First of all, I’m going to say something to ALL of you okcupid ladies, and it’s not going to be very nice. I apologize in advance, and I ask that when you READ the words that are about to be spewed at you from my profile, know that I’m saying it in the NICEST possible fashion. Imagine me in a tuxedo with a rose on my lapel, my hair’s all combed back and parted as if by a tree saw, I have a big smile on my face and I just said something that made you all feel very beautiful…ok, ready?
WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP?!?!? Oh…my…god…You have to be about the most narcissistic, childish, self absorbed, judgmental, aggrandizing, passive aggressive, TALKY bitches I’ve ever seen on a damned dating website. Save some for the conversation will ya?
I mean let me get to KNOW you a little one on one so I can come to the conclusion that you’re IN-FUCKING-SANE after we’ve actually communicated. Most of these profiles read like doctor’s notes from a mental ward. I half expect that all of you fit in the time to WRITE these profiles in between wearing plastic slippers and playing tic-tac-throw before a group therapy session.
If you wear glasses, ride a bike to the vegetable stand, have 17 cats, and ONLY listen to vinyl? Go fuck some guy who wears Birkenstocks and cargo shorts in the trendy vegetarian coffee bar of the upscale neighborhood you live in. Why are you wasting my time HERE? This site is for guys like ME who want to meet women who I ACTUALLY have a shot with. The only way most of you would date me is if I rescued kittens on a unicycle while listening to shitty bands that nobody but YOU has ever heard of on my iPod. I can’t afford an IPod, so go fuck yourself.
I’m sorry, but I DON’T ride a fucking bike…EVER! I’m a grown ass man and drive a car. Cats are disgusting because they poop IN a box IN your home, and vegetables? Vegetables are what my food eats. I just got out of a relationship recently and I gotta tell ya…if THIS is what the dating scene is like now? I’m taking the first bus off this planet. I’ll go fuck a green chick like Kirk.
I think the MOST common ‘trait’ I’ve seen in ALL of your profiles is “I like to be sarcastic so you better be able to handle that” No, you DON’T like to be sarcastic. Here’s a test of your sarcasm: If you are not laughing your ass off RIGHT now while reading this? You don’t have a sarcastic bone in your body. You TOLD me in your profile that I ‘better be able to handle your sarcasm’…THIS is sarcasm and if your face is red from anger right now? You don’t know the definition of sarcasm and should be editing your profile instead of sending ME scathing retorts about what an asshole I am.
Another thing I’ve noticed about the women here is that if I’m not into EVERYTHING you are 100 percent? You want nothing to do with me. I’m sorry, but I’ve never HEARD of ‘Penny Derby Roller Ball Curmdgeoning’ and frankly it sounds silly and ignorant. If you meet a guy in a bar and you OPEN with that? He’ll tell you to go fuck yourself, no matter HOW hot you are.
Dating sites used to be simple; you put a brief blurb about yourself and then TALKED to someone! Now it’s a CIA biographical study complete with DNA sequencing compatibility. I may as well go back to trying my luck at the bar where I would inevitably end up talking to some viper nest haired chick whose only ambition in life is to be the hot girl at the bar that every guy wants to fuck. I’d have to listen to this dingbat stoner drone on and on and on about what Pink Floyd meant on the Dark Side of the Moon album cover, or how she should raise money to buy little coats for Penguins because it must be cold all the way up in the Attic (yes, I talked to a girl in a bar once who thought the Arctic was called the Attic). And she could get away with blathering on like that because she KNEW that whoever she was ear raping with her nonsense wanted to fuck her…YOU DON’T HAVE THAT LUXURY! Because, as a guy on a dating website, I’m not allowed to want to fuck you.
It’s bullshit. I have to be sweeter and kinder and gentler on these sites because without the gift of verbal inflection, YOU take everything I say as ME being an asshole. But on the other side of that I’m supposed to read YOUR shitty profile and be impressed because you have a flat stomach…fuck you, this is radio NOT tv.
Say something interesting about yourself. I’m GLAD that you like your job and you make more money than Jesus headlining on a cruise ship, but don’t get all judgmental and say I can only respond to you if I like my job. I HATE my fucking job. HATE IT! Most people DO hate their jobs. I’m GLAD that you travelled across the globe by the age of 12, but I could give a shit about your stories of sleeping under the stars outside of the Parthenon. Those stories are for people who are ALREADY dating, when you tell me that up front it makes you sound like an asshole. I’m SO excited for you that you have 12 cats, and I’m SURE they’re ALL really cute…but that’s something you should keep to yourself for now. Let me find that out for myself after I’ve put in the necessary care and effort to get invited to your place. When you tell me that NOW? The first thought that comes to MY mind is “great, her pussy probably smells like ammonia”, and I hate to apologize again, but I’m sorry…I like a pussy to NOT smell of ammonia.
