you have to have, something like, 7500 reviews PUBLISHED, and THEN pay 100 grand just to be considered a ‘real’ voice. Then you get hired by Disney and they scrape any kind of intuition and originality you have out of your brain pan, and replace it with conspiracy riddled false adulation for their films. Just ONCE I’d like to hear, without any meandering or posthumous boot licking, that a movie just plain fucking sucked. These pussy critics out there tell you that the ‘cinematography was poorly crafted’, or the acting was ‘sub par’, but they do it in a way as to kiss ass at the same time. Just say “I’ve taken shits whose wafting odor filled my mouth with better taste than ‘Saw 4’” or “Besides having a name like a dickhead, the only acting career that Shia LaBeouf should have is as that asshole dressed like the Statue of Liberty outside of a Liberty Mutual Tax joint in a strip mall.” Be honest to US; DON’T pander to the fucking studios.

I dabbled in the ‘film critic’ seat myself for a time. My friend Smart Jim and I worked at our local cable access studio in order to learn how to use the equipment so we could put out our OWN half hour shit show and talk about just how crappy we thought movies are these days. The premise of the show was that we would first talk about WHY a new film was horrible, and then tell you about an older film of the same genre and why IT was so fucking good. Sure nobody watched it, but it was fucking fun to say what we had to say, and everyone who DID watch it loved hearing the opinion of someone who didn’t treat them like a fucking child.

Another annoying Hollywood side step is the fucking actors that REFUSE to say anything bad about working with one another. Look, I’ve worked with A LOT of people in my lifetime, and I can tell you shit for days about why each one of them is an asshole. And that’s just standing around in a fucking store. These actors work with each other on locations for months, in shit conditions sometimes, for 12 to 20 hours a day. Then Christian Bale gets in front of an E! News camera and starts hamming it up about how ‘working with Liam Nelson was truly an inspiring experience…during filming one scene, I had accidentally cut my hand off and Liam peed on my stump…4 minutes later my hand grew back. I understand that his snot also cures cancer’ FUCK YOU! Who are you kidding Bale? We’ve ALL heard the fucking ‘lighting guy’ tape…we KNOW you’re an asshole…so ‘asshole’ it up for fucks sake. I want to hear what you REALLY think of the people you work with. Being a ‘star’ is a category within the realm of human beingery…you don’t belong to a separate fucking race so give us your inner asshole…you’re a man, not a puppet.

I know the difference between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ when it comes to film, but sometimes a flick can fall in the middle. A perfect example of this? ‘Predator 2’. I recently purchased P2 on bluray and was shocked to find that the incredible transfer to HD did nothing to improve the shit acting in this film. If anything, it made it worse. The thing is though, that I STILL love it. I could watch Predator 2 over and over and never get sick of it. WHY? When I KNOW it’s a bad movie? Because it was a good idea, although poorly executed. But I like the premise of the movie enough to overlook the overacting and hammy dialogue.

Bringing a Predator to a CITY? That’s a good fucking idea to me. I always wanted them to bring the Aliens to downtown New York or Chicago because in my mind it just looked so fucking cool to have these things crawling all over buildings in huge swarms just as the sun was setting. Even though they brought me to the precipice of this dream at the end of Alien 4, they never delivered on the cliffhanger promise of Aliens crash landing on Earth. So Predator 2 was all I had.

The franchise that pisses me off the most now? The Twilight Saga. Look, I love vampire shit. I grew up reading Anne Rice and I almost shit all over myself from excitement when ‘Interview’ finally hit theaters. One of my favorite television shows right now is ‘True Blood’, and I’ve seen every incarnation of Dracula since Nasfuratu a hundred times (ESPECIALLY ‘Abbot and Costello Meet Dracula’). But this Twilight shit has got to fucking stop. First of all, I’ve never seen kids with super powers or girls DATING kids with super powers so fucking miserable. Second, the premise of these films is that a 109 year old guy is trying to fuck a 16 year old. Hello? Chris Hanson, can we get a ‘Dateline: To Catch a fucking Predator’ crew over here…NOW.

The MOST annoying thing about this garbage is that these aren’t even fucking vampires! I can’t think of ONE time in those movies that I saw them drink blood; in fact I defy you to tell me ONE scene IN these flicks where someone even fucking bleeds. They don’t even die in sunlight. Look, I’m not the most intelligent man on the fucking planet but it SEEMS to me that if I WANTED to fuck a 16 year old? Showing her that I look like a diamond in the sunlight would be the way to go about it. THIS Pattison mother fucker though, is afraid it would freak that chick out. Either this author is INCREDIBLY stupid…or she thinks YOU are.

