HEROLAND
By: Michael Hempen
Brought to you by Cous’n Hemp’n
Entertainment
Issue 3: “The Legend of Action Jim!” or “Kitty Kelly
ain’t got Shit on Me”
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| Action Jim |
Jim was a handsome kid, two years
older than me, about 5’9”, medium build and a smile that made you instantly
want to be his friend. He was dressed in black dress pants, a button down
shirt, and a black trench coat. Apparently Jim had just made plans to take his
girlfriend Carrie out on a double date with Paul and his wife.
When Paul told Jim that I was the
Mike that Lee ripped off, Jim was stunned. “You’re THAT Mike?” he asked in
disbelief. Paul told us that we had a lot in common since we both had been ripped
off by Lee and over the next several days we hung out and shared our Lee Tenant
rip off stories.
After Jim had left, Paul and I went
into the store where he told me that THAT was the Jim who busted out Stan. This
was a dynamic that played between Paul, Jim, and me for years…and still does.
Paul would talk shit about Jim behind his back and then be super nice to him
when he was around. Then he’d do the same thing by talking shit about ME to Jim
when I wasn’t there. I realize now that this was a form of control that Paul
used to keep Jim and me reliant on him for information, while at the same time
keeping the two of us an arm’s length apart. However, it didn’t really work as
Jim and I became fast friends.
Jim and I went to a bar a few night
after we met and his most recent Lee rip off story was particularly evident of
the evil Lee was capable of committing. Much like I used to do when I started
working for Lee, Jim would get his check from the warehouse every week, come
right over to Heroland, and spend it all on comics. However, because of Lee’s
nefarious debauchery in stealing my collection, and the reputation he earned
FROM that hosiery, Jim was getting less and less hours at the warehouse because
Lee couldn’t afford to have him work there as much. In fact, from what Jim told
me, Lee was hemorrhaging money. There were no more fat wads of 100’s, there
were no more 3 pizza lunches, and in fact Lee was 2 months behind in his rent
on the warehouse. On this particular day Louisa was working at Heroland. Jim
came over, signed his check over to her, and left with his books; about 300
dollars worth of Batman comics, new issues and back issues. He went up to the
warehouse and brought his comics in so that he could read them on his lunch
break. When he left that evening, Lee stopped him at the door and asked him
where he was going with a bag of comic books. Jim told him that he bought them
at Heroland before he came in. Lee said he didn’t believe him.
Jim told Lee to call the store;
Louisa was there when he got them. Lee called Heroland as Jim suggested and
Louisa denied that Jim had bought the comics. So, using Jim’s addiction against
him…Lee made him pay for his comic books all over again. I couldn’t fucking
believe it. I wasn’t so much surprised that Lee and Louisa would be, once
again, complicit in ripping someone off, as I was that Jim would pay for his
comic books twice. But it wouldn’t be the first time that I’d hear of or see
Jim pay more than something was worth JUST because it had a Batman logo on it.
Jim and I became fast friends. We
would talk on the phone for hours about comic books, and he and Carrie began
coming over to my mother’s condo 3-5 nights a week. Jim and I would play video
games and talk about comic books while Jackie, Carrie, and my mother would play
scrabble in the living room. It was the beginning of a beautiful bro-mance.
Jim and I began one of those rare
friendships where neither person expects anything from the other. Over the
course of a few weeks we’d told each other our life stories, we were both
interested in the same movies, TV shows, comic books, and women. We could tell
each other our deepest secrets and desires without fear of judgment or
ridicule. I had a group of friends that I had known since I got out of military
school in ’86, but Jim was different in that our friendship sprouted almost
overnight.
Soon I began introducing Jim to my
other friends; Steve, Pete, Cous’n Hemp’n, Rich and my new friends from
Waldenbooks. He got along with them just as well as we got along and a few
months after meeting him, Jim was intertwined into my life.
Jim’s father had passed away a few
weeks before I met him, which is a shame because from what Jim told me, he was
an amazing man. I would have liked to have met him. But when he passed, he left
Jim a small fortune. Jim bought himself a car, and because MY car had recently
broken down completely, he offered to sell me his old one. It was an ’87
Cavalier Z24. Jim told me that it had a flat tire, the battery was dead, and it
needed a new radiator, but if I could get it running, it was mine for 200
bucks.
