The Movie Snob
A Good Day to...Kiss My Ass, Hollywood!
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|Die Hard 1|
Not just because of the movie, but because of Bruce Willis. One of my favorite TV shows at the time was Moonlighting. I had a boner for Cybill Shepard that could cut diamonds, and I would walk around mimicking Bruce Willis’ smart ass attitude…something I probably still do today (Fuck you again self discovery.) Because my mother was a cop, she was able to flash her badge at the local movie theater and get me in to see any movie for free, something she did nearly every day…all day as she worked and got drunk after work. So, on July 15th, 1988, 2 weeks before my 15th birthday, that movie theater and I enjoyed the birth of a new Hollywood franchise…which I watched 3 times on the first day.
|Die Hard 2: Die Harder|
Now, I admit to being a movie snob, and as such you might think me ABOVE the action happenings of John McClane in these flicks, but I’m not. Truth is I’ve loved every one of these movies. I literally grew up with them. The first one left my jaw on the sticky movie theater floor with Tom Brokaw as Bruce Willis jumped off the roof of Nakatomi tower wearing little more than a fire hose. When I was little, I used to stay up late and watch reruns of Good Times, and on that show the patriarch of the Evans clan, James…passed away. Now, because I was young and probably stupid, I didn’t know much about ‘characters’, I never saw him again so I just thought he was dead. Then I saw John Amos in Die Hard 2 and it opened my mind up to the fact that movies and TV aren’t real. It was like a kid finding out that Santa isn’t real, but I’m glad for that revelation because knowing the truth now keeps me from wearing plastic slippers in a mental ward, or calling actors by their movies titles i.e. “Did you see when Die Hard jumped out of that airplane?” or "Member when Lethal Weapon ran across the 3rd street bridge?"
|Die Hard 3: Die Hard with a Vengeance|
And then there was Live Free or Die Hard. I was not enamored of this title, but after I saw Bruce beat the shit out of that Asian woman, fight a military jet with a semi truck, and save America with the kid from the apple commercials (who, if we’re being honest is a low rent Shia LaBoeuf, who, in the furtherance of honesty is a low rent…well, nobody) all while pissing off an actor from my favorite TV show of all time: Deadwood? This quickly became my favorite of the Die Hard franchise and one which I can watch over and over again, never getting sick of it. I mean C’MON! That was the shit! Fought a mother fucking fighter jet with a GOT damned semi! AND WON!
|Die Hard 4: Live Free or Die Hard|
So as you can see, I tend to take the Die Hard movies…a little personally, which I guess is part of what makes ME a movie snob, and YOU just some schlub who watches movies. And in ALL the years that Bruce Willis has kept coming back to the Die Hard franchise…THIS was the first time I was not only disappointed, but downright pissed off.
That being said, I’m not going to give you highlights of this shitstorm, I’m going to walk you through the movie as I saw it in the theater, so you might garner a better understanding of just what Hollywood has wrought upon us by letting the incompetent John Moore direct a movie penned by the illiterate Skip Woods…fucking Skip Woods, what kind of an asshole is called Skip fucking Woods?
So here’s a little story in the form of a screenplay that I wrote called:
A Good Day to Watch A Good Day to Die Hard
Film written by Skip “Dad?” Woods
Directed by John “I Can’t Believe I Directed Max Payne” Moore
Interior, my mind:
|Die Hard 5: A Good Day to Die Hard|
Exterior, movie screen:
In the beginning of A Good Day to Die Hard (Maybe the worst title to be rejected from the batch of titles offered up for Die Hard 4), Jack McClane walks into a club and shoots a Russian. Stop me if you’ve heard this one. There are no cops, and the guy doesn’t die from his wound. Yet somehow Jack gets arrested and we’re told in the next scene that he’s about to get life in prison.
Our introduction to JOHN McClane, Jack’s father, is at the shooting range where a fellow officer (or New York City house nigger), brings him a file about his son, which McClane couldn’t bother getting himself. Apparently McClane didn’t even know his son was in Russia, much less in trouble; good timing then that he asked Step ‘N Fetchit over there to get the information at that exact moment. The two of them proceed to have a groggy conversation using the most static dialogue I’ve seen since the fucking Cone Heads movie, while they BOTH face the camera as if they’re in a play. I wanted to jump on screen, start rubbing Bruce Willis’ back, and say “Awwwww, what’s a matter grampa? Sleepy? WAKE THE FUCK UP, YOU’RE IN A FUCKING MOVIE!” And folks, believe me when I tell you that this is NOT the only time I thought that during this movie.
