Crazy (noun) 1 Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results 2 Internet dating

Crazy (noun) 1 Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results 2 Internet dating

Friday, June 24, 2011

The Tony Danza: Dropping Loads all Over America's Face!

Ron Jeremy OR me in 10 years
I can still remember the first time I saw a porno movie. I was 12 and going through my mother’s dresser drawers looking for money with which to buy a pizza when I came across (no pun intended) a large VHS box with, what I now know to be, Ron Jeremy on the cover in a civil war uniform. I don’t remember the name of the movie, but I liked war films so I figured I’d watch it while I ate the pizza, which I found 14 bucks to buy with.

I’d never seen a porn film before, much less had I ever even heard of one. I’d seen magazines, but only playboy which was just nekkid women. At that age, that’s all I thought sex was…naked women, I didn’t know you were supposed to DO anything with them. My whole sexual goal at that point was just to SEE a naked lady in person and sometimes…sometimes I wish I could go back to that innocence.

But that innocence was shattered as soon as I put the tape into the VCR. As we all know, found porn is NEVER rewound, so the tape started RIGHT where my mother had left off (GROSS!)At first I was disgusted by all the fucking hair in the film. Ron Jeremy’s back, arm, and crotch hair made him look like Chewbacca on Rogaine, the southern belles he was fucking looked like they had buckwheat in a leg lock, and the black slaves that got to fuck their mistresses had afro’s that were the size of hedges in an English garden maze. Every sex scene was just a grainy close up of hairy balls slapping against an even hairier va-j-j. I was sickened by the images that my young mind was being hammered with and at the same time I became aware of my dick as something other than a piss stick.

Growing up in military school, I’d showered with black guys AND white guys. There was a communal shower which was a tiled room with a large mechanical looking device that had 3 shower heads protruding from it. Three of us would shower at a time, and none of us ever even thought about each other’s dick size. But seeing these massive King Kong cocks in that Ron Jeremy movie made me think that maybe mine was too small…which in turn made me ashamed of it. It was like Adam eating the apple for the first time and wanting to put some fucking clothes on. (Yes, I just compared porn to a bible passage. Eat it religion.)

But as I found more of these TYPES of film hidden around my mother’s bedroom like a pornographic Easter egg hunt, that disgusted feeling I had at first turned into a warm feeling in my pants. From watching the guys in these films jerk off their massive wads onto a woman’s accepting face, I learned how to jerk mine off. However when I did it…the warm feeling that took over my body and made my knees buckle when I stood up was the greatest feeling I’d ever had…only nothing came out. I didn’t know it at the time, but you CAN jerk off at that age, but you don’t produce semen yet. So I was LITERALLY shooting blanks. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. But that fright was not enough to make me stop. As much as I wanted to ask an adult questions, I felt as though I’d discovered a secret in jerking off that ONLY I knew, and I didn’t want to share it with anybody. Then it happened.

I went to bed one wintery night when I was 13 and had my first wet dream. I still remember EVERY fucking detail of that dream to this day. There were 2 rows of about 5 houses in the middle of a cornfield. There was a street in between them which ended at corn on either end. There was nothing but a sea of corn in every direction outside of this tiny Hamlet. A full moon hung low overhead casting its silvery glow on this tiny island of an American Suburb. The weather was hot, and inside one of the houses I sat at a dining room table watching my babysitter looking through kitchen cabinets in a sweaty dago t-shirt and tiny gym shorts.

The lighting in the room was cast by a low hanging ceiling lamp with a small watt light bulb. I don’t know how to explain it…but mixed with the heat and the time of night it made the whole scene sultrier. Seduction and temptation hung in the air with the small glow of that lamp and I could feel sexuality dancing in the air around me like the copper taste of electricity just before a thunderstorm.

I could see this woman’s ample breasts and tiny nipples through the sweat covered shirt in the light of the moon, as she reached up high on her tip toes in front of the kitchen window, and I knew that I shouldn’t be looking at them…but I couldn’t look away. When I asked her what she was looking for, she told me that she couldn’t find her weed. I knew that was wrong, but at that age once a woman makes you complicit in her illegalities; it opens a door in your mind to the possibility of being complicit in OTHER eventualities with her.