At the time Jim was living with his
grandmother, so Jackie and her dad drove with me over to Grannies house to take
a look at the car. Jackie’s dad was a mechanic, and he hated my guts, but because
his daughter was living with me and my mother, he knew that her boyfriend
needed to have a car to drive HER back and forth to his house. Jackie’s dad
fixed the flat and powered the battery in no time. When he looked at the
radiator, he found that there was nothing wrong with it, but a hose needed to
be replaced. In under an hour I was driving Jackie and I back to my mother’s
place in my new car, which I kept for nearly 10 years.
I remember getting my FIRST glimpse
of something strange about Action Jim after I bought that car from him. What’s
the first thing you do with a new car? You clean the shit out it. Well, while I
was cleaning out my new car, under the seats and stuffed in the cushions of
even the back seat, were French fries and pizza crusts. They were EVERYWHERE. I
couldn’t imagine how the hell pizza crusts had gotten into the cushions of the
back seat. But I soon found out.
Pizza, Garlic Bread, and French Fries
This is one of those things where
you’re sitting at home going: “Surly he just eats MORE of those things than
other things; he HAS to eat other stuff too”. Nope. He LITERALLY only eats
Pizza, Garlic bread, and French fries. Sometimes he’ll eat variations of those
things like ‘pizza bread’ or ‘garlic French fries’, but the same ingredients
are prevalent in WHAT ever he eats.
The SECOND time that I found
something odd about Action Jim was a few months after I had met him. My mother
would make a dinner for Jackie and me every Sunday night. I would come home
from Waldenbooks and there would be a huge meal of pork chops or roast beef
with salad, sides, and always…garlic bread. At the end of the meal, I would
wrap up the leftovers and put them in the refrigerator.
After dinner, Jim and Carrie would
come over and the girls would play scrabble in the living room while Jim and I
watched TV in my room. The next day when I went to make myself lunch or dinner,
I would open up the Tupperware container with the garlic bread in it, and it
would be empty. My mother swore that she didn’t eat it, and Jackie didn’t eat garlic
bread at all. Yet this container was nearly full the night before and now it
was not only empty, but someone had put it back in the fridge instead of in the
sink.
One Sunday night, while we were
watching TV in my bedroom, Action Jim excused himself to go to the bathroom. I
went out a few seconds after him to get another beer from the fridge, when I
saw Action Jim hunched over the counter scooping garlic bread in his mouth from
the Tupperware bowl. He was like the cookie monster shoveling cookies into his
maw with bits of them flying everywhere. This man was STEALING garlic bread.
I told him that he didn’t have to
sneak around and eat up all of my garlic bread. He could have as much of it as
he wanted. I just asked him to put the bowl in the dish washer when he was
done. He thanked me and after that ate every piece of garlic bread in my house
on Sunday nights.
Because Jim and I worked together
finding Action Figures for Paul, we would often have lunch together, usually at
McDonalds or Burger King. Jim got the same thing every time: French Fries. No
ketchup, no burgers, JUST French fries. He would even want to go to the FIRST
McDonalds, or an extravagant Burger King that would take us an hour to get to
JUST for French fries. If I wanted something else he would refuse to eat unless
they had garlic bread on the menu. Anytime Jim went on a date, he would take
the woman to a pizza place. Even if they had been dating for years, Jim would
ONLY go to pizza places with them. He would ONLY take them to a restaurant,
even one they requested for a birthday or holiday if they had pizza or garlic
bread.
Action Figures
At that time in my
life, I was still very deep into comic books, and Jim was a great friend in
that regard. We could talk for hours about The Justice League or Batman, and
there was never an uncomfortable pause. It was pure heterosexual man love.