John then tells Sucre from Prison Break that it’s only been a couple of years since he’s seen his son and that he’s had a lot of problems. Had a lot of problems? Are we talking about the apparently straight A college student who speaks PERFECT fucking Russian? He didn’t pick that up like 2 years of Spanish in high school. Those mother fuckers have a Cyrillic alphabet, that’s not just another language, that’s another alphabet.
After this brief and mediocre character reacquaintence with John McClane, we leave the films only black guy (played by a Cuban) and go back to Russia where Jack McClane tells a prosecutor that he’ll give testimony that some guy named Kamarov ordered him to shoot the asshole in the nightclub.
Next we’re privy to a film scene so long and drawn out that it makes ABC’s Lost look like a 2 part mini-series. For FIVE fucking minutes we get to stand next John McClane, who just happened to show up outside of the courthouse in Russia as his son is being walked in…and we get to watch this all happen in slow motion. Nobody but John seems to notice the heavily armored tank backing up around the corner of the courthouse, not even the snipers perched on the surrounding rooftops. The movie then, in an effort to keep things boring I assume, distorts its own sound so we can’t hear the charges levied against Kamarov in the courthouse. And, still in slow motion, still with the sound distorted, we’re thrown back and forth between these 2 scenes and 3 cars being thoroughly inspected at a checkpoint…before blowing up and knocking out the wall of the courtroom.
Interior, my mind:
I was fucking dumbfounded. THEY JUST INSPECTED THOSE CARS! Underneath, on top and inside! The military men who did the inspection didn’t bother asking for credentials, didn’t ask why they wanted to park right up against the building, and why the fuck didn’t the drivers immediately exit the vehicles once so parked? They knew what they were there for and they knew what was in the fucking cars! I’ll tell you why, so the bad guy could look badder by blowing up his own people. THIS is the epitome of stupid and if I had Skip Woods and John Moore in a room with me right now I’d shove bamboo shoots up their cocks. Let me tell you something, I may write a screenplay in which I team up with my most hated enemy, Jerry Bruckheimer, in order to rid the world of John fucking Moore. With this flick he’s reached the number one spot on my most hated directors list, right above Bruckheimer and Michael Bay.
Exterior, movie screen:
NOW here come the spoilers. Apparently, young McClane is working for the CIA who wants to SAVE Kamarov and keep some other guy from becoming defense minister. If they want to save him, I don’t quite get why McClane gets himself arrested, unless he plans to break Kamarov out of jail. It even looks like that’s what he’s going to do as he constantly looks over and gives Kamarov the winky eye like Father Mayday used to give me in Sunday School. However folks, and this goes back to bad directing and shitty writing, the BAD GUYS are the ones who blow up the wall of the courthouse in an effort to get Kamarov, and young McClane takes this opportunity to escape with him. if the bad guys didn’t do this, McClane would have been stuck in jail. Just nonsensical claptrap.
Interior, my mind:
The thing I noticed by this point in the movie is that a Good Day to Die Hard takes us through a myriad of JUST the most awful B movie actors playing the worst cardboard villains that I’ve ever seen. I think the director touched down in ole mother Russia and just started pointing at people on the street for the casting director to hire, because Willis and the kid from Spartacus are the only 2 American actors in the whole movie. There is not one actor of note in this film and man does it fucking show. What happened to Alan Rickman, William Sadler, Jeremy Irons, and Tim Olyphant as bad guys? As far as I can tell, the main bad guy in this flick was taken away from his day job of being an extra in TV movies. Hell, they couldn’t even get a GOOD actor to play McClane’s son? They get the kid from the first couple seasons of Spartacus? What the fuck is that? And no, I didn’t bother learning ANY of the actor’s names because NOBODY has ever heard of them.