Night Shift is a great vampire story, and Steven King even brought one of the characters from that novel into his Dark Tower series which I consider to be an EPIC and incredible piece of literature just ripe for a film. One of the ONLY times I’ve ever heard one famous person ‘mother fucking’ another was Steven King bitching about Twilight. I couldn’t have been more in his corner. This guy laboriously came up with one of the best vampire stories written, and here comes this chick and shits all over the very idea of vampires. Kudos King. Who loves ya?

The sad thing in today’s film industry is that often times TV shows are now BETTER than movies. Hell, Deadwood, Arrested Development, and Lost are some of the most well written and best produced things I’ve seen since ‘Unforgiven’ in 92. I’ve read stories about how film makers tend to look down on television directors, writers, and actors…and I can see why. They’ve lapped you in the talent race.

My point is that we’ve all had different experiences in life that have left an indelible mark on our psyches. Our experiences are what make us who we are as individuals and what makes one man weep in a film, may make another laugh. Where you see Twilight as a romantic adventure, I see a movie that talks down to me. Where I see an explosive sexuality in True Blood, you may see the fantasies of gay men. We all have different taste, but taste creates opinion and MY opinion of a film isn’t any more valid than anybodies. You have to form your OWN opinion. Just watch the fucking movie and decide for yourself. DON’T listen to critics, DON’T read the blurbs on the movie poster, and most importantly DON’T fall for Hollywood propaganda media bullshit.

Look, I like to read about the good days of movies, when REAL artists vied for a table right next to Hollywood’s kitchen. These were true innovators who had a story to tell, and they did it with class, dignity, savoir faire, and charm. They made you walk out of the theatre THINKING. Now, you go see a flick with more product placement in it than a 7-11, and you DO walk out thinking. Should you get the ‘peanut m&m’s? Or the regular? Most films are 68 minute commercials.

If a movie IS any good, the producer goes down to the editing basement which looks like Freddy Kruger’s hospice, smacks the editing dwarf on the back of the head with his ‘Saved By the Bell, Aren’t I cool Cause I’m Retro’ trapper keeper, and tells him less ‘emotion’, more ‘Pepsi’.

The reason why movies are so short is so they can fit MORE viewings in a day at the theatre. They actually edit out the good parts, the parts that DRIVE the story, and maintain the arc so the theatres have a chance to sell you 43 dollar bags of popcorn SIX times a day, instead of FIVE times a day.

THEN they shove it down your throat when the DVD comes out. ‘FILLED WITH EXTRAS’, and ‘DELETED SCENES’, shit, you’re OWED that deleted scene. That deleted scene cost you 14 bucks for a box of fucking whoppers. You already paid for that deleted scene. Not to mention the Nike’s you bought after you were brainwashed like [9]Alex in ‘Clockwork’, before the movie even started.

If you want to show commercials BEFORE the movie starts? Fine. But DON’T have the newspaper say the movie starts at 9:05, and I have to get there an hour ahead of time, wait in line like I’m trying to get toilet paper in the old U.S.S.R., knock old ladies down, try to pee so fast that my stream hits 88 miles an hour and sends me back to 1954 soaked in piss, and then when I finally DO climb over smelly, nacho infested, sticky, pierced teenage mothers of 3 on their SECOND date with their ‘baby daddy’, I’m plastered to the front of the screen like Wile E. Coyote when he lands at the bottom of the canyon. Only to find out that the movie doesn’t ACTULLY start until 10 because there’s an hour of Nike, Sanka, and Breast Cancer commercials before the projectionist stops playing online poker long enough to punish me with whatever shit flick my girl friend has sexually coerced me into seeing.

Even though the first TRUE movie theatre was created in 1896, there weren’t any movies to show yet. Most viewers were treated to various travel scenes like what your Granpa Touchisnuts shows you in the basement when you’re dragged to his house for a holiday. Over the years, as theatre’s morphed into huge viewing arenas called ‘Movie Palaces’, the idle wilds created by men as hobby for other’s to view, transformed into an industry sprouting profession, education, and expression of idea that we are unlikely to see come about again within our lifetimes. The most significant era of film came in the early 30’s when its importance was divided between entertainment and escapism. During the Great Depression, audiences gloried in spectacular fantasies of high society and easy living that they would never know. The zany characters of Screwball comedies could afford to be screwballs, while the average American could not. For an hour or two, though, they could all pretend to be Cary Grant or Katharine Hepburn. Movies inspired hope in the individuals who had lost everything and they made people forget, if only for a few hours, how downtrodden the outside world had become.