When we would arrive at a Target at
545 in the morning, waiting outside for the doors to open would be a hoard of
fat guys. Jim and I would casually saunter up to the door in our overcoats and
watch as these tight mustard stained shirt wearing pie eaters stared each other
down like the final showdown in The Good The Bad and The Ugly. Sweat dripping
from their brows, white palms clenching their loose fat person dungarees…and at
6AM the church bell would toll and the automatic doors would shunt open. The
fat people would run in at top speed, clawing and pushing at each other as Jim
and I just stood our ground watching the stampede around us. Heavy breathing
and snorts filled our ears as dirt and filth from unwashed clothes clouded the
air. When the debris cleared, and the thunderous sound of the size 15 hooves
faded, Jim and I would brush our dusters off, nod at each other and stroll into
the store without a care in the world.
As we reached the fourth isle, the
scattered carcasses of passed out tubs of lard could be seen spread across the
floor in front of us. The running would inevitably take its toll on them within
a few yards, leaving the unpicked and unmolested toy isle all to ourselves. We
knew that game, and nobody was better at it than we were.
Don’t Look in the Fucking Bag
Jim met a guy at a comic book
convention whose job was reviewing new and upcoming action figures for a
magazine. Apparently he’s a big name in that world now, so I won’t bust him out
here. This guy, only a kid back then of no more than 18, lived in his mother’s
house, of course, and told Action Jim that he had a prototype of a new Batman
action figure that was being released later in the year. Well shit negro,
that’s all YOU had to say.
The next weekend found Action Jim,
Jackie, and myself driving to this kids mother’s house about 50 miles away. It
was a long trek and although Jackie wasn’t exactly pleased at the nature of our
visit, she was happy to be along for the drive.
We arrived at the house in the
afternoon and Jim almost didn’t wait for the car to stop before jumping out,
running up the steps like a child, and knocking on the door. The kid’s mother
answered and told Jim that her son wasn’t home yet, but he should be there in a
little bit. The sad look and lip quiver on Action Jim’s face gave the mother
pause…and she invited us into the house.
Her house, and keep in mind this
was HER house, was literally covered in action figures. You could see the
dynamic at work when you walked through the door. The kid was in charge here,
and judging by his mother’s kind demeanor, he was as spoiled a brat as they
come. While we waited, this nice lady offered us something to drink and showed
off her son’s collection. He had original Star Wars toys, mint and in the box
from the 70’s, he had rare figures only released overseas…and then there was
the brown paper bag.
As we walked past this brown paper
bag on the floor, Jim saw something inside that caught his eye and made him
stop in his tracks. His eyes glazed over like a man hypnotized. The mother
turned and in a hushed and worried voice said “Oh no, don’t look in there!”
Action Jim ignored her, of course, and bent down to see what was inside the bag.
He pulled out an unpainted prototype of a ‘Man-Bat’ action figure (a villain
from the Batman comics). The mother pushed her way past Jackie and I, snatched
the figure from Jim’s hand, threw it back in the bag and quickly bundled it up
in her arms. As she did this, I could see that there were about 20 of the same
figure in the bag.
Just then the front door opened and
the kid walked in. He looked at the three of us standing on one side of the
room, and then to his mother holding the bag on the other side of the room, and
without missing a beat he began screaming at his mother. “I TOLD YOU NOT TO LET
THEM LOOK IN THE FUCKING BAG MOM! YOU’RE SO FUCKING USELESS! GAWD!”
It turned out that the kid had lied
to Action Jim and told him that there was only ONE prototype of the Man Bat
action figure, which is why he was charging him 500 fucking dollars for it. And
Action Jim, in his stupidity and need to have ANYTHING Batman…STILL paid 500
dollars for it even after seeing the others. As Action Jim was writing out the
check for 500 bucks, I looked down from over his shoulder at it out of
curiosity because I didn’t know that Action Jim HAD a checking account…and as
it turned out he didn’t. The check was in his Grandmother’s name and already
signed by her. I found out later that Action Jim’s grandma often gave him these
checks to go shopping for her.
Granny
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| Jim sleeping on the day bed in my bedroom, avoiding Granny's house |
When I met Jim he was living with
his Grandmother. Now, in a lot of these stories I try not to be too judgmental
when sharing of the Jimisms, but in this case I’m just gonna flat out say that
if nothing else I say here makes you want to strangle him…this will.