Exterior, movie screen:
Jack somehow magically breaks his handcuffs and makes a gun appear in his hand as he shuffles Kamarov into a truck that he hotwires. John shows up out of nowhere and proceeds to shout “Jack” 25 times. Jack and Kamarov take off being chased by the tank we saw earlier as John McClane proceeds to talk to himself for the next 10 minutes; starting with him taking a truck with no driver in it, and screaming “GET OUT OF THE WAY” to the empty seat as he climbs in. I shit you not. As he drives away he shouts out of the window, TO NOBODY, BECAUSE NOBODY WAS IN THE FUCKING TRUCK: “Steal a cab!” Seriously folks, it’s some off putting shit. Like the director said “uhhhhh, I don’t know what to do here…talk to yourself, people like it when you talk? I guess? uhhhhhh” For some reason, I imagine this guy talking like It’s Pat from Saturday Night Live (look it up) as he directs his actors.
Interior, my mind:
And again, let’s be clear here: Courthouse is blown up, gun men enter with gas masks for some reason I can’t discern as they release no gasses, shots are fired, trucks are stolen and tanks are driven at high speeds destroying most of whatever city this is in Russia….no cops, no military.
For those of you who were thinking that maybe the young McClane got himself arrested to PROTECT Kamarov while he’s IN jail, this next part of the movie poked a whole right in that theory as Jack, again MAGICALLY, suddenly has a CIA transponder (remember, he was JUST in a cage in the courthouse and stole a truck) and reports in; Only to find out that he’s LATE so the drone can’t blow up the tank? What the fuck? So the bad guys blowing up the courthouse WASN’T a surprise? And the CIA knew there would be a tank and a need for a drone? But it doesn’t matter because the bad guys didn’t blow up the courthouse on the CIA’s schedule…so the drone is called off? Leaving only John McClane to bail his son out. At this point in the movie I had such a fucking headache that I felt as if my face were going to split in two revealing a fiery skull.
Exterior, movie screen:
The tank starts pushing Jacks truck around and his father suddenly shows up in his shitty little flatbed Mercedes, rams into the back of the tank, and shouts “I’m not done talking to you Jack!”…What a dottering old man. The guy driving the tank seems to be frightened for some reason even though McClane's car is to the tank what this movie’s screenplay is to a 1st grader’s drawing of a flower.
This again is an example of a director who doesn’t know what to do next so he drags out this ‘Car Chase’ if you can call it that, for another 10 minutes. All it is is the tank chasing after Jack McClane in a mostly straight line while hitting cars that seem to have parked in inappropriate places on the side of the street.
And folks…the fucking make up chick must have called in sick that day because I SHIT you not, John McClane’s truck is hit by a missile and goes flying over a long row of parked cars, flipping at least 20 times as it does. After it lands, McClane kicks out the window and not only is there NO blood on him AT ALL…but the only souvenir he takes from this trip is a small tear in the right shin of his pants. I NEARLY walked out of the theater at that point. THAT ladies and gentlemen is bad fucking directing; as bad as it gets.
McClane then gets hit by a car and yelled at in Russian by its driver. He punches the guy out and shouts “Did you think I understand a word you say?” to the laughter and bemusement of the movie theater. This made me want to take a bus off of this fucking planet. How does nobody see that this is a nonsensical line written by a man who has no understanding of the English language and delivered by an old man who’d just as soon be playing shuffle board and doing guest spots on Hot in Cleveland than be in this fucking movie. At times it felt as if Willis had a gun on him off camera.
Interior, my mind:
Next, for LITERALLY no reason, the bad guy yells at the driver of the tank that he wants him to “fly”. Folks…I’m about to cry here because I’m getting SO frustrated trying to explain to you the absolute horror I felt deep in my movie bones as this next scene played out...So the driver hits the gas, drives up an off ramp to the right, when about halfway up he cuts the wheel left and drives the tank through a wall where it “flys”…back down to the road he just pulled off of. WHY IS THIS JOHN MOORE GUY ALIVE??????
Exterior, movie screen:
Next, McClane uses his tiny NEW Mercedes truck to drive off of an overpass onto the roofs of semis, smash into the tank from behind, and then force it into a pile of cement blockades which happen to be in the middle of a busy highway for no apparent reason, causing it to flip off of ANOTHER overpass and crash onto the street below. But don’t worry; nobody has so much as a trickle of blood on them. John walks away from his car, which again flipped 20 times or so, and the bad guys get out of their tank and start shooting at…the first and only cop I saw this entire movie.