She found what she was looking for in a tin coffee can and sat next to me at the round table in the dining room. In the light I could see the sweat glistening on her skin and her silky auburn hair made her look like she’d just gotten out of the shower. She lit her joint and passed it to me. I was in! We talked about things that a 13 year old and a 22 year old shouldn’t talk about, and as the conversation mounted into desire…she kissed me. I could feel her wet hair on my face and the warmth I felt was almost unbearable when mixed with the heat. She threw me down on the cold linoleum floor and climbed on top of me, kissing me the whole time. As our bodies pressed together, the sweat poured off of us and I could feel her reach behind her and grab my dick…

And then I woke up to the screaming of one of my house parents telling us that it was time to get up. SHIT, SO CLOSE! I thought as I stumbled out of bed. When I got up I realized that the front of my pajamas were soaking wet, and my first thought was that I’d pissed myself. I quickly ran to my closet and shoved them deep into my laundry basket along with my underwear. I didn’t realize it…but I’d just had my first wet dream. My penis was becoming a cock.

The thought of that dream stuck with me all day. Not so much the act…as the feeling AROUND the act. The passion brought on by secrets and heat were enough to make me desire that in real life like nothing I ever wanted before. After school I ran back to my cottage to masturbate in a bathroom stall before anybody else got there and I was SHOCKED to find that something finally came out. I came all over the toilet seat and floor and it felt 10 times better than when I’d done it before. A whole new world of desire had opened up to me, and in my young became my goal. At that age you mistake sexual desire for love because you don’t know any better, and because I was stuck in an all boys military school, my deep desire for that love seemed like an impossible goal to reach.

A man’s first wet dream shapes him into the lover that he will become. For me sex is all about the passion, not the conquest. I’ve found that fucking is 10 times more enjoyable to me when it’s done on a late summer night, where the sweat rolling off of us isn’t an inconvenience but a product of that desire.

I didn’t have my first sexual encounter until I was sixteen, a few years after I was kicked out of military school, but the scenario did NOT play out like I thought it would. The actual fulfillment of our desires rarely meets our expectations

The first time a woman copped my joint happened in the shower at my mother’s condo while she was at work. I was sixteen and one of my three best friends, Grey Jim, sat in the dining room while I was escorted into the bathroom by a heavy set female classmate who proceeded to undress me and guide me into the shower. I don’t think it was because I smelled or anything, I think that because we were young, that’s what we thought we were supposed to do. That or she’d seen ‘Shower Me with Cum 37’.

Because she was so rotund, I was forced into the corner of the shower with my back up against the cold tile wall. As a guy, I can tell you that cold tile on your back is where hard ons go to die. But because I was sixteen it didn’t so much kill my hard on, as my ability to splooge a goopy load in a goodly amount of time. With cold tile on my back and warm water on my chest, we made out while she worked my dork like the gearshift of a 67 Volkswagen bus that she was trying to rock out of a fucking mud hole.

I immediately felt a problem. She wasn’t using any soap, and I couldn’t reach around her to grab the shampoo bottle because she was wedged into the shower like an elephant in a photo booth. It’s like we were in some John Hughes movie version of a Gary Larson ‘Far Side’ cartoon. Because I was so horny and because a woman had never been so kind as to grope my scrote, I was too shy and probably too nervous to force the ‘shampoo’ issue. I don’t know about women, but when a guy feels like he’s getting a good deal, he shuts the fuck up. Fat girl giving’ me a handy in the shower at sixteen? I thought I was getting a better deal than Chumly from ‘Pawn Stars’ buying William Shatners first hairpiece for twenty bucks.

Water does NOT make for a good lubricant and as she was strokin’ my poker, I couldn’t tell if the smoke I was seeing was steam from the shower, or if a garbage fire had broken out on my nut sack because the friction she was causing was like two dry sticks being quickly rubbed together by The Hulk. The worst part was that because of the fucking cold ass tile on my back, I couldn’t cum which just caused her to yank even MORE furiously.