For a little over a year I never
met Jim’s grandmother, I only heard what he told me about her and what I’d hear
him tell women. His account was that he was being nice by staying with her and
taking care of her, that she was high strung and hard to get along with, and
that he paid her a great deal of money to help her live; as it turned out not
ONE of those things was true.
To this day I don’t know much about
Jim’s past before I met him. I know that his father worked for the Chicago
Parks Department for a long time and that Jim was even offered a job there
which would have been the best thing for him, but he didn’t take it. I know
that Jim’s mother and father were having problems so his dad was living in a
motel a few blocks away from my mother’s condo. A few weeks before I met Jim,
his father passed away from a heart attack in that motel. Jim had already been
living with his Grandmother, who he affectionately called ‘Granny’.
I can’t be sure what events led to
him living with Granny, but I know that much like my mother, Jim’s mother
didn’t really want him around. I found out later, after Granny passed away that
Jim was the black sheep of the family and the events surrounding her death and
the dispersal of her will gave me a greater understanding of why this was. One
of Jim’s brothers works in politics in California, one of them is a lawyer, and
his sister is a doctor…Jim’s sole goal in life is the collection of Batman
comic books and toys by any means necessary.
I don’t remember when I first met
Granny, but I remember after having met her, Jim was not happy that I did. I
think I went to pick him up from her house one morning and knocked on the door
before he could come outside to avoid me meeting her. Jim was like this with
all of the women in his life. However, Granny seemed nice to me. She was a
nervous lady in her 80’s, who could go from talking to you in a slight, quiet,
and shaky voice into a bellow that shook the rafters as she shouted after Jim.
As Jim would get ready in the morning (he was NEVER ready when you went to pick
him up) Granny would meander about the kitchen in her slippers and robe
babbling nervously about her Jimmy. “I don’t know where he goes Mike, he’s out
until all hours of the night, he won’t tell me anything, he leaves his SHOES on
the carpet, why doesn’t he have a job, you’re a nice boy Mike, can you help my
Jimmy?” And then Jim would come out of his bedroom and say, while tucking his
shirt in “GOD Granny, shut the fuck up!” and hurry me out of the door.
Jim’s interaction with Granny was
much the same as it was with ANY woman that he dated, except he felt that he
could yell and cuss at her. He NEVER treated any woman he dated that way
because his need to take advantage of them kept him in check, or what I would
call “kitten ass”. Kitten ass is a term I coined for Jim whenever he was acting
like a particular pussy with a woman. As I’ve said, Jim would put up with
ANYTHING from a woman so that he could hold on to whatever lifestyle he was
siphoning off of her. It was not so with Granny because he KNEW she’d never
kick him out so he felt he could treat her any way he wished, which is how he
would tread his girlfriends as well once he got his hooks deep enough into them.
After seeing this dynamic between
Jim and Granny a few times, I gave her my cell phone number and told her to
call me if she needed anything. Now don’t get me wrong, I was far from being
philanthropic, and in fact giving Granny my phone number only made me feel
worse because she would constantly call me looking for Jim and I’d have to lie
to her. “Mike, have you seen my Jimmy? He was supposed to go shopping for me, I
gave him a check” or “Jimmy didn’t come home last night, do you know where he
is? I’m so worried about my Jimmy.”
As I’ve said before, one of the
things Jim has always looked for in a woman is that she have a place he can
stay. Jim tried to avoid Granny at all costs so he wouldn’t have to explain her
missing things, the egregious charges to her checking account, and so he could
avoid helping her in any way. Looking back on it, this may be the reason Jim
befriended ME in the first place and why he spent so much time at my mother’s
condo.
During that first year that I knew
Jim, he spent nearly every waking moment with me. He spent the night all the
time and we’d sit up late into the night watching TV. He never had a change of
clothes but he would often leave in the morning SAYING that he was going home
to change, but then he would come back wearing the same thing. In most of the
years that I knew him, Jim wore the same thing day after day. Black cargo
pants, a wrinkly button down dress shirt, and a black overcoat which our friend
Nick said made him look like Oliver Twist. Jim also had a particularly nasty
foot odor problem from wearing the same shoes all the time and he would often
even sleep in them. Whenever he spent the night at my mother’s condo, he would
ALWAYS sleep in his clothes and sometimes he’d sleep in that trench coat too.
