I know I talk a lot of shit about trying to get laid, actually getting laid, and sometimes I can be a tad narcissistic in my description of what I want in a woman; after all, who the fuck am I to make aesthetic demands on the fairer sex? But wanting to date a woman and wanting to bust a nut don’t have to be mutually exclusive. I’d like to blow a load with the SAME woman on a continuous basis. However, just because I wanna shoot ropes shouldn’t make me an asshole. I’m a man, we ALL wanna drop loads, it just so happens that I’d like to drop those loads on the back, neck, and/or stomach of a woman I care about (yes, I said ‘neck’ I would never piss sperm on a woman’s face…what kind of disrespectful monster do you take me for?) And as much I can be caustic and vulgar when I talk about the ladies, a deeper reason lies beneath my nefarious ramblings; I’m actually looking for someone who gets me.
Lurch was an oafish girl of 14 whose size and stature were not unlike the Kraken in Clash of the Titans mixed with a Jabba the Hutt thyroid problem; add some ‘attitude of Marge Shot’, and a pinch of ‘the smell of dog shit and mayonnaise spread over a 5 day old corpse in the desert in Arizona in June of a man who dropped dead after running a marathon” and you’ve got a pretty clear picture of the woman I’m talking about.
For the 2 years she lived in my neighborhood, I had to decide if I wanted to spend ALL of my time locked up in my mother’s apartment as SHE got drunk and beat the shit out of me, or should I go outside and get the shit beat out of me by a girl close to my age who everyone in the neighborhood called ‘biggums’; giving the kids at school more reasons to ridicule me.
To be continued in "The Friend Zone" season 2; watch for the season premiere on 05/17/12