I’ll be honest with you, this was a long time ago, and I don’t even know if I came or not. All I remember of that experience was that my dick felt like it had been polished down with a fucking belt sander for a week afterwards. It was my dick’s version of ‘Vietnam’, and believe me; if it could have skipped town and went to Canada instead, it would have…he was never the same dick I knew after that.

After I turned seventeen, I finally joined the coitus alumni. There was a girl in my neighborhood that’d been fucked by more guys than a ‘Real Doll’ dressed as a Klingon at a comic book convention. .And after my friend Dennis introduced us… it became obvious that it was my turn. I was hanging out at Dennis’ house when she came over to borrow cigarettes and quarters for laundry. (Dear Trailer Park Penthouse Letters, right?) She had blond hair and a body made for sex. At sixteen she was thin and walked with a slow purpose that made her even more desirable. Her eyes were green and when they fixed on you? You almost had to fuck her. There was no mistaking her intention, and passing up that opportunity at that age would have made me regret it my entire life.

After talking while she did her laundry, we went back to my mother’s condo. Mom’s condo was on the second floor and my bedroom window was at the corner of the building. My mother’s parking space was directly below my window. This was good for me because I could hear her come home and know to hurry the fuck up when masturbating. This particular time? Not so good.

I’m sure that all of you are aware that you’re first time? You kinda sucked at it. It’s like trying to be a firefighter without any training. You’re fidgeting with the hose like a midget wrestling an anaconda, you don’t quite know which part of the fire to point it at, and eventually you’re gonna open the wrong door and catch a back draft (Yes, that was an ‘accidental’ anal sex innuendo).

Also, at that age, I had SEEN porn, but I had not yet indoctrinated porn things into any kind of cohesive sexual quilt pattern. So without any kind of fore play, the dick’s among us and she lay on my bed, naked on her back. No leg spreading or anything, she just laid down prone like a corpse on an autopsy table. I don’t know what kind of guys she was fuckin that could slip their dick in with her legs closed, but from the porn I’ve seen later in life, one has to be hung like a fucking table leg to pull this move off. You have to have one of those dicks that’s SO big…you can twist it into various balloon animal shapes. Over the years I’ve come to appreciate the ‘legs pinned behind her head like Bugs fucking Bunny’ move.

I awkwardly climbed on top of her like I was inching up to the edge of a hill before going down the water slide, and started flopping around like a seal with turrets syndrome trying to find that tricky vagina. Finally she helped me out by slightly opening her legs enough to allow me to feel something moist. She reached down and kissing me, guided me into her.

There are no words to describe how incredible this felt. It was like a world of pleasure opening up to me for the first time. I pushed myself into her all the way. She gave out a shaky gasp and…

I heard a car door slam outside of my window. The words ‘oh fuck’ didn’t so much cross my lips as they formed on my face. INSTANT dick death. I jumped off of her and peered over the top of my window sill like a sniper examining the situation. Sure enough…ma Hempen was home.

I knew we had about 40 seconds before she got upstairs and this girl would need at least a minute and a half to get dressed. I grabbed up all of her clothes from the floor and told her “get dressed in the bathroom! Then come out and we’ll act like you just took a pee break while we were studying!” Good plan right?

My mom came upstairs and I frantically tried to cover up my bed because it looked like ‘sex bed’. I heard her hand on the bedroom door and I quickly slammed myself down into my desk chair. The door opened and my mother looked at me quizzically for a moment and then asked: ‘Why are you out of breath?’, ‘why are you sweating?’, ‘why does your bedroom smell like cat food and ass?’

I told her I was trying to quickly clean the house before she came upstairs and that a friend of mine was in the bathroom. As we talked, I found it difficult to look her in the eye. While looking down at the ground, there, out of place like a turd in a swimming pool…lay the fucking condom. All wrinkled and wet like a shed snake skin sitting RIGHT by my foot. Just then the bathroom door opened and my mother turned her head allowing me to quickly place my bare foot on the condom. It was like stepping on, well…like stepping on a used condom. Nothing quite feels the same, so I have no reference for that one. At least it was MY used condom…this time.