You have to remember that because Action Jim spent EVERY dime he made on Batman
stuff, he NEVER bought new clothes. Also, Action Jim wore contact lenses and
he’d NEVER bring contact solution with him which made his eyes red and
bloodshot every morning. Action Jim had an amazing ability to sacrifice hygiene
in order to avoid his Granny.
I actually DID start getting pissed
at Jim at some point because I wished MY fucking mother cared that much about
me and he was just abusing that nicety. But there were a few times when I
wasn’t at work and had nothing to do so I’d go put Granny’s storm windows in,
trim her bushes in front of the house, or pick up some groceries for her…like I
said, to me she was a nice woman, but I didn’t have to live with her and I
could kinda sorta see how she could get on someone’s nerves.
Anyway, as I’ve alluded to in
previous stories, Jim would steal from his grandmother. She would call me to
tell me that some piece of jewelry of hers was missing, which I just KNEW Jim
had sold on eBay for Batman toys. She would sign checks for him to buy
groceries with and he’d use that check to buy Batman toys. She would even give
him money to pay bills for her which would never get paid…Batman toys. Whenever
Jim wasn’t working, Granny would yell and scream at him in the morning to get up
and find a job, even calling the police to come and rouse him out of bed. The
cops didn’t like it, but they knew Granny was a nice lady so they’d come and
bust Jim’s balls about not helping her. THIS would piss Jim off worse than
anything.
Much like ALL of these stories, Jim
would ALWAYS have the balls to complain about something that he had NO right to
complain about. In the case of Granny he would scream and moan things that a
rational human being wouldn’t dare to say. As normal people, when you and I complain
about someone or something we usually do it because we feel that we’re being
slighted in some way. There is a definitive statement, such as “My boss is an
asshole”, followed by a reason “because he’s incompetent”, and maybe a solution
statement “I’ve gotta find another job”. With Jim? His complaints could make
you bash your head into a fucking wall. “Granny’s being such a bitch because
she wants me to get a job and give her money to live there…I’ve gotta find out
where she keeps her checkbook.”
Jim’s solution to ANY problem was
to find a way to take advantage of a person or a situation MORE. He never
accepted NOR produced responsibility for ANY thing in his life. When he crashed
his car into another parked car? It wasn’t because he was reading a comic book
while driving in the rain with no windshield wipers, which he didn’t get fixed
for MONTHS, opting instead to buy toys…it was because ‘that asshole parked his
car on the street’ which was perfectly legal where the accident happened. Jim
has told me a lot of these stories exactly as I’m telling them to you…the
difference being that when Jim would tell them they always ended with “So it
wasn’t my fault” and I think he REALLY believes that.
Over the years I’ve known Jim I
didn’t have much interaction with Granny. Much like his women, he didn’t really
want people around her for fear of his lies being outed. I know that Jim
trusted me implicitly around Granny because we had the kind of friendship in
which he knew that I may not have liked the situation he put me in, but I
wouldn’t bust him out. But when Granny passed away a few years ago, Jim’s final
act of defiance and selfish child like ignorance towards her would widen a
divide that already existed between him and his family to an unfillable trench.
The story of Jim and Granny is not
one for the light of heart. Usually when I spin the tales of Jim at a bar or a
party people laugh uncontrollably at his ability to fuck himself, but the few
times I’ve told the story of he and Granny, people have gotten pissed to the
point of wanting to punch Jim back up his mother’s pussy. Personally, I’ve
never judged Jim over his treatment of Granny mostly because I had a hard time
getting along with MY mother growing up. Sure the dynamic was wholly different
in that my mother was an alcoholic who didn’t want me around, but everybody has
a different family and how they interact with those family members varies
greatly. I always felt bad for Granny, which is why I tried to help her when I
could, but I think that she TRULY loved Jimmy (as she called him) and as much
as he took advantage of her, as much as he treated her like shit and did
nothing to help her…I think she was happy to have him around and we as
witnesses to her complications can at least take comfort in that.