They would sit in a CLEAN theatre, with curtains, and a real sense that they were someplace special. Someplace where their problems couldn’t get them. The curtains would open in a spirit of ‘showmanship’, and they would watch a short news clip, that actually informed and amazed them because they were seeing things that they might not have ever seen. Then the lights would dim, and these people would watch with wonder and awe as beautiful, but seemingly REAL people unfolded a story full of romance, hope, and inspiration. These films had a purpose to entertain and offer escape, and they were DAMNED good at doing it.

Now, I walk into a theatre and I am instantly stuck to the floor. Seriously, what the fuck could a theatre serve you that if you spilled it, would cause a super glue type chemical reaction with the leather of your shoe? Shouldn’t someone call OSHA? Then as our societal courtship with etiquette has been stomped out like Tiger Woods’ sex life, there is inevitably a lonely ‘cat’ lady sitting in front of me, with an Aldi bag in the seat next to her, who has to laugh at EVERY unfunny pun; just so people around her THINK she gets the joke.

And my BIGGEST movie theater pet peeve? I swear to Christ, I’m going to call out a DCFS swat team the next time some dimwit brings her fucking infant to the midnight showing of ‘The Bad Lieutenant’. Why the fuck would you bring your wailing bar accident to a movie theatre for the midnight show of a Rated R movie?

I understand that as a human being, you WANT to see ‘Kill Bill 2’, but it’s not always feasible to pay for a babysitter. YOU have the same rights as anyone else if you want a little escapism. But GO SEE THE 2 o’clock show! WAIT for the DVD! MAKE your man where a fucking condom! Why should I be punished because YOU were too drunk to make Dash Mc Deltoid put on a Jim hat? THIS mother fucker cost me 10 bucks!

And Mexicans? I love you, I really do, but you have ovaries like a fucking dickhead. Keep the caravan at home. I went to see ‘Avatar’ recently, a THREE hour movie, and I kid you not a Mexican family came in to the theater TEN FUCKING minutes AFTER the film started, SEVEN children deep, and I don’t know how but they were all only 6 months apart. They ALL sat in ONE seat RIGHT in front of me piled up like a fucking cartoon totem pole! Quit pushing out social security numbers just so you can start a new fucking cell phone account. It’s a human being, NOT a fucking bill collector dodge.

Again, I work in retail, in a mostly Mexican neighborhood; these kids have the attention span of an end table. You expect ONE Mexican kid to sit still for 3 hours, you may as well expect to meet a kind respectable individual who has a job, his own home and a running car on Craig’s list…much less SEVEN.

I got up and left. Why waste my time? The evening could ONLY end in one of two ways: I leave and wait for the DVD, or I get my ass kicked by 7 Mexican kids for asking them to shut the fuck up.

Bottom line? It’s only when WE, the public stand up and demand that our movies be GOOD, that Hollywood will have NO choice but to comply. How do we do that? DON’T go see Deuce Bigalo 8: Deuce is a CAT, Don’t ask Santa for the Twilight toilet seat cover, and DON’T buy the 300 dollar Star Trek Collectors Movie Sponge REAL Replica Kirk Hairpiece Special Deleted Scene of Scotty Taking a Shit Tribble Edition Boxed Set.

Demand more from your entertainment, if not for you then for your kids. Where is THEIR Godfather? Where is THEIR Blade Runner? Where is THEIR Never Ending Story (first one, NOT the second). These were films that helped to shape a generation’s definition of ‘cool’ and inspired a flood of genius upon the gates of tinsel town which has been replaced by corporate shilling, irresponsible writing, and beauty mistaken for acting. MY choice of best film?
You’ll find out in ‘The Movie Snob Part 2: Electric Boogaloo’…coming soon to a Book store near you.

I’ll leave you now with THESE acclaims that I’ve received about my posts to Blogspot:

“A Blog-a-matic ‘tour de force’, with the writing style’s of Hemmingway, Chaucer, and Burroughs but BETTER!” – Screams Vlad Von Studebacon of Wild West Magazine

“This man is to Blogspot, what Einstein was to Relativity!” – Chants Candice Flabergast of the McDuffy’s men’s room stall!

“If our founding fathers were alive, they would READ THIS BLOG!” – Validates Chip Deltoid of a gay pamphlet with a rainbow on it!