I walked her back to her house and never heard from her again. Rightly so. I have to say that recalling these stories makes me really miss that bed. Over the years, I had a lot of sex in it and if it could talk, it would probably have a herpe on its lip.

At eighteen I had my first sexual ‘relationship’, AND my first real heartbreak. I think the first one is the worst. That one came with betrayal as well. It wasn’t love, not that time, but it felt like it. Inexperience sometimes makes us THINK we’re in love and hindsight later tells us the truth.

There was about a two week period of time in my life when I was actually attractive. I was eighteen and I had stumbled onto the perfect balance of good hair, visibly lean triceps, clothes that I ‘worked’, and a relatively healthy body weight. I had gotten a job at the ‘Red Lobster’, or as Action Jim calls it ‘catnip for black people’.

The first thing I ever bought on a credit card was a pair of kick ass boots which I still have to this fucking day. I’ve had them re-soled three times and I’ve worn them on every vacation I’ve ever been on. They have sand on them from the Mohave Desert, water stains from the snows of South Dakota, and puke on them from Mardi gras. But when I first got them I always felt like a fucking Viking with them on.

Apparently some of the waitresses at the Red Lobster had noticed my budding, if fleeting, hotness and the boots helped a lot. On Valentine’s Day, one of the waitresses had dressed up in a very sexy pink ‘heart’ outfit. As I passed her coming into work, I stopped in my tracks and asked her ‘what’s with the outfit? You got a date with a Senator tonight?’ That was all it took.

Diane was a 36 year old red head, and VERY attractive. Like Juliet from ‘Lost’, a hot ‘older’ chick. If I could find a chick my age NOW that looks that good, I’d stop fuckin around with you 22 year olds. I was half her age and she loved those fucking boots.

It was a perfect storm of knee trembling fuck-dom. She was at her sexual peek, I was at MY sexual peek, she wasn’t shy and I was a willing student. I got my first ‘road head’ from her, first ‘back seat of a Buick Regal’ sex, first ‘work’ sex, and first ‘neighbor called the cops’ sex. She taught me a lot.

Diane lived in a trailer and would take in junk yard dogs that the pound was going to put down because they were too mean. She’d leave her bedroom door open and these red eyed, hellish, gnarling, drooling, beasts would froth and growl at me as I was fucking her. I’d ask her to close her door, but in the heat of passion she’d tell me to ignore them. Looking back on it, I think she got off on that somehow. To each her own I guess. My point being that to this day…I can fuck through any distraction.

This incredible and liberating sexcapade lasted almost a year, but like all good things I suppose it burned out. I took Diane to Grey Jim’s apartment for a party one evening, which he was throwing because he was the first of us to get an apartment of his own. Apparently, while I was outside smoking with some other friends, Diane approached Jim and told him that she wanted to fuck him. Jim being the good friend that he is, told her ‘no fucking way’. He explained to her that he wouldn’t touch her because she was dating his best friend. Taking this as a hint, Diane promptly went outside and told me that we were through.

Just like that. It was over. I did EVERY thing you’re NOT supposed to do. I cried. I begged. I pleaded. Nothing. She went back inside and fucked Grey Jim. Grey Jim is a GREAT friend, seriously he’s like a brother to me, but we were young and he was only a man. The worst part of this story was that since I’d already done everything you’re not supposed to do, I went a step further.

Since Grey Jim had JUST moved into his apartment that very day. He had yet to buy curtains. While other friends were outside telling me what was happening, I went to the bedroom window and SAW them fucking. (I don’t even think Jim knows I did that). It felt like my fucking heart Wile E. Coyote’d off a cliff.

One of the unfortunate side effects of a great break up is IMAGINING your ex with another person. This feeling can hit you anytime, anywhere, and when it does it seems like the sun is falling on top of you all over again. Actually SEEING it is about a million times worse. I wish that feeling on nobody.

Interesting post script to this story, Jim eventually moved in with Diane and she got the cancer. He had to spend all of his time taking care of her through her sickness. So in a way…I dodged a bullet there. Gotta find the good in the bad right? (See you all in hell!)