‘Go
Figure’
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| Action Jim catching the scent of an action figure he doesn't have |
As it turned out, because Tenth
Planet had recently opened, a reporter was there from a local newspaper to
interview the owner of the comic book store about action figures. Because Jim
and I were the only customers there at the time, and because Jim had a stack of
Batman action figures in his arms, the owner pointed us out to the reporter…and
while there on a clandestine mission of spying on the competition…an article
was written about Jim and myself. Where Jim took this article WAY too
seriously, I still can’t stop laughing at what a fucking dork I was back then.
I’m just going to give you snippets from the article here in which Jim and I
are mentioned and/or quoted, but keep in mind this was a long time ago…but it’s
still funny as hell.
The article was titled: Go Figure
“What changed in recent years is technology
and commitment to sculpting action figures that look like the real actors and
real costumes.
The trend "brings a lot of non-comic book people and non-action figure people" in to buy characters at the Tenth Planet comic book store in Oak Lawn, said manager Tom Storcz.
He stocks "Jay" and "Silent Bob" from the "Clerks" and “Chasing Amy" movies among his array of off-the-wall action figures.
Storcz caters to the whims of committed collectors such as Jim of Chicago's Garfield Ridge neighborhood and Mike Hempen of Chicago Ridge.
What they spend each week depends on what comes in. Most figures cost between $5 and $10 apiece, although sought-after figures can command higher amounts. Jim has a stack of toys that add up to close to $120. All the items are related to Batman and the Justice League, the only thing he collects anymore. He particularly likes superheroes with cloth rather than rubber capes.
Hempen leans more toward contemporary figures. He has bought characters from "The Crow" and keeps up with the line of Movie Maniacs toys, which represent characters from the top slasher movies of all time. He also keeps a line of Elvis action figures displayed on top of his television at home.
Hempen likes action figures for the sculpture.
"Just like someone buys statues or fine art, you're buying it for the same reason," he said.
Toy companies already know they have the loyalty of people such as Hempen, who kicks himself daily for getting rid of his “Indiana Jones" figures he had as a child and who marvels at the artistry and detailing on today's action figures.
"(Some toys) are for adults to display, but these are for kids," Hempen said, showing a toy monster figure with minor detailing that he was nonetheless taking to the register to buy. “
Holy shit, reading this again had me rolling on the fucking floor
laughing. First off, fuck this bitch for writing this in a condescending tone.
There are reporters out there writing about the insurgencies into other
countries, the peak oil crisis, and governmental covers up while this
stick-up-her-ass cunt is sitting around blathering about toys. Secondly, I did
NOT bring that shitty kid toy to the register to buy! And lastly, the FUNNIEST
line I may have ever read has to be “He
particularly likes superheroes with cloth rather than rubber capes” LMAO!
That may be the gayest passive aggressive statement ever made about another
human being.
I remember showing this article to EVERYONE and being able to laugh at
myself even back then, but when Paul and I would laugh at Jim for it, he would
become incensed. Personally, I never thought EITHER of us would ever get laid
again after this came out. But Jim took this shit seriously and he really
thought that THIS was his fifteen minutes of fame. Well I got news for you Jim:
THESE stories about you are your fifteen minutes of fame.
The Passion of the Action Jim
 |
| Jim getting a Batman Beyond poster signed by the writer |
Jim’s collection of Batman
paraphernalia bordered on insanity. He had to have EVERYTHING associated with
the character of Batman, but in his inability to be organized, neat, or clean
in ANY way; he didn’t take care of any of it. You’ll begin to understand as
these stories continue that Jim would go to great lengths to accrue his
collection, but he went to NO lengths to KEEP his collection in a respectful
condition. Much like his life, Jim never looked past the GETTING of these
things to the responsibility of KEEPING them. Like the old saying; Jim knew the
price of everything and the value of nothing.
Jim would often steal for the
opportunity to buy expensive and older Batman comic books OR action figures.