“The most important thing anyone has had to say since Martin Luther King!” – Thrown with feces by a crazy man on top of a 57 Chevy Impala

“NOTHING has been this good EVER, not even Mother Theresa! Not Even Ghandi! It’s SO good; I’m going to sacrifice myself to it so that it will love me more!” – Rush Limbaugh

[1] Horse shit
[2] Clint Eastwood at his finest. The third in the ‘Man with no name’ trilogy, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly was an epic spaghetti western which followed the double dealings and deeds of a good guy, a bad guy, and an even badder guy as they search for lost gold in the backdrop of the American Civil War. Directed by Sergio Leone, the film also starred Lee Van Cleef and Eli Wallach (who is STILL alive and kicking today at 95 years old as evidenced by his supporting role in the recently released Wall Street Never Sleeps). In his introduction to the 2003 revised edition of his novel The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger, Stephen King revealed that the film was a primary influence for my favorite book series, and that Eastwood's character specifically inspired the creation of King's protagonist, Roland Deschain.
[3] After Marisa Tomei won the ‘Best Actress in a Supporting Role’ Oscar for her portrayal of Mona Lisa Vito in the comedy My Cousin Vinny at the 1992 Academy Awards, rumors began to circulate that Jack Palance, who read her name from the envelope, was drunk and didn’t read the name properly. Since none of the officials wanted to taint the Oscars with an embarrassing moment on live television, they let the announcement stand and the real victor, Vanessa Redgrave went home empty handed. Although I’d LOVE to believe this, as Hollywood conspiracy IS a beloved subject of mine, I have to call Shenanigans on this rumor. Although I DO believe that Palance was drunk or high, I do not believe that the officials would let a mistake like that stand.
[4] In the 80’s, when my mother would drop me off for my full day excursion at the theater, Harrison Ford was my favorite actor to see. It didn’t seem to matter what movie it was, it was always the best one I would see that day. I would time my jump from theater to theater just right so I could see his movie last to end the day on a high note, and when Raiders of the Lost Ark came out? I sat through it five times in one day.
[5] Another actor whose movies always stole my attention. I saw everything Fox made in the 80’s from Teen Wolf to Casualties of War. My first taste at a huge cliffhanger came in the form of Back to the Future’s harrowing end that left the audience clamoring for the second film in the series. It would be 4 years from its 1985 debut before I got to see what happened next, and even though I was just as excited to see the third…I can recall feeling a twinge of regret that it came out only months after the second. I think the anticipation is partly what made the second one so good.
[6] Full fucking Metal Jacket. I was only a kid when that flick came out, but my time in military school made me wince at a lot of the taunts depicted. I related to Private Pyle in many ways, and when he put that rifle in his mouth? For a moment it made me think that that might be MY only way out. At the time I had no idea who the fuck Stanley Kubrick was, but I know that I was glued to the screen then, as I often still am now when watching that movie. Ermy’s long introduction to the rigors of a Paris Island boot camp during the Vietnam War at the beginning is something that’s hard to look away from, partly because of Ermys delivery of that speech, and partly because of Kubrick’s style of filming it.
[7] As I was beginning to appreciate drama in the mid to late 80’s, I was still kept in thrall to comedy. If Monty Python was my extended comedic family, than surely Steve Martin was my comedy father. After I saw Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, I even began to dress like Martin did in that movie…for about a week until I could no longer take the ridicule. My body type just wasn’t meant to wear pastel colored t-shirts with a white suit coat, white pants, and a white fedora.

[8] William Randolph Hearst was a millionaire newspaper baron whose life was depicted in the film ‘Citizen Kane’ arguably the best movie ever made. Orson Welles who directed the pic, made it a point to keep the subject of the film from the public eye until it was released, even going so far as to say in advertising that the film was about Faust. When Hearst learned that his life would be depicted through a character called Charles Foster Kane, he went on a campaign to stop the studio from releasing the film. He banned RKO Studios from mention in all of his newspapers, he threatened to sue, and in an effort to put pressure on the system; Hearst ran articles attacking Hollywood’s practice of hiring immigrants to do jobs that American’s could do. In the face of this bad press, an offer was made by Louis B. Mayer and other Hollywood executives which stipulated that if Welles would simply destroy the film, they would all pitch in and reimburse him. Welles never backed down, and since its release in 1941, Citizen Kane STILL holds as the best movie ever fucking made. How’s THAT for inspiration?

[9] A Clockwork Orange is a 1971 British film adaptation of Anthony Burgess’s 1962 novel of the same name. After being sent to prison Alex, who is played masterfully by Malcolm McDowell volunteers for a chance at an early release through his participation in the Ludovico technique which is an experimental aversion therapy for rehabilitating criminals. Alex is placed in a straitjacket and forced to watch films containing scenes of extreme violence while being given drugs to induce reactions of revulsion. The experiment however, seems to have worked too well, and upon his release Alex finds himself unable to even defend himself against those wishing to avenge themselves of him. At the end, those in power are made to suffer rebuke from the press in taking away Alex’s free will and he is hailed as a hero, even as his violent tendencies resurface in the form of a sinister smile made to the audience at the end of the movie.