But before, in between, and sometimes DURING these first sexual encounters I could always count on porn. I wasn’t obsessed with it and I certainly didn’t know any of the actor’s names, but when I needed a release? I always turned to porn. As my friends and I became more comfortable talking about it, we learned that we all had different movies…so we began swapping. Before we did though, we came up with 3 simple rules. 1.) You always rewind the tape to the very beginning because I don’t want to know at what point in the movie you exploded and stopped the tape. 2.) You always wash your hands BEFORE the exchange. And 3.) The codeword is ALWAYS…Prono. Yes, prono and believe it or not? Nobody EVER knew what the fuck we were talking about. “Did you see that Prono?” “Yeah, it was great!” and soon people were looking everywhere for ‘prono’. Some thought it was a candy bar they could get at the convenience store, from overhearing our conversations MY mother thought prono was somebody’s cat.

Over the years porn has CERTAINLY grown. However I can’t decide if porn has adapted to OUR desires, or if our desires have grown through porn? Now I’m not a scholar of porn like I am with regular movies and Television, it seems to me that porn USED to just be dudes getting blown and fucking, at least mainstream porn. NOW there’s a WHOLE fucking library of SPECIFIC porn categories from asslicking to midgets pissing on a girls LEFT arm. There are fetishes I have now that I never even considered before and I’M 30 fucking years old. Just when I thought I’d seen it all? I find a WHOLE website ONLY dedicated to older women seducing babysitters. That’s a fetish of mine now…I don’t WANT that as a fetish because that is a fantasy that can NEVER be fulfilled within my lifetime. The whole POINT of a fetish to strive to see that fetish goal reached.

Another fetish that’s been cultivated within me over the past few years is lesbian ass licking porn. WHY DO I LIKE THIS SO MUCH? A hot chick gets herself into the doggy position and another puts her face all up in that shit and licks her bleached asshole. And if an older woman has to talk her babysitter into doing that? Well fuck it; I’m not leaving the house for like a week. But again, this is an unfulfillable fantasy. Even if I COULD get a chick drunk enough to let me lick her asshole, I just KNOW it’s not gonna be all pink, pretty, and smooth like in these movies. It’s gonna SMELL like an asshole and I’m gonna get hair in my teeth and maybe a dingleberry.

But besides the different categories of porn that I’ve been introduced to over the years, the other thing I love about this sub culture is the language. Terms used in porn have brought me hours of laughter over the years including the latest one that I heard on The Howard Stern Show the other day...’The Spider-Man’. Apparently, this is when a man shoots his load into his HAND…and then throws it on the girls face. (It was actually a female porn star explaining the term, so don’t get all uppity and irate at me ladies). I will be adding THAT little gem into the ‘Things I will do to belittle my most recent ex girlfriend when she comes crawling back to me’ rolodex.

Much like the fantasies we see in porn, the terms that it’s brought about are things we are not likely to ever do in real life; The Donkey Punch, The Mexican Avalanche, The Cleveland Steamer, The Boston Steamer, Cumstache, autocunnilingus, mechaphilia, the Woody Woodpecker, and my PERSONAL favorite…The Tony Danza (or ‘The Danza Slap’). What happens is the woman is giving the man oral sex and the man will ask "Who's The Boss?" If the woman says "You Are" the man will forcefully slap her across the face with his dingus and say "Wrong, Bitch! Tony Danza's the boss!" Who the fuck came up with that one? Fucking lunatics out there.

Don’t act like you haven’t heard these terms. Hell, don’t act like you haven’t USED them in a joke or to explain a dream you had to the other ladies at the hair salon. It’s amazing that as a society we will come up with ACTUAL terms for shit we would NEVER do in real life. Oh, sure, we’ll watch it, but DO it. No sir.