However, once he had them, he would literally toss them in the back of his car.
There were times when I’d be out with Jim and notice that on the floor, in the
back seat of his car were trampled on and ripped up toy packages and comic
books that not 2 weeks earlier I could remember him saying that he HAD to have.
The ferocity with which Jim used to acquire these things died the moment he
actually HAD them.
Another oddity in Jim’s obsession
was that he never actually READ any of the comic books that he spent so much
effort to get. He’d simply look at the pictures for hours sometimes and then
toss them in the back of his car. Same thing with action figures. One time,
while spending the night at Jim’s grandmother’s house on the couch, I got up at
3 am to take a leak. I noticed that the kitchen light was on so I peaked around
the corner of the hallway and saw something that has haunted me to this day.
Jim had received Batman dolls
earlier in the day that he had bought off of eBay. These were DOLLS, like
Barbie dolls, only they had no clothes. Jim paid an exorbitant amount for them
in WAY less than mint condition. The only way you could even tell that they
were Batman toys were from the heads. In fact, if I remember correctly, some
guy on eBay had MADE these dolls from Ken dolls and just put batman heads on
them. To a collector, they were worthless. But as I peaked around the corner at
3am that morning, there in Grannies kitchen with the linoleum floor, on the
70’s laminated table with brass legs, were laid out the dolls that Jim had
received earlier in the day. And in front of them, sitting on a matching 70’s
laminated kitchen chair in nothing but his underwear…was Action Jim; staring at
his new dolls with his mouth open. I went to the bathroom and then lay back
down on the couch without saying a word…but I couldn’t sleep because of the
creepy nature of what I had just witnessed. This is what I imagined Ed Gein
would do with women’s heads. I must have laid there for over an hour when
curiosity got the better of me and I got up to see if Jim was still there. He
hadn’t moved. He was still sitting there just staring at his dolls.
Speaking of eBay, it wasn’t long
after that company was started that Jim got himself thrown off of the website.
He would order hundreds of dollars worth of toys, convince the seller to send
them to him post haste, and then not pay for them. He even put up items to sell
that he didn’t have so he could get money from people to use to buy more toys. Jim
was the very reason that I never bought anything from eBay. Over the years,
whenever Jim had a girlfriend, he would convince them to start an eBay account.
One of two things would eventually happen; the girl would get kicked off of
eBay, or Jim would convince her that he had ‘accidentally’ bid on expensive
items, and she should pay for them or suffer the bad credit that getting kicked
off of eBay would give her.
Any money that Jim made from work
always went STRAIGHT to his obsession. He was always broke and he never paid a
bill, opting instead to buy toys. He wrote bad checks which nearly got him
arrested several times, he never paid insurance, and he ALWAYS got into car
accidents. Jim may have been the worst driver I’d ever seen and much like his
toys and comic books, he never took care of any car he owned. For a time he had
to have that SR-22 insurance because he’d been in 3 car accidents without
insurance. One car he had was a fairly nice one and while driving down the
street, staring at the pictures in his new comic book, he crashed into a parked
car and totaled his vehicle. With no insurance to use to get himself a new car,
he simply stopped making the car payments. In a similar situation, while
leaving the comic book store one day, Jim decided to make a left turn at a busy
intersection from the far right lane…WHILE once again staring at a comic book,
and smashed into a Mercedes. With no insurance again, he was sued and filed
bankruptcy.
These are just SOME of the lengths
that Jim went to in his manic pursuit of all things Batman. In all the years
I’ve known Jim he’s been fired from enough jobs to bring the unemployment rate
down to 0% if people who NEEDED jobs could get them, for either stealing or
showing up late or not at all because he was at a convention or a comic book
store. I’ve seen him buy things at outrageous prices JUST because he HAD to
have that thing right away…and then 3 weeks later he’d be selling it back to
the same person or another comic book dealer for less than a quarter of what he
paid for it because he needed cigarettes, gas, or food. Jim was every asshole
comic shop owner’s wet dream come true. And even though I haven’t seen Jim for
some time, he’s STILL up to the same shenanigans at nearly 40 years old. Jim has become the very person that we used
to make fun of in our twenties.