NOW the real movie starts as the forced father/son tension between John and Jack takes center stage in a deluge of horrible dialogue delivered with all the sincerity of an episode of The Bachelor. There is never any explanation as to the validity of this dispute and all it did was serve to make a CIA agent look like little bitch. Some examples:
Jack McClane: “You’re a world class screw up John!”
John McClane: “I’m still your father Jack”
Jack McClane: “Yeah, nothing I can do about that!”…WHHHAAAAAAAA!
John McClane: “What’s all this ‘John’ shit, whatever happened to dad? “
Jack McClane: “Good Question.”…WHAAAAAAAA!
Jack McClane: “Any more questions John?”
John McClane: “Yeah, why don’t you call anymore?”
Jack McClane: “Like you give a shit.”… WHHHHAAAAAAAAAA!
Kamarov’s daughter gives him a hug to which John McClane sais “That’s tender”
Jack McClane: “I wouldn’t know.”… WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
and Example 5:
John McClane: “Need a hug?”
Jack McClane “We’re not a hugging family.”…WHHHAAAAAAA!
Interior, my mind:
This hammy and improbable dialogue continues throughout the movie with John being a smart ass and making light of the fact that he was a shitty father; all while his kid whines like a 13 year old school girl with a skinned knee. If I wanted to see an hour and a half of family bickering I’d go to my sister’s house for fucking Thanksgiving.
I think that this films writer, if you can call him that, Skip Woods has some major fucking daddy issues. Either that or he was a test tube baby and doesn’t know how fathers and sons interact at all. WHO did this kid blow to sell this script? If it’s this easy to get your screenplay read in Hollywood, why has nobody read my delectable tome The Attack of the Completely Ineffectual Zombies?
Now let’s stop there for a moment and discuss something that’s always bothered me about the Die Hard franchise…why the fuck does NOBODY in this fictional world seem to recognize that John McClane has saved a building full of people, a bustling airport, New York City, the world economy, AND The United States of America itself? This guy has had an intimate if not personal interaction with everyone on the planet and nobody seems to know just who the fuck he is. I GET that maybe after Nakotomi Plaza, John McClane was more of a local hero in LA, 15 minutes of fame and out. However, after the events of Die Hard 2, was he not called to task on the Chris Matthews show for blowing up an airplane full of American Special Forces soldiers who had not been tried and convicted in a court of law? He wasn’t on The Daily Show with Zeus after the events of Die Hard 3 discussing their newfound friendship brought on by saving the world’s largest city and gold depository? And by that time in 1995, wouldn’t he have written a book which would be turned into a Hollywood movie starring that fictional world’s Bruce Willis, giving him tons of money to spend on his children whom he only seems to love when a NEW movie is being released? Speaking of which, after the events of Die Hard 4, wouldn’t the President of the United States have given him the highest medal that can be awarded to a citizen, making him nationally famous? Wouldn’t this character be doing security consulting for shitloads of cash at this point, or even just be fucking retired? No, five movies in, and he gets about as much recognition as my blog. He’s still a shitty New York City detective, apparently no higher graded than he was in Die Hard 3, if not a bit more sober.
So if NONE of those scenarios have played out in the 25 years that McClane has been a cop… wouldn’t his son, who’s apparently turned to a life of law enforcement, at least have a modicum of respect for him? Especially if young McClane is in the CIA and his father has stopped, not one, but FOUR fucking terrorists! No, he treats his father like a piece of shit because ‘he wasn’t there for him’…WHAAAAAAAA!
Now, I could actually understand the kid’s animosity towards his father, because when you think about it…as a cop, how the fuck do you not know your kid is in the CIA? I mean, you get recruited for the CIA out of college, and you have to have some top fucking scores. So unless McClane just forgot that he had a kid for the past 8 years, it’s a pretty big leap for him to assume his son went from Summa Cum-Laude to killing Russian mobsters for no apparent reason. However, IF a case were to be made for McClane's absence of fatherhood, the kid fucking forgives him pretty quick, even amid Bruce Willis’ HORRIBLE delivery of smart ass lines such as “Do you need a hug?” and “Oh, you’re the 007 of Plainfield New Jersey.” I’ve always thought of John McClane as the James Bond of America, however it was NOT something that needed to be said. This Skip Woods asshole must have overheard some dickhead say that in a meeting and threw it in the script because he’s as unoriginal as he is stupid.
