Crazy (noun) 1 Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results 2 Internet dating

Crazy (noun) 1 Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results 2 Internet dating

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Unhirable: A Look at an HONEST Resume

Michael Allen Hempen

Cell (---) --- 2054

Work (---) --- 1403

Job Goals:

Searching for that rare position where I don’t have to deal with assholes while allowing me to go home at night knowing that I did a good job and earned my pay, which is enough to afford me the luxury of an occasional date.


Lewis University – Romeoville, Il 1998 – 2000

Majored in Aviation/Flight Management with a minor in religious history

Received a full scholarship but had to pay for my flight time which became too expensive after my instructor quit and my NEW instructor was over 300 pounds, forcing me to train in a larger aircraft, which cost more money

Learned a great deal about irony as being a pilot brings a certain amount of respect and pussy, but I now work 2 blocks away from an airport as a retail manager which affords me NO respect or pussy

Took out a student loan to pay for my flight time which I’ll be paying off until I fucking die

Morainne Valley Community College

Received a top score on the GED and Super high scores on the ACT.

Learned that my I.Q. is so high that Woody Harrelson and Willie Nelson are eating Doritos and playing video games with it right now

Oak Lawn High School

Dropped out because I have no ambition

Richards High School

Failed Drivers Ed…twice

Previous Employment:

• Electronics Store – Store Manager - 10/2005 – Apparently until I die

Responsible for not earning enough money to live like a human fucking being

An ability to be stupid enough to reach for the fucking carrot of a quarterly bonus that is dangled in front of me even though that bonus can only be earned by exponentially achieving 22%, year over year, in gross profit sales gain which is less likely to happen than getting a foot massage from Uma Thurman

Responsible for hiring stupid kids who have no ambition or thought patterns that would allow me to trust them alone in my store for more than 20 minutes

An innate ability to tell customers that we don’t have what they’re looking for simply because I don’t want to explain to them how it works

Able to piss customers off by feigning ignorance at how to perform complicated register tasks such as service plan replacements, multiple return receipts, and adding minutes to pre-paid phones

Responsible for working 50 hours, 6 days a week, even when I earn a 5 day work week, for less money than a McDonalds employee makes and with more responsibility than an air traffic controller, because my District Manager is a control freak

Taught me the value of semi-racism by showing me that Pollacks return EVERY fucking thing they buy, black people will steal the fucking ceiling tiles if you leave them alone for 30 seconds, and fat white women are cunts

• Not working – 2004 – 10/2005

After my mother passed away in 2004, I spent a year drinking, getting laid, going out, and generally pissing away every penny that she left me in her inheritance

• Borders – Merchandising Manager - 2001-2004

Responsible for not caring how much money I made because I lived at home with my mother

Able to get drunk with fellow department managers at Hooters during our lunch break and then go back to the store and hit on hot spectacled female customers

An ability to live a Soap Opera life style by fucking fellow employees, talking about which OTHER employees were fucking each other, and advising new employees WHICH employees not to fuck

Having the most awesome employee discount of 30% off of anything in the store, a 50 dollar a month per diem to use towards anything in the store, and an ability to check out books like a library

An ability to meet some of the most awesome people I’ll ever meet such as Gordon, Derek, Suzzy, Matt, and Erica

• Waldenbooks – Assistant Manager – 1993 – 1995, Store Manager 1995 – 2001

The ability to work for a sexless troll named Mara

Learned how to hire employees and then sleep with them

Gained insight into the human condition as I watched Action Jim sleep with my fellow employees that were too whacky for me to want to bang

Held constant discussions with Smart Jim and Ian regarding the effects of time travel on masturbation

Responsible for shitting multiple times in the toilet at night without flushing so my idiot manager would get a surprise when she opened in the morning

An ability to sleep at my desk all day on Sunday because I was out drinking until 4 am on Saturday night

• Hero Land Comics – multiple titles all meaning nothing – 1987 – 1993

Responsible for being a kid and not knowing shit about shit

Responsible for hauling my boss’s Polish mistress from place to place behind his wife’s back

Learned how to rip people off from my fat ass boss who eventually ripped ME off by stealing over 15 thousand dollars of my comic books

Learned of the ridiculous nature of life by meeting and observing Action Jim in his daily skullduggery

Part time jobs

• Always Open Convenience Store 1989

Fired for stealing scratch off lottery tickets

• Clark Gas Station 1991

Fired for stealing cigarettes

• Kay Be Toys 1996

Violently quit by throwing a chair across the store during peak Christmas time hours and mother fucking Action Jim, who was my boss at the time, in front of a multitude of rich moms and their asshole kids because he didn’t show up for work when he was scheduled leaving me in the store alone on a Saturday before Christmas for 6 hours.

• Toys R Us 2006

Quit with no notice because I began fucking a semi-hot 22 year old and no longer had the energy to work overnights there AND at the Electronics Store during the day

• Thornton’s Gas Station 2007

Quit with no notice because I began fucking a hot 19 year old and no longer had the energy to work overnights there AND at the Electronics Store during the day

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