The Women of Action Jim
 |
| Jim holding a tube of KY Jelly |
Well I am, and part of the reason
for his success with women is not only his good looks, but that he’s been
blessed with a huge cock. I’ve never understood how such good looking women can
stay with Jim for as long as they do. I mean, SURLEY after even six MONTHS they
must be able to see him as I do, but they not only stay with him, they are
absolutely obsessed with him as a boyfriend. This is how I came up with my big
cock theory which states: “A woman will put up with ANYTHING from a man…if he’s
got a big cock and she will ONLY ultimately break up with him if she finds a
cock of equal or greater value.”
The more lies Jim tells? The more
these women seem to want him. The worse he treats them? The deeper their
feelings for him grow. Knowing Jim for as long as I have has made it difficult
for me to take women seriously because I’ve seen SMART and beautiful women,
women who say they want a man who treats them right and doesn’t cheat on them,
fall under his influence and web of lies.
Jim also has an ability to put up with ANYTHING from a woman. Things
that we as normal human males will simply not tolerate from a girlfriend, Jim
will deal with simply because his end goals with women are different from ours.
His goal is to fuck them, get them to take care of him, borrow money from them,
and dig himself into their lives like a tick so that he can suck the life from
them until he ruins them for all other men. I’ve seen him do this time and
again.
I admit to being a tad jealous of Jim’s fortunes and lifestyle. It seems
that everything that I try and fail at, Jim tries and succeeds at. Not because
he’s more talented, although he is; not because he’s better looking than me,
although he defiantly is; and not because he’s smarter than me, although again,
he probably is. But the reason Jim is so much more successful in the endeavors
that I fail at is because he’s a MUCH better bullshitter than anyone I’ve ever
met. Jim will tell a lie and stick to it until his dying breath. He will NEVER
back down from it, and his lies are not only grand…but convincing. Being able
to tell a lie convincingly is an invaluable commodity when ALL you want from a
woman is pussy.
Jim not only tells humongous lies, but he’ll tell tiny lies with the
same ferocity as the big ones. I’ve seen him tell his girlfriend on the phone
that he’s a block away from her house and he’ll be there in about a minute,
while in reality he’s with me at a bar or at my apartment NOWHERE near that
girl’s house. There’s NO reason for this lie. He’s not cheating, he’s not doing
anything illegal, he’s just hanging out with me. When I would ask him: “what
happens when you don’t show up in a minute?” He would simply say: “I’ll tell
her something.” When the girl would call back ten minutes later asking where he
was, Jim would STILL insist that he was only a minute away. He would do this
for hours, and he was SO fucking apologetic and humble that the woman would
KEEP fucking believing him. It was like watching a Jedi mind trick in real
life.
These lies are also the reason why NOBODY gets to hang out with Jim’s
women. When Jim is dating someone, you might have met her BEFORE they started
dating, but once he sticks his filthy pethis inside of her, you will NEVER see
that woman again. Why? Because of ALL the ridiculous lies. Jim tells so many
lies to women that even HE doesn’t remember them all, silly lies that there is
NO reason to tell. Because of this, bringing that woman around his friends
threatens the very fabric of the web he has spun. Jim lies SO much and SO
convincingly that if he brought a woman with him when meeting a friend and that
friend said to him “Hey Jim, how are you doing today?” Jim would hurriedly
shush his friend, take him to the side and say “Shut up, I convinced her that
today is tomorrow and that my name is Bill”. TWO lies busted out in a seemingly
innocuous 7 word polite ponderance. Yet in all the time I’ve known him, Jim has
been laid more than any 3 people I know put together.
There’s a motel not far from my apartment that Jim has soiled EVERY room
in. Whenever he couldn’t take a woman to her place, he’d bring her to the J.C.
motel. Our friends refuse to go there because it’s a well known fact that of
the 62 rooms and 4 Jacuzzi suites, Jim has used EVERY single one of them and
the thought of rolling around with someone in Jim’s leavings was simply unfathomable.
The Legend of Action Jim continues in "Heroland Issue 4: Beginnings and Endings"
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