We’re ALL guilty of watching this stuff in some form or another. The porn industry is a multi BILLION dollar beast that’s eating up romance and patience like a fat Mexican kid in a chalupa factory. And if you think about it, they wouldn’t MAKE ‘Donkey Punch’ movies if people weren’t BUYING ‘Donkey Punch’ movies. I guarantee you that ONE person you know owns a fucking midget blowing a horse video. In fact, that’s ANOTHER porn term called ‘Rule 34’ which states that ‘if it exists, there IS a porn of it’.

Now I not only know the terms, but I know the names as well. Faye Raegan, Bree Olson, Sasha Grey, and Lexi Belle have made me shoot off more than a firing range in a Michigan Militia compound. Any two of them have even done films together and when I FIND one? I make a whole evening of it. I’ll light some candles, take a bath, make a nice meal, and then watch 30 seconds of Sasha Grey licking Bree Olsons asshole before shooting out the candles and having a better night’s sleep than Obama after he gave the the final order to kill Bin Laden.

And guys…it’s not GAY to know the guys in porn. Peter North not only fucks some to the hottest chicks on the planet but when I see him ‘shoot ropes’, I ‘oooh’ and ‘ahhhh’ more than a fireworks display at a retard home. I saw an interview with Peter North where he said that he eats NOTHING but celery in order to cum the way he does. It LITERALLY looks like fucking ropes. When he comes on a girls face it looks like the deck of a sail boat afterwords. I don’t know whether to hand her a tissue or tie off the main plank.

My other favorite is Nick Manning. Now, if you listen to Howard Stern on Sirius, you know who Nick is because he is the first porn star with a catch phrase. AND he took Robin on a date to the GREAT delight of the listeners. Nicks catch phrase is simple: When he’s cumming on girls face he exclaims “OOOOOOH YEAHHH, dropping FUCKING loads all over your FACE!” I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so fucking hard in my LIFE as I did the first time I saw this. And there’s variations! “dropping loads all over your glasses”, “Dropping fucking loads on your hat”, and “dropping fucking loads on Robin”.

Over the years masturbation has been that friend that Jesus always claimed to be to alcoholics anonymous, with its dickprints in the sand next to me as I walk along the pornographic beach. Sure masturbation isn’t the same as BEING with a woman, but to be honest with you, the end result is the same. In my case there’s not even any environmental damage caused by spillage because I use the ‘squeeze’ technique. This is where RIGHT before I cum, I squeeze my dork at the base. I have an orgasm, but nothing comes out. I might have to stop this though, because recently my nose has started running when I do it. Apparently that shit has to come out SOMEwhere.

And guys? As far as a woman masturbating is concerned, take my advice and DON’T help. I’m not so much intimidated by the ebony Kong vibrator that she has to hook up to seven car batteries, as I am the ‘Bullet’. This little mother fucker will kill a relationship. It’s a vibrator that’s about the size of a pinky, but when she cums, just point her at a burning building and she’ll hose that shit out.

I bought one of these for my recent ex thinking it would be a fun toy for us to play with in the sack. Next thing I know, she’s going out to dinner with the thing, she’s calling it ‘Gary’, and her clit is calloused over like a dermal polar ice cap.

I LIKE eating a woman out, and in fact I have an Olympic gold medal in cunnilingus. As far as ACCEPTABLE fetishes go, this is probably my favorite because I don’t HAVE a huge schlong, however I can ALWAYS make a woman cum through eatal sex. But after my ex started using the bullet while I wasn’t around, she lost all sensation down there and I’d have to put a pillow under my chin, a night stand with a glass of water and a monster energy drink on it next to the end of the bed, call work and tell them I was taking the week off, and put the dog in a fucking kennel.

I don’t know about other guys out there, but when I’m IN a relationship, I rarely if ever, masturbate. This makes sex better because there’s that cool down period between takes. When I’m NOT in a relationship? I beat it every day. This is why I can’t do ‘one night stands’. There have been TWO times in my life when I couldn’t get my twig and berries to work because I jerked off SO much, that when the surprise of pussy was sprung upon me, my dick just yawned and said ‘yeah…whatever’. Besides whiskey and pepper spray, TOO much masturbation makes me softer than ice cream on a sidewalk in June at 3PM in Arizona.

