Crazy (noun) 1 Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results 2 Internet dating

Crazy (noun) 1 Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results 2 Internet dating

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Bitches Be CHEATIN'

Well, it’s an ugly topic, but I feel I have to cover it; Cheating.

Ah, Cheating. It’s a time honored tradition in American culture that’s endured since the dawn of time. I’m sure at some point in our history a female Neanderthal came home to the cave early after a busy day of running for her life from something horrible and scary only to find her Neanderthal husbands big matted hairy Neanderthal ass pumping up and down into the dreadlocked twat of a younger Neanderthal chick while on HER brand new wooly mammoth bed spread.

And if evolution isn’t your thing? Mary cheated on Joseph. That’s right, even if you BELIEVE in Immaculate Conception; God had to have at LEAST shoved a finger up there to get that Jesus ball rolling.  I mean BEST case scenario, Mary fucked God, WORST case scenario she banged a guy who sold otter noses and wolf nipple chips down at the marketplace. Either way Joseph had to be one pissed off carpenter. Once the whole Immaculate Conception story started to spread it must have gotten 10 times worse for him. Other carpenters snickering behind his back, God purposely and awkwardly avoiding Joseph’s prayers, and the biggest kick in the ass had to have been putting up with ALL of that and being left out of the holy trinity. That shit must have B.C. sucked.

I’m more of an evolution guy myself, so I have to think that in the days of monkey men, where there wasn’t much to do other than chew tree bark and fuck, men OR women didn’t really know how to deal with the devastation of that moment when time seems to stop and you realize that your partner’s penis is penetrating another vagina, OR that your partner’s vagina is being penetrated by another’s penis. It’s funny how all the years of therapy, all the countless hours of sorrow and self pity that are accrued over that realization…can be attributed to that simple act; my partner’s penis is in another hole, or my partner’s hole has another penis in it. And let’s face it, when we get right down to it THAT’S what really seals our fucking envelopes. When you sit angrily staring at a wall in your apartment at 2 AM, beer in one hand and your other morphed into a fist so tight that your fingernails are poking out the back of your hand, and your girlfriend is not answering your texts STILL, you’re not thinking “Gee, I hope she’s not sharing her lifelong dream of being a cast member on Glee with some other guy”, no you’re stewing about the probability that some beefy construction worker is elbows deep in your cocks special hidey hole (I like to shout “PEEK A BOO” every time I thrust).

Going into a relationship we EXPECT a certain amount of trust from our partners, and we KNOW we’ll have to trust them in turn. But it’s not always that easy, especially when you’ve been betrayed before. The ghosts of relationships past will haunt you making trust a harder commodity to find in your relationship than dignity at a Star Wars convention. I was recently bitten by the ‘bitch be cheatin’ bug, and I can tell you from experience that that mother fucker is poisonous. You break out into a cold sweat, your heart starts beating like a retarded with a new set of bongos, you lose your appetite and you cry while you masturbate.

Look, sometimes we put ourselves in the path of a destructive force like cheating. There are times when men just become so vagina blind that we can’t see the inherent danger that vagina will pull us into. It isn’t until several months after the relationship that we think back to all the warnings from friends, the signs that we chose not to see, and the unbelievable fucking audacity of the lies we chose to believe, that we sit back, look up at the sky, rub our go-tee’s with our thumb and index finger and say with a surprised look on our face; “oooooooh yeah…NOW I get it”. Jesus we can be such a bunch of assholes.

Few things in this world can make you feel shittier than finding out that the person you love or HAD loved has cheated on you. The butterflies in your stomach that once represented a feeling of unrepentant admiration for that person suddenly morph into gorilla bats and start dive bombing your heart with lead-acid battery sized gorilla-bat shit bombs. It is the ONE point in your life where I will accept the term ‘I don’t know what to do’. Because really? You LITTERALY don’t know what the fuck to do. You are lambasted with feelings of disgust, anger, sorrow, revenge, self loathing and the WORST? (And you may NOT want to admit this to yourself), pity for the person who cheated on you.