Look, I’m sure all of your profiles would be great if you were ALL lesbians. I imagine that kind of insanity and brain farting is what a woman looks for in another woman. But for those of you looking to meet a man? Tell us why your last boyfriend was a dick, give us a REALISTIC view of what you want from a man, and tell us something just awful and shitty about yourself. You DON’T have to make yourself sound like Mother Theresa for Christ’s sake. Have some humility, we’ve ALL done something shitty in life, to ourselves OR to someone else, but I LIKE it when a woman is self aware enough to, not only REALIZE she did something shitty, but be honest enough with herself AND me to admit it. Guys don’t like a woman who’s having a PERFECT life, not because we’re mean, but because we like to feel that we can contribute or affect your life in a positive way. When you say everything is perfect? There’s nothing for us to fix, and we fix things…that’s what we do.
And I know a lot of you are thinking that I’m ‘sexist’ for saying that, and I get it. I heard someone say recently “Women are the new men”, and when I thought about it? That is an absolutely true statement which is WHY I feel like a fucking dinosaour. I LIKE tou
Am I honest enough to point that high powered laser scoped inflection rifle at myself? Sure. My last girlfriend was a dick because she cheated on me twice. It was my fault for dating a 20 year old and expecting her NOT to cheat on me. My REALISTIC view of what I want in a woman? Someone who doesn’t cheat on me. Something shitty I’ve done? After my mother died in 2005 she left me some money which I spent the next two years drinking away at high end clubs downtown. At the end of my 2 year binge I got a dui for going 47 in a 40 which ruined my life for the NEXT 2 years. Out of fear, I won’t even eat a fucking potato before I get behind the wheel now which means I rarely drink anymore.
Another thing? I don’t mind if you have a kid or 2, but I just read a young ladies profile that stated ‘I’m a 22 year old mother of 4, looking for a husband’. WHAT? Are you kidding me? Twenty two? What are the odds that all those kids have the same father? CALM fucking DOWN. What happened to just ‘I’d like to go on a date and see what happens’. When you tell me that you want someone to take care of your caravan of children, what’s my incentive? Basically what you’ve conveyed to me is that some guy got to fuck you FOUR times, that we know of, while you were hot, and now you’re looking for someone to deal with his leavings. Fuck you. You keep spawning like a tribble and you're gonna break your vagina bone.
Just by that profile, I know everything I need to know about her. She doesn’t have enough self confidence to tell someone to put a Jim hat on. She doesn’t think about consequences, and she doesn’t consider solutions. Not to mention the fact that I don’t want to put my dork in a moist hole that 8 tiny eyeballs have passed through like a watermelon in a mudslide. It's a vagina, not a clown car for chrissake.
Even the women who are NOT moms have profiles like ‘looking for someone to spend my life with’. WHAT? I just want to throw a few burgers down your throat, listen to some music, and maybe make out on my couch for an hour hon, how bout we get through that and we’ll see what happens. Don’t put so much expectation on what could be a generally pleasant experience for the both of us. I mean, who goes on a date and sais to themselves ‘I’m going to spend the rest of my life with this guy’. Ridiculous.
I was complaining to my friend Mike the other day about how I can’t catch a break with all the internet dating. Every girl I’ve met in the past six months has been ‘broken’ somehow. They’re all drug/alcohol/Twinkie addicted women who live in apartments so small that if we order a large pizza, we have to eat it outside. Hell, I have a shitty apartment, but it looks like fucking Xanadu compared to some of the places I’ve been recently.
One girl I dated was impossibly beautiful, smart, and well educated. Problem? Narcissistic, corrected my spelling ALL the time, and fucked random married men as a sport. Next was the vegetarian hippie, she had an awesome energy, great in the sack, just fucking fun to be around. Problem? Wanted to stay single, alcoholic, and closed off. The last girl was a beautiful 20 year old CAN, problem? She cheated on me so much that the guys she fucked while we were dating could have formed their own softball league. Then there was the Peruvian voodoo dancer…although in retrospect, that one may have been my fault as curiosity got the best of me. If anyone out there knows a voodoo chant to get rid of a prehensile tail and ass warts, please let me know.
Mike’s response to me was incredulous to say the least: “BUT YOU’RE GETTING LAID! Why the fuck are you so miserable?” Simple, I’m not TRYING to just get laid. Every one of those women, with the exception of the Peruvian Voodoo chick, was of general interest to me at the time. I’m trying to foster a one dick relationship based on mutual trust and common interests. Just fucking someone is easy, spending time with someone is the difficult part, but for me that’s the part that makes the whole thing worthwhile.
The point is that I’m just looking to get to know someone who can laugh, who can joke, and who can enjoy the occasionally ill timed fart. Why must you women tax me so?
To be honest, I don’t think this woman exists. That’s why you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “How does THIS guy expect to get laid”. I don’t. I give up, consider this profile my letter of resignation from the rollercoaster ride of dating. Off to the convent with me. But if what you’ve read here can help YOU update your profile and not sound like such a pain in the ass? So be it.
So, bottom line? Don’t be 22 and tell us that Goddard is your favorite director; you’re too young to be that pretentious. Don’t tell us not to respond if we’re looking for sex…we’re ALL looking for sex. Even you. It’s not something I expect on the first or even the second date, but it IS something that I’d like to have on a continuous basis with the same woman…but that end must justify the means. And most importantly? Don’t tell us you want us to be funny and then get all offended when you read this. Laugh a little, at others AND yourself. Life’s a joke…sometimes it’s not so bad to be the punch line.