That having been said, porn is the new fast food. It’s easier than cooking dinner, it’s cheap, and it’s open 24 hours. People don’t like to work at things, the less work they have to do for the same result is preferred…so we have porn. What’s easier than that? No hassles, no headaches, nobody bitching about that ‘call me Captain Kirk’ fetish you have. Even PORN itself has gotten easier. Now they have ‘point of view’ porn. You can watch it and imagine that that’s YOUR 14 incher spitting Faye Reagan in two.

In the beginning, porn was considered to be something of a respectable, if not mainstream forum for furry beavers, and grainy close-ups of hairy balls. Hell, in 77 the ONLY movie at the box office to come CLOSE to ‘Star Wars’ moneywise, was ‘Deep Throat’. Yeah, ‘Deep Throat’ was a porn that was released into mainstream theaters and made almost as much money as ‘Star Wars’. It was the beginning of the end of romance.

The problem with porn though is that it RAISES women’s expectations and forces men to try TOO hard because MANY of them don’t realize that porn, like ANY film…is just a fucking movie. It’s edited. Do you really think that guy is fucking those two chicks for 43 minutes without cumming? Most of these porn guys will tell you that they stop between takes like any other movie. THEN they have a ‘fluffer’, which is a cute chick who keeps their dick hard while they wait for the NEXT scene. And to all you women who have dreams of going to Hollywood and becoming the next Angelina Jolie? About 98 percent of chicks who do that end up becoming fluffers in San Jose. Not to mention all the drugs and hormones these guys take. They even use ‘stunt cum’ now. Some guy behind the scenes with a super soaker filled with egg whites hoses these women down for the ‘money shot’. Here’s my favorite fun porn fact though, a lot of the guys in porn are gay! They just do straight porn because it pays more. The dollar wins again!

My friend Mike called me a few weeks ago and told me that he was going out with a girl he’d met and she was bringing a friend. He asked if I’d like to join them at a bar not too far from my place. 10 years ago this would have been a no brainer. I’d throw on some dungarees and Nikes and go charm my way into a night of vaginatopia, but now? I told Mike no. Because in MY mind it’s just easier to stay home and rattle my snake to porn because it’s a SURE thing. No WONDERING if I’m gonna get laid all night, I don’t have to be ON all night, I don’t’ have to drop more money than Trump pays his wig maker, AND I won’t have to deal with her crying in the morning if I DO get laid. The point is that it’s become TOO easy for losers like ME to say no to pussy because I have access to it at home anytime I want.

And that’s NOT the way things should be. Men SHOULD endeavor to get laid because it keeps us on our toes, it keeps us grounded, and when we get shot down? It gives us that sense of humility that we ALL need to get through life. I said earlier that I wanted ‘love’ when I was a kid because I didn’t know any better. Well now I do and I know that love and sex go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other and THIS is one of the reasons why religion pisses me off so much. SOME women out there think that it’s HEALTHY to not expect a sexual relationship until after a long courtship and marriage. This may have been an acceptable practice in the middle ages because men would marry women for their dowry. If they wanted to get laid? They’d find a nasty who-er. That archaic church law was MADE to screw women over, NOT because God wants you to be chased you fucking dumb assees! You HAVE to know if you are sexually compatible with your mate early in a relationship because if you’re not, you’ve just wasted your time.

But, What has all this porn done to us? It’s taken the mystery out of sex. What happened to the passion? People used to fall in REAL love, not this REALITY SHOW love bullshit. When I was in high school, unless a girl was morbidly obese, you couldn’t TELL what was doing under those clothes until you got them off. So you would romance and woo her until you GOT them off. The standard was 3 dates. The chick kept her respect, and you maybe got some stank on your hang low OR, best case scenario, you ACTUALLY got to know her as a person before you slept with her. And BELIEVE me, this makes the sexual experience that much more enjoyable, when you’re having sex TOGETHER and not just having sex ON her. Call me crazy, but I like to look into a woman’s eyes, NOT that ‘O’ face on a fuck doll.