Who talked her into this? (Because we STILL think you’re a good person and couldn’t have done this sober and of your own free will). Is she ok? (Because we feel that YOU must feel severe sorrow for making this huge mistake) How will she go on without me? (Because deep down we HAVE to feel like you still need us). It must be my fault for not giving her ALL of me (because in our warped male brain, we think it’s OUR fault for not giving you a reason to stay faithful)

What’s the WORST part of being cheated on? And I’m pretty sure this goes for girls as well as guys…thinking we didn’t fuck well enough so she had to get it someplace else. Oofa. That’s the killer right there. We don’t like to think about it, we don’t like to talk about it, and when we tell our friends? That reason NEVER comes up in the conversation. And let’s face it folks…that’s the lynchpin. That’s the finger in the damn keeping the whole thing together: Fucking.

I have a theory, and feel free to prove me wrong on this one, and I know that I’m sinking my own ship by saying this, but here goes: A woman will DO and put up with ANYTHING a man does…IF he has a big dick. He doesn’t even have to know how to use it as long as it’s big. Here’s the story behind my theory:

I have a friend who looks like a chubby Charlie Sheen. This cat lived with his grandma up to his late twenties when she passed. He is the most irresponsible, slovenly, cloven hoofed womanizer I’ll ever meet in my lifetime. At 40, he spends all of his money and time on Bat Man comic books. I have never once seen him eat anything other than pizza, garlic bread, and French fries. He’s defiled just about every conceivable law of white collar crime and general human decency there is, and gotten away with it. But since I’ve known him…he’s always either had a girlfriend or he’s fucking some girl. It baffles the mind.

For years he wore the SAME shitty black overcoat with black cargo pants and a button down shirt. He had a foot odor problem that could clear a room, he has an animal fetish like a 12 year old and he NEVER cleans up after the things. His last apartment smelled so bad of cat piss that it made HIM reek of cat piss. You could LITERALLY smell him from a block away. Yet even NOW…he has a girlfriend.

He has worked for nothing and has been given everything…always by women. And he’s cheated on every last one of them. Why does he get away with it? Even when he gets caught? (And he always gets caught)…big dick.

He’s got a big dick. Have I seen it? Nope…don’t need to. I’ve had women TELL me that it’s like a baby’s arm with a boxing glove at the end. The old adage: ‘size doesn’t matter’ is bullshit. I eat pussy like an Olympic champ, I’ve made women cum so hard that the Cool Aid guy came crashing through my wall with an ‘OH YEAH!’ Hell, I’ve made women squirt who didn’t know that was even a real thing they could do. But none of that matters because I have an ‘average’ dork.

I’ve had to come to grips with my average-ness and I’ve tried to do everything in a relationship to make up for it, and believe me in my years of dating I’ve come to realize that it’s not ONE thing that keeps a couple together, it’s MANY things. Sometimes when we try to juggle and balance the nights out, the awkward new positions used to ‘spice things up’, the expensive weekend getaways, and the opulent gifts, we tend to forget that it’s the SIMPLE things that keep a woman coming back for more. Treat her right, sometimes that’s all it takes.

And as for women, I can tell you as a man that the way to keep your man from cheating is all about timing. You have to blow him while he’s driving, fuck him when he’s least expecting it and give up that butthole…but not all at once and certainly not all the time. If you give your man everything at the same time, he’ll get bored with it. If you give it to him all the time he’ll get placated. YOU have to know JUST the right times to dole out different parts and positions to keep him interested and wanting to come back for more.

That having been said, the world of internet dating has been such a treacherous road on which to find love for me BECAUSE of those ass clowns who DON’T know how to treat a woman right…and the fucking media isn’t helping me either by plastering these dimwits all over the news.

It seems to me that every day I pick up the paper there’s a story in it about how a man beat the shit out of a woman or did something generally horrible to her. Each story is worse than the last, and since Ed Gein these sadistic bastards have just gotten more ingenious with their fucking brutality. I say that as a human race, we put these assholes down like we would a dog that bit a child. But I’m not here to voice my violent opinion on the euthanizing of men who raise anything other than their voice to a woman.
What I am here to say is simply this: I kinda understand why women DO cheat.

I do NOT understand why a guy would hurt a woman, I do NOT understand why a woman would put up with it after the first time it happened, I do NOT understand the pain and suffering in a family dynamic that this brutality would cause. It would be insulting to you as a woman and ignorant of me as a man to assume that I do. What I DO understand is why it’s been so hard to find a fucking date.
These cowardly ass maggots have been giving men, ALL men a bad name for too long.