Exterior, movie screen:
Now it’s time for the movies number 2 bad guy to show us just how bad he is. He’s told to kill the McClane boys, but instead of doing so…he tells McClane that he hates Americans “BOOOOOOOOOOO!” and he especially hates cowboys; this is apparently a dig at McClane referring to the events of Die Hard 1 WAAAAAAY back in 1988, even though our young villain probably wasn’t even alive then. Next, instead of killing our heroes, the bad guy proceeds to eat a carrot and dance around as McClane looks on even less interested than I was at that point, if that’s possible. SOMEHOW…John McClane has to figure out how to thwart Bugs Bunny. This is NOT a joke McClane makes in the movie, which might have actually worked in this scene mind you, it’s a personal observation.
The middle part of the movie is then filled with explosions, long drawn out boring scenes where people stand around and wait for something to happen. bad plot twists, and McClane shouting “I’M ON VACATION!” like an Alzheimer’s patient. He sounded like my Cro-Magnon friend Scott, yelling “FUCKING YOU DON’T KNOW? YOU DIDN’T FUCKING HEAR? I’M FUCKING ON FUCKING VACATION!” The film goes on to feature ignorant ass gunfights where both sides stand 2 feet in front of each other with no cover, using automatic weapons, and neither side takes a scratch. Action for the sake of action in NO furtherance of the story or plot…because there isn’t one. This is a dumb fucking movie and the fact that Bruce Willis agreed to make it makes me think he’s either broke or has grown an extra chromosome. His next movie? Down’s Hard!
More gunplay, more explosions, yadda, yadda, yadda. We find out that Kamarov and the guy who wants to be defense minister used to steal weapons grade uranium from Chernobyl, which caused the meltdown way back in ’86. Kamarov apparently has a file, which I assume everyone thinks he keeps in his asshole because even though he’s been in jail for 9 years they all think he has it on him, explaining the other guy’s collusion in this theft which is why the other guy wants him dead. Also, it’s explained in the film, which was written by a man who either has a 3rd grade education OR assumes the rest of us do, that the meltdown at Chernobyl was caused by this thievery, which is not only inaccurate but wholly implausible. But the implausibility doesn’t stop there, folks! Oh no, now our hero’s get to go to Chernobyl and have a shoot out in the world’s most irradiated vacation spot!
Not only does Skip Woods seem to have daddy issues, but it seems that the last thing his dad gave him before he told little Skip that he was going out to get a pack of cigarettes and then disappeared forever…was a toy helicopter. This movie has more fucking military helicopters in it than Black Hawk Down. The bugs bunny bad guy is killed by Kamarov, John throws Kamarov into the helicopter blades, and Kamarov’s daughter flies the helicopter into the building just as John and Jack dive into Chernobyl’s lovely swimming pool (Chernobyl had a swimming pool?) The other bad guy gets no cummupence whatsoever as in the next scene the McClane’s walk in slow motion off of an airplane and hug John’s daughter.
The End (of the screenplay)
Hollywood: “There’s your movie, thanks for the 12 bucks, now go fuck yourself!”
BAM MOTHER FUCKER! THAT’S how you write an engaging story Skip ‘The Dick’ Woods. This dickless prick probably wrote a Good Day to Die Hard in crayon with backwards ‘R’s while wearing a helmet. Fuck you Skip Woods, and a resounding hats off f’uck you’ to John Moore…I’ll see you in hell Moore, you fat blind bog Irish ginger hick.