I know I sound like an old fogey, but this actually wasn’t that long ago. NOW you go to these high schools and invariably you can find two chicks that are hotter than anything you’ll see on TV or in a movie, making out in the hallway while wearing jeans so low that their clits are popping out of the top, they have a camel toe, and thong undies over their hips and riding their ass crack out the back of their pants. Most of them already have implants, and their tits are pushed together like Japanese subway riders at 7AM. Then I get called a PERVERT for watching the seniors play volley ball from across the street with binoculars and a trench coat on.

I say have some fucking dignity for christsake. Make us work for it. How cheap is sex now when all you gotta do is have the same brow line as that kid from ‘Twilight’, throw a couple of burgers down her throat and put a toilet cover on the seat while you bang her in the bathroom stall at Wendy’s? Then women wonder why the guy cheated on them, or left them, and they cry like it’s the end of the fucking world. I’ll tell you why he cheated on you and left you…because he never got to KNOW you. What kind of connection or bond could there have been when you blew him after he said: ‘so…uh…you got any gum?’ You gotta make us WANT that shit. You gotta make us feel like THAT is the best and ONLY pussy in the free world!

‘If we’re all that easy…why aren’t YOU getting laid?’ You might ask. Simple, I’m not trying. Honestly? I’ve been with a lot of women who were goodly enough to have slept with me. The ones that I probably should have stayed with, I didn’t. The ones that I shouldn’t have stayed with, I did. I’ve made some crap decisions concerning women and I’m trying to turn a new leaf. Does that mean that I’ll tone down my sense of humor? Absolutely not. Will I compromise my integrity and go see ‘Twilight’ in the theatre? Nope. Sorry, not gonna happen . But will I give a more concerted effort to get to know a woman before I fuck her? God damned right I will.

I had a beautiful woman in my bed not two months ago. Down to her wonderful thong. Candles going, the whole deal. But I’d only went out with her once, and she wasn’t looking for the same thing I was. I respect that. And I didn’t fuck her. Sure I felt like an ass afterwards, and you better believe that the ‘homo’ jokes flew from my friends. But fuck it. They weren’t there. I actually liked her and would have loved to take her out again, and if it worked out? Great. If not? That’s cool too.

But I wanted the promise of more to come. The hope of something down the line. I wanted to wake up with that sunshine feeling in the morning like I just met someone REALLY fucking awesome and where might it go? That energy shot that only a woman can give you, when all your friends at work notice that you’re smiling JUST a little too much, or your neighbor see’s you do that thing where you jump up in the air and tap your heels together and thinks to himself ‘what the fuck is HE in such a good mood for?’

The bottom line is that I WANT to have a connection with a woman. I WANT a friendship. I want someone who will lie around with me and make up ‘top 10’ lists about people we know, such as ‘Top 10 pet names for Action Jim’s unibrow’. I want someone to GO out to dinner with me, NOT someone to just TAKE to dinner. And I want a woman who will laugh her ass off with me at the ridiculousness of the ‘Donkey Punch’ subcategory of my massive Washington National Archive sized porn collection.

I’d also like to see the younger generation of girls have a little more respect for themselves and realize that their body is NOT the only thing they have to offer a guy. Because believe me, the fucking guys won’t respect you if you don’t. And remember, you’re not always going to HAVE that body. So Tattoo’s? NOT a good idea, cause when you’re older? There’s nothing sadder than a butterfly on a saggy tit, or a tribal tattoo on your lower back that’s melted down into your ass crack.

I’ll leave you ladies with this last bit of wisdom, a quote: “Gravity…she is a harsh mistress” – The Tick



  1. Just came across this today. Hell of a read, man. Very funny and I like your insight. I'm very familair with a lot of things you've mentioned haha. Keep up good work.

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  2. Just read the whole thing, it's 3:10AM and I really should be sleeping. But your account of your lost virginity has made me realise I wish I had lost mine when I was younger.

    As it happens I didn't have penetrative sex until I was 24, and it was awkward as the woman I was with didn't know I was a virgin and thus expected me to have 'rhythm'.

    Anyway, you're a talented writer, good luck and stuff.