I’m not that old, and to be honest I’m not that pretty. But I grew up in a time when men opened doors for women, pulled out their chair, PAID for dinner, and waited patiently for the 3rd (ok 2nd) date before trying to round third base and slide on in to home. In the relationships I’ve been in I’ve tried to foster a sense of mutual harmony and trust, and if that didn’t work out? I was outta there. Sure arguments arise from time to time, but I’ve always looked at an argument with a girlfriend the same way I would an argument with my best friend. If Steve and I disagree on a ball game or something, I’m not going to haul off and try to shove a beer bottle into his throat.
I’m a romantic at heart, I love making a woman feel good in OR out of the bed. I have to remind myself that there’s nothing wrong with that, because I keep dating women who seem to think I have the problem for expecting a ONE dick relationship. Now sure, maybe it’s my fault for dating younger women, but dating is simple no matter HOW old you are. There are ONLY three steps: You date, you break up, and you fuck someone else. How hard is that?

Cheating has been a part of my life since the beginning, and to my mind it’s an almost certainty that whatever is IN your life, PERPETUATES in your life. Father was a football star in high school? You’re going to play football and watch sports. Mother was a homemaker? You’re going to be a good cook and know how to treat a man.

s for me? My father cheated on my mother with her best friend, he left her, moved out of state with the woman and never paid alimony or contacted me again. The woman he left her for? Left her man with 3 kids and did the same thing. Dad put the pussy on a pedestal.

An older friend of mine, in his 60’s now, made me complicit in HIS cheating with an 18 year old Polish foreign exchange student. I lived with him and his wife for a time, and in payment for letting me stay there, I had to cart his nagging, narcissistic, accent having Polish princess around to meet him at hotels or take her to work, I was basically her chauffer. I fucking hated it, because to tell the truth, his wife was such a nice lady that it made me feel like Lando selling out Han in Empire. Why? Cause he put the pussy on a pedestal.

Another friend of mine had a wonderful girlfriend, model pretty. They lived together, and apparently she had some issues with the ‘plumbing’ down there so she couldn’t fuck a lot. However, she DID blow him every chance she got.  Matt and I would go out constantly with these two lovely young ladies (They’ll probably be reading this on face book, so I’ll be nice). He was cheating. THEN he met another girl (this was the sister of the guy who MY gf at the time ended up cheating on ME with: DRA-ma). I told HIM, do NOT fuck this girl. She had ‘crazy eyes’, she was always crying and carrying on, and I KNEW that was NOT a good idea. He told me he wouldn’t and things went back to normal.

A few weeks passed by and while we were at work (ALL of us worked together), his girl friend, the two chicks we were seeing, AND the new one crazy eyes all learned about Matt’s multiple infidelities at the same time. Turns out he DID fuck crazy eyes against my specific instructions. I don’t know what the conversation the 3 of them had that led to their mutual revelation, but crazy eyes came up to Matt and threw coffee in his face, his girlfriend broke down and had a crying fit in front of everyone, and when the SECOND girl found out? She threw shit in his face as well. He lost THREE pieces of ass in 5 minutes. Plus, because I couldn’t stop laughing and making fun of him, he never talked to ME again…and Matt was my best friend at the time. Why did all of this happen? Cause he put the pussy on a pedestal.

My current best friend was having problems in his relationship with a woman that I really liked. For several years the two of them would come to my apartment once or twice a week and we’d watch TV shows together, drink, or go out to dinner. They went out of their way to not make me feel like a third wheel. Hell sometimes the three of us would rent separate hotel rooms at the same place and then sit up all night watching movies and playing board games. We went to bars together, gone on road trips, and most recently we spent the day in Chinatown during this past Chinese New Year. They seemed like a great couple. In most cases when you’re best friend finds himself in that kind of relationship, you don’t see him again until it’s over, however THIS relationship seemed to make my relationship with him stronger. I really like them together as a couple. So imagine my surprise when I found out he was cheating on her; and not just once OR with one girl. He even had a threesome with another guy and the Canadian Moose (read ‘Mike’s ‘I’m Obviously Not Racist’ Sexually Awkward U.N. Christmas Party for more on the Canadian Moose). Well, they’re broken up now, and my guess is that he’s fucking everything that moves now. But my feeling is that he feels bad for the decisions he made in that relationship and he’s trying to overcompensate in the pain management department by putting the pussy on a pedestal so high that Michael Jordon from 15 years ago couldn’t get it down with a running start and a fucking trampoline.