A Good Day to Die Hard held no conflict of concern and there were no mysteries for McClane to solve which is something I’ve not only become accustomed to him doing, but I’ve enjoyed watching over the years. It’s something that’s made these movies fun, entertaining, and even smart. There were no moments like in previous films where McClane shows his knowledge of police procedures by knowing the hospital/ambulance lines in New York City. There were no ancillary characters who were 3 dimensional such as Reginald VelJohnson from 1, Dennis Franz from 2, the truck driver in 3 who knew about all of the presidents, helping McClane figure out the right school to evacuate, or even Kevin Smith in 4. No, the only ancillary character in THIS movie was a Russian cab driver who likes to sing. That’s it; as 1 dimensional as the movie itself.
In the other Die Hard movies, the object of McClane's heroics becomes a character within the film. Nakatomi tower, Dulles Airport, New York City, and America; the stakes grew ever higher and my assumption with this movie was that McClane would have to now save the world. But he didn’t, he only saved his son whom he apparently hates and who hates him. You didn’t even get to know or care about Russia so who really gives a fuck? This wasn’t a Die Hard movie, it was a rated R movie remake of the TV show The Courtship of Eddie’s Father, but without the good Bill Bixby character.
In short folks, this just didn’t FEEL like a fucking Die Hard movie. It felt like an artificial, watered down, 2 dimensional, dysfunctional, reproduced amalgam of every other piece of shit action movie that Hollywood consciously shovels down our collective throats. Why consciously?
Well, I find it hard to believe that in an industry that makes BILLIONS of dollars every year, whose every step effects the bottom lines of hundreds of thousands of people, and who pompously pats itself on the back a dozen times a year, NOBODY…from the person who read this script to the people who screened it before it went out to the public, said: “Yeah…this is a piece of shit. Drop Skip Woods from one of the films 3 helicopters without a parachute, suicide John Moore, and bury the editor of this monstrosity alive; then start over from the beginning, in fact? Fuck it. Let’s just make another Twilight movie.”
I mean shit, I was fired from RADIOSHACK for incompetence because I didn’t sell enough cell phones, and they let the fat untalented ginger fuck who directed Max Payne put his hands on a beloved American film franchise. That’s like bringing back Yahoo Serious and letting him direct The Godfather 4. The people who made A Good Day to Die Hard should just be shot as an example to all those who would fuck up a simple film formula. John Moore should be put on a plane and shipped back to Ireland to live out his remaining years directing a fishery which would probably smell better than his previous directorial projects.
These assholes in Hollywood tell me through P.S.A.’s, fund raisers, and FBI Warnings, not to copy movies or they’ll arrest me. Well then I should get to have THEM arrested for making shit like this. Copyright laws are all about keeping money in the pockets of Hollywood…MY fucking money. So when they allow a shit film to get fobbed off on me, I should get my money back. What kind of bullshit is this that they get to keep my money after they’ve NOT entertained me, they’ve RAISED my fucking blood pressure, and they’ve SHAT on my movie going experience. Shit in MY mouth? FUCK YOU HOLLYWOOD! COPY THAT BITCHES!
I’m sorry, but I’m pissed off. I walked out of the movie theater in a stunned silence, shuffling back to my car in disbelief. I love the Die Hard movies, and I’ve been excited as a wee schoolgirl skipping to a chocolate factory to see this one. I’ve been telling my girlfriend for months that we’re going to see the SHIT out of that movie. Not only did this flick dash my dreams of another great installment, but it made me look the fool to my girlfriend who refused to sleep with me that night because she didn’t know if she could ‘trust my choices anymore.’
I’ve said it before, but I believe it bears repeating. Until America STOPS accepting turds like a Good Day to Die Hard, movies are just going to get shittier and shittier. As an audience you DON’T have to eat up every fucking movie that’s put in front of you like a malnourished holocaust victim. Have some fucking discretion and integrity for Christ’s sake and join me in boycotting A Good Day to Die Hard! I want you all to stand up with me and make the bluray/dvd release of this shitfest the WORST selling in the history of the medium! It’s not only good enough that we NOT buy the movie, I want you all to protest outside of your local Best Buy! If you’re good with computers I want you to release a virus that will block Amazon users from purchasing this movie! I want you to STAND WITH ME AND DEMAND MORE FROM HOLLYWOOD! Because if money’s the only thing they’ll listen to, then we need to make it a good day to boycott Die Hard!
Yippy Kai Yay mother Russia, my ass.
The End (of the film review)