And these are just SOME of the guy stories I know. I haven’t even delved into the ‘chick’ stories. For some reason, they seem a hundred times worse because chicks cheat ‘meanly’. A woman will think it’s the guys fault if he gets caught cheating, But when a MAN catches his WOMAN cheating? It's automatically HIS fault for some reason.
Where did all of this drama start? I’ll tell you, it started with the disemboweling of the ‘moral line’. Movies, TV shows, and ESPECIALLY reality shows have shown America that you can be a complete asshole with absolutely NO consequences. Hell, Television is SO in love with cheaters that even when there isn't a scandal, I once saw a news clip about ANIMALS who cheat. 

I don’t know why, but it seems that in the world of celebrity, ONLY men get caught cheating. Sure there’re a few exceptions like Meg Ryan or Anne Heche, but really, what did you hear about those incidents if you heard anything at all? Now male celebrities? Fuck, it’s hard to open up a newspaper without being poked in the eye by some rich guys wandering cock; Schwarzenegger, Frank Gifford, Jude Law, Clinton, Jesse James, John Edwards, Kobe Bryant, Tiger Woods, Donald Trump, Elliot Spitzer, Eric Benet, Jim Bakker, Hugh Grant, Eddie Murphy, Giuliani; these mother fuckers make up a veritable who’s who of tabloid scandals. But why do rich men get caught?
Simple, cause bitches be talking. In most of these cases the other women decided to make a quick 10 grand by spilling their sexual exploits with the enquirer. They get their money and move on to more stable dick. Men RARELY get caught in the real world because women stand nothing to gain by busting them out. And when men DO get caught down here on planet earth, it’s usually because of their stupidity OR because the woman they’re cheating with is a cunt. However, for SOME reason women in the real world ALWAYS get caught. Always. Why? Because as dumb as we can be as men…we just know.

Now, I’m not advocating that you don’t fall in love. But what I’m saying, especially to the kids, is that it doesn’t last forever. Love stagnates and eventually turns both partners bitter and resentful towards one another. Unfortunately that bitter resentment doesn’t happen on a mutual timeline. That would be the best thing ever if it did. BOTH of you wake up one morning and over a cup of coffee say; I don’t think this is working out’, and then amicably go your separate ways. Imagine how much suffering could be avoided with that.
My theory of fleeting love does NOT affect everyone. I know that some of your parents may have been together for a LONG time, but in MOST cases, not all, but MOST cases…this happened out of convenience OR a squat threshold of options. In fact I’d be willing to bet that in many relationships that last more than 5 years, one of those partners had a wandering private part.

The problem is is that cheating on someone does not necessarily mean you don’t love that person anymore. I know it sucks that I just said that, and I hate to defend the act, but I have to be objective here. Let me explain; certainly there are cases were a person cheats on their partner out of love for the new person. They don’t have the courage or the fortitude to simply break it off with their old lover. They cheat with the same person over and over again, or with different people on multiple occasions sub-consciously hoping that their partner will find out and do the breaking up FOR them…and those people can fuck off.  But in some cases, not all, but some, cheating happens in the heat of the moment. Passion comes at us from all angles and we have to know that passion is NOT love. It’s done out of a weak moment in our conscience when opportunity becomes mutually exclusive from fidelity. In most of these cases, when it just happens the one time, not only does the cheater never want their partner to find out, but it actually solidifies their love for that person because they realize what they stand to lose if they DO find out.
What is it about being in love that makes us expect our partner to NEVER fuck anyone ever again? Sure that’s the way it SHOULD be, but it’s not a very realistic expectation. Cheating ruins lives because we let it. Now I’m not saying that you should EXPECT or even ACCEPT your partners cheating ways, but what I am saying is that we need to be more understanding of WHY and HOW cheating happens. We need to recognize that cheating is not always or EVER the fault of the person being cheated on.

I meet a lot of women whose main concern when looking for a man is that he not be a cheater. These women tell me horror stories of past boyfriends who fucked their sisters, best friends, and mutual acquaintances. But whatever their theory of why it happened, there’s always a common thread of self pity. They may not come right out and say it, but these women blame themselves for the dickheadedness of their ex boyfriends.

Let me be perfectly clear to both men AND women; IF YOU WANT TO FUCK SOMEONE ELSE WHILE YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP, BREAK UP WITH THE PERSON YOU’RE WITH FIRST! Then go fuck whoever you want. Believe me, the pain you cause someone by telling them that the relationship is over is a MILLION times less than the pain you’ll cause them when they find out you fucked some hussy that you met at a bar.

Cheating is ALWAYS the fault of the cheater. If that person didn’t break up with you before they went and stuck their filthy pethis in some stringy haired slut, that was a choice THEY made, not because of you, but in spite of you. However, when you as a woman find OUT that your man cheated and you stay with him because he’s hot, or he’s got a big cock? Then every time he cheats forth with IS your fault because YOU didn’t have the confidence or the courage to dump his ass and find someone who respects you and your feelings.

Personally, I’ve NEVER cheated on a woman, and I NEVER will. I don’t understand why you would want to corrupt a relatively pleasant thing like ‘dating’ with the juggling, and the lying, and the what-not. AND, just a side note, I would like to apologize to ALL the women out there who HAVE been cheated on, on behalf of all mankind. I humbly beg your forgiveness, and PLEASE…don’t take it out on me. SOME women seem to think that just because their ex: Rock Deltoid cheated on them, I got it coming to me.

The reason men cheat is simple: We like pussy. The reason women cheat: You may as well ask ‘What’s the meaning of life?’ You’ll get a shit load of philosophical answers, some ‘definitions’, and an eye roll. That’s it. Sometimes I feel like there IS an answer, but there is some secret ‘Masonic’ society that women belong to that prevents them from revealing it to us.

Look, relationships end. That’s life. But what I’m asking you nice women to do is exactly that: END THEM. THEN go fuck someone else. And don’t try to be FRIENDS with us after you dump us. What are we? Evolved? That shit NEVER works out. Unless it’s like 13 years later and you’ve become a fat slob, then it’s ok. But the last thing we need to think about is you out at a fondue restaurant with the key grip from ‘The Jerry Spring Show’ (true story).

I’m not stupid, I know ‘shit happens’, and there are a finite amount of truly trust worthy women out there. What you’ve done BEFORE we date? Out the window. Don’t want to know, don’t have to tell me. Same goes with AFTER we date. So long sister, let the garbage truck of hopelessness back up to my curb and haul these awful feelings away. You need to let us MOVE the fuck on.

How the hell are we supposed to get over you if you constantly call us and say things like ‘I just need to be alone for awhile and figure things out’, and then sporadically send us text messages like: ‘That movie we watched together was just on and it made me think of you’. FUCK YOU with the mixed messages.

How about if I text you: ‘I was just watching some chick getting gang banged by the Minnesota Vikings football team on the internet, and it made me think of you’. If you DON’T want to be with us, then DON’T fucking be with us. If you DO want to be with us? Then fucking be with JUST us.

I’ve done the math on this through years of experience. After a relationship of 2 to 5 years, it takes a guy approximately 1 month to completely stop thinking of you, IF there is NO contact from you. During that 1 month, every time you call or text him, it ADDS an entire month of ‘get over’ time. So if you call him 3 times the month after the break up? It’s going to take him 4 months to get over you (including the initial month). So the formula is: (5y/x) + 1a x b = LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

Cheating happens at the point when you have to lie or omit the truth from your partner. You could do something as seemingly innocent as having a simple dinner with another person, but when you FEEL that you need to tell your partner that you ‘just went for a drive by yourself’, or you ‘decided to take a Karate class’, or your ‘car broke down’…you cheated asshole. Cheating is NOT a penetrative act, that’s rape. Cheating is an emotional act that forever scars all parties involved. And that scarring can be EASILY avoided by using this simple phrase: “You’re a great person, but I don’t think we should be together anymore.” And then leave. DON’T hang around to watch your partner cry and carry on because as human beings we have empathy and you’ll end up losing your conviction once the waterworks begin. I call this move the ‘dump and go’. You should NEVER break up with someone over the phone or God forbid through a text, but get the fuck out as SOON as those break up words come tumbling out of your mouth. I know it sucks for you too because you’ve had an emotional investment in this person. It’s hard to say goodbye, but if you care about them THAT much? You wouldn’t want to fuck someone else. They’d be enough for you.
Marriage began as a simple land deal. But like many things in life, God has taken the good sense out of evolution. We’re not MEANT to be with the same person forever. As a man we look for a woman to plant our seed in, as a woman you want a man that can give you children. That’s as far as it goes. Love, like everything else has evolved over the years and as we shed our hair in exchange for sweat glands, so too did we shed our desire to fuck everything that moves. However that desire still lingers in our DNA, not as prevalent as it used to be, but it’s still there.

What I’m saying is simply this: Think about it before you do it. Consider not only YOUR feelings, but ours as well. If you’re the type of bitch who thinks she be PREDISPOSED to fucking a LOT of motha fucka’s…then tell us that shit up front. We won’t think you’re a slut or a who-er, hell we might even have a little respect for you for being honest with us.

And hey, this is just ME talking here. I know there are a lot of guys out there who have absolutely NO problem cheating on their woman. But as many times as I’ve seen it, there’s always ONE thing they never learn…you will ALWAYS get caught. How do they get caught? The same way thieves always get caught. They get too damned greedy. Personally, I’m just not built that way. Maybe it’s because I’m a fat guy and I rely on repeat business. I’m not that kind of guy who’s gonna GET a woman to fuck me because I bought her a drink and used the requisite ‘good looking guy’ pick up line: ‘so…uhhhh…you got any gum?’. I need time for a woman to get to know me, usually about 14 hour’s total.

Once I wedge my foot in the door as she slams it shut, I can usually talk her into opening it back up through charm, wit, and fostering a sense of ‘What the fuck is this guy going to say next’ that makes her HAVE to go out on a date with me for the same reason you HAVE to watch ANY MTV reality show. You KNOW it’s horrible, but you GOT to see where it goes.

We have to protect ourselves from the hurt that others cause. No matter what you do in life, cheating will happen in it. Whether you cheat or your partner cheats, it’s just part of the game. And believe me, it IS a game. There’s no such thing as movie love, there’s no walking off into the sunset holding hands together, and there’s no scenario that won’t eventually end up with your partner bent over an already semen stained cushioned chair in a filthy motel room with the heavy curtains drawn and the air conditioning on to high before she wipes off her back and gets under the itchy thin comforter to watch Maury with whatever asshole she met at work, or at a neighbors barbeque, or in an airport lounge, or at a shitty bar in Wriglyville, or even in the waiting room at the abortion clinic before she comes home to you and sais “I was just out with the girls” and gets ignorant with YOU for asking “so what did you do today?” Because you were generally interested in her life.
Or for girls? You’ll never know. Because unless your man is incredibly stupid or a celebrity, you’ll never fucking find out. But I WILL give you this bit of advice that I heard on Oprah: If you THINK your man is cheating on you? That mother fucker is cheating on you.

But I for one am DONE subscribing to ‘Cuckold Dating Monthly’ (look it up). I’m putting it out there, I guess a lot of people do with all the dating sites now, but mostly I just hear about people meeting others to get laid. Me? I’m sick of listening to some dingbat broad drone on and on about how cute her kitty is when he swipes his paw at the television screen while ‘Mother Angelica’ is on. (Fuck you Mother Angelica kitty chick, by the way). There comes a point where it just isn’t worth putting up with that nonsense JUST for some stank on my hang low. So, here’s MY add and I’m gonna be fucking specific so there’s no confusion. Do you have to reach ALL the requirements? Of course not. But you DO have to reach a bare minimum of them, but we can discuss that later:

SWM seeks a ODG (one dick girl), must be able to spell the word ‘sixty’ (and it’s NOT sickstey…yes, I dated a girl who spelled it like that on a check), must NOT drive a pickup truck (especially if you call it a ‘pick-em-up’ truck), Must not live in a trailer home (Those chicks can be hella hot, but it’s like dating Kid Rock with a vagina), must NOT expect to be taken to The Olive Garden (this place is the McDonalds of Italian food, I’ll take you to a REAL restaurant), Must be willing to consider different hairstyles other than pulled back into a pony tail at the top of your head (see ‘trailer home’ rule), Must be able to appreciate film, be it TV or Movies, as an art form and NOT as a bathtub fart for you to giggle at, must be willing to HATE the ‘Twilight’ series (There, I’ve just evaporated the young ones), must not smoke so much that she sounds like she has a broken dinner plate in her voice box, must NOT be able to comfortably fit into MY pants; kids are fine, but I don’t wanna smell milk piss, must be willing to heap loads of adulation on me for my brilliant writing style. Must not be looking for an ‘argument’ partner, Must be at least 3 months out of her last relationship (including last point of contact), must LIKE being with a man who will respect her space, will cook for her, AND doesn’t fall asleep until SHE cums. And most of all? Must have a sense of humor, a sense of self worth, and a